The Princess and the Gardens

        

            Ayaka Soranoyume gazed across the palace gardens, and prayed this would not be the last spring.

            The seasons could be so fleeting, and if what many starseers warned was true, a terrible winter was coming. Beyond this, the future was obscured. Though she did not wish to believe such forebodings, just a few hours gone, she beheld over two hundred mounted samurai set forth from Shenobi's palace. In the early light their crimson armor invoked visions of the Dragon of Fire, scales clinking and shimmering as the regiment surged down the Street of a Thousand Cherry Trees. To the baying of a giant ram's horn, the riders' lines rumbled through the jade gates, spears high and bristling, the blood-red standards of the Kyojin Kasai Phoenix aflutter in the dawn wind.

            Amaterasu, protect them. A young woman's place was not on the battlefield; nonetheless, Ayaka could beseech the sun goddess on their behalf. Verily, she could perhaps achieve more than any warrior, though she was uncertain she was willing to take the risk. It could make things worse for her own people. For now it was safer to pray. May they return. May the lords of the South find another way.

            One of the reasons she came to the gardens was to forget the volatile situation afflicting the realms of the South. Here, alone, lost in the verdure, she could forget the whole world. Resting her hands on the sunlit balustrade, Ayaka looked over the boughs and breathed deeply. Last night's rains had washed everything and cleansed the air. The breeze rippled the kawazuzakura petal-pink kimono around her slender frame, touching her black, silken hair, which cascaded from a loose half-bun to the white sash around her waist. It was just a few days before the start of spring, but winter was short-lived in the south, and cool fragrances from awakening blossoms and sprouting leaves drifted on the breeze. She closed her eyes and listened to the back and forth weaving of birdsong. Mornings like this she felt more alive, a warm song throughout her body and mind. For the time being, the shadow of Shogun Kage-maru and the threat of war that could sunder all of Isodoro seemed far away - less than the whisper of a dream, a pale frost that evanesces with the first beams of dawn.

            The other purpose that brought Ayaka to the gardens was the same which guided her here everyday these past weeks. The Dojen temple's master had advised that if she wanted to understand the Seishin-yodo, such environs were ideal for meditation. In her search for the transcendent power, Ayaka had paid heed, returning here each morning, or afternoon. Standing on the outermost palace platforms afforded her a grand view of Shenobi's royal gardens. The sight permeated her so profoundly that for moments she lost sense of separation between herself and the surroundings, a part of her drifting.

            The steps descended to white-wash pebble paths, bordered by susurrating bamboo and cedar. Further, mosses, bonsais, ferns, and a stirring tapestry of flowering colors edged the walks. Butterflies, bees, and hummingbirds attended the array of vivid hues. Beyond stood white pines, soaking the morning sun, and maple groves casting lavender shade. Through the swaying branches, Ayaka discerned ebbing slivers of a glimmering kuoy pond rimmed by lilies and guarded by water oak and willow. Ducks and swans drifted on the waters. An elegant gold-leaf teahouse sat by the shores.

            What is this mystery I sense in the way it's all been arranged and trimmed? Ayaka could not understand it, but she felt it - an echo of the Seishin-yodo's perfection, birthed from seeming chaos. It was here; somehow, it was everywhere. More than this nebulous impression she failed to fathom, and doubted the stewards who shaped the gardens could explain exactly how the balance originated either. Nevertheless, Ayaka yearned to understand the harmony - no - she needed to.

            Although overwhelming beauty such as the gardens existed, she was fully aware of how temporal, how painfully meaningless everything could become; how the things she loved most could be taken away and lost forever. If she did not learn the ways of Seishin-yodo, Ayaka feared she would fail in everything.

            While contemplating gardens, her thoughts merged into the nature until she was half awake, half in a trance. Behind what was seen, through mists, and reflections of water, clouds and sky, a presence beckoned. She perceived the snows and the forest again. Where is this place? There was something she had to find here. She almost remembered when the vision began to fade. The more Ayaka tried to hold onto it, the swifter it dissipated, until vanishing.

            It had been the same vision as before, the one lost in so many of her dreams. Was it more than this though? Perhaps it was a place that could be found? That must be found? Ayaka exhaled in resignation. One day she meant to learn the truth.

            The meditative practice had bestowed her an improved sense of wellbeing. She smiled at the gardens, thankful for the present moment. There was only one touch that would make it more beautiful. In the coming weeks the sakura would bloom. Ayaka had followed the cherry blossom all her life, waiting patiently for its return, year after year. Buds already adorned the naked branches. There was a magical quality in the snow-white and pastel-pink flowers that would be born.

 

            A woman shuffled across the terrace platform towards her. She was shorter, a bit plump, and almost old enough to be Ayaka's grandmother. Her grey-blue clothes were not as elegant as Ayaka's raiment - belying that she regularly busied herself with cleaning and such menial chores.

            “Ah, here you are my dove,” said the woman, with a touch of relief. “I’ve looked through half the city for you. I should’ve known you’d be here.”

            “You worry too much Noribuko-chan," said Ayaka with a smile.

            “But that’s my job!” The stout woman laughed.

            “Oh yes, yes, it is,” Ayaka answered playfully, hugging her aunt with a flush of affection.

            “Ok, that’s enough,” said Noribuko. As the embrace subsided the woman smiled despite her efforts to maintain a stern countenance. “Look, I need you to come back to the bathhouse to try on a kimono-dress your cousin Midori sent."

            “Really?” Ayaka sighed as if she were spent. “Whatever for?”

            “You know what for. The Saisei Spring Festival starts in just a few days, and there'll be hundreds of noble suitors in attendance. It’s high time you got noticed and attracted a husband."

            Ayaka turned back to the gardens.

            "What's wrong? It'll be easy for you, neh. You're tall, and so beautiful, like your mother. She was the most beautiful woman in the prefecture, I'll remind you."

            "Yes, I remember." Ayaka was wary not to mention that she'd already garnered far more attention than she wanted. Many daiymo men had taken to calling her Sora-hana, because they said she was likened to a daughter of the Sky-goddess. For her part, Ayaka doubted such claims.

            "Well, what is it then?"

            With the tranquility that reigned here, it was easy to forget the garden sanctuary was located in the middle of a sprawling metropolis with a populace of over a hundred thousand. And it was easy to forget why she and her aunt had come to Shenobi in the first place. Three weeks ago they left their homeland. Gurinhiruzu was a modest country of green hills and groves; thus in the gardens, Ayaka felt closer to home, a hundred miles from the hustle and bustle of the city, and the wonders and worries therein. A part of her sought replenishment in this haven of rustling leaves and gurgling fountains. She held to the hope that all life could be so simple. But her aunt had reminded her of the primary purpose for their extended visit to the southern capital; namely, to join the high-ranking daiymo nobility. Eeee! Ayaka had a desire to sprout wings and fly off out of reach of this and so many things expected of her on this earth.

            "Your uncle Tayori is being very considerate in allowing you the opportunity to choose who you'll potentially marry. Most young women never get such a chance."

            “Yes, I know.” Ayaka nodded glumly. She steeped in the quiet until Noribuko spoke again:

            “It's my duty to remind you that if you're unable to find a suitable choice, your uncle will arrange a match by the end of the year.”

            Ayaka said nothing. She would be forced to marry. That was that. It conjured an image of herself trapped in one of those tiny ornate palanquins, transported to a faraway kingdom, a gift to a man she had never even met. She could scarcely bear the notion.

            “I'm so sorry.” Noribuko. “I know you don't fancy marrying any of the daiymo, but there's no choice. Maybe Gurinhiruzu is a small prefecture, but you're a princess nonetheless, neh, and the sole heir to Kenkoya Castle. What else would you do?”

            Ayaka barely kept herself from scoffing. “Just about anything. A life in the countryside, away from all the haughty pretension and seriousness of the courts.”

            “Oh? And where would you go instead? Maybe become a nomin farmer?”

            “No. I'd be free,” Ayaka answered, “I'd journey wherever I wanted. Even sail beyond the Sea of Kodaina Suiro to see the Main Land Empires. And I'd learn about the Seishin-yodo until I became a Senshin."

            “A noble pursuit; unfortunately that samurai order has not existed for centuries - if it ever existed. You shouldn't entertain fantasies when you have a duty to your kingdom.” Her aunt came to stand at her side and looked out over the gardens with her. “Hmm. If you don't like the idea of wedding a man of the aristocracy, from where do you think to choose one? Out there?” She gestured beyond the gardens, across the irimoya-gabled roofs and over the city walls to the forested hills - bluish purple in the distance.

            Ayaka brightened with humor. “Yes, that’d be perfect." She preserved the thought before sighing in dejection, "…if such a man existed.”

            “You’re like a little girl still sometimes, neh?” Noribuko shook her head. “Not grounded enough. Daydreaming the hours away.”

            "So sorry." Ayaka put an arm around her aunt and rested her head against her shoulder. “I hope some things will never change.”

            For the time being at least, whether it be days or months, Ayaka could continue to be a girl with her aunt. For moments such as these she must be thankful. In silence, they contemplated the palace gardens, the sunshine warming them.  

            Concluding the peaceful lapse, Noribuko picked up right where they'd left off. “That would be nice Ayaka. The world has its demands however. We must find our strength in more than legends and hopeful dreams. That doesn't mean I won't always remember you as the young girl I helped raise. But there are things that do change.” Her aunt's voice was tentative. “You know, I won't be around to take care of you forever.”

            Ayaka pressed her other arm around Noribuko, as though her aunt might float away at any moment, and never be able to return. “Don’t say that Noribuko-chan.”

            Her aunt gazed forlornly into the distance. She was on the verge of tears, and her voice croaked unevenly. “I'm so sorry things have been so difficult for you my dove. It's been one tragedy after another, ... I wish they were still here with us …,” the words trailed into the haze of lingering grief.

            Ayaka tightened inside. It had been ten years since her father - the honorable lord of Gurinhiruzu - had been murdered in the dead of night by satsujin ninja sent by the clan of the Black Hand. That had riven her. Several years later, her dear mother, closely followed by her beloved brother and sister, were taken by the kuro-shi sickness. Ayaka still remembered the gloom of the funeral processions. She still remembered herself writhing grief-stricken on the floor in her room, crying until she thought she'd die.

            The breeze made a silvery rustling through the leaves, strewing her memories. Where had the gods been? Was it just karma, as all things were said to be? Regardless of her efforts to accept fate, and of the hope of an understanding that would allow her to live; regardless of everything, if reincarnation existed, Ayaka prayed she would find Takamagahara instead, for she never wanted to return to this world.

            Her melancholic ruminations were broken when she noticed her aunt wiping tears from her eyes. Whenever she saw her aunt thus, Ayaka could not but help console her. After all, it had been Noribuko who'd been there for her through the hardest times. She hugged her aunt, and looked her in the eyes, speaking from the heart, "Don't cry, please. You are also my mother, and my best friend, both in one. I love you, and will always be grateful for everything you've done for me."

            "Thank you, my dove." Noribuko held her hand. "You're the daughter I never had."

            Ayaka kissed her aunt on the cheek. By and by, her affection assuaged Noribuko, causing her sorrow to recede.

            "As you're sole caretaker I've been doing my best to make things better for you. So please understand it's not for any ambition of my own, or your uncle's, that I brought you to Shenobi; it's only because I care about you. I'm old Ayaka, whether I want to be or not. And we can never know what may happen one day to the next. The world is a dangerous place.” Noribuko shook her head incredulously. “Just look what Kage-maru did to Oku-no-kawa for opposing him. The daiymo were hunted down and the nomin marauded into the ground! And there are rumors of other fell things afoot.”

            It was true. Not only were treaties fracturing, there were reports of strange mists in the forests to the east, of savage akuma samurai, and murderous shadows in the night.

            "Gurinhiruzu doesn't command enough samurai to defend against the larger houses." Her aunt held up a finger. “But power and position can keep you safe. That's why we can no longer afford to be an independent prefecture. If the Shogun continues his campaign - we will need an alliance.”

            Ayaka tried to skirt the notion. "Why isn't it sufficient that we're still considered a southern realm?"

            "Our ties to Shenobi have become too loose. Thank your ancestors for that. Half the people in this city have never even heard of Kenkoya Castle. If you wed a southern daiymo however, Gurinhirzu would rest under wings of greater protection. Don't you see how important this is? If things worsen, our political standing has to be such that it will dissuade the Shogun from turning to us." Noribuko proceeded, as if walking a precarious path. "What more, since your uncle Raiju is lord of Ryoshu-kita, such a link through Gurinhiruzu could serve as a potential alliance between the Northern and Southern Kingdoms."

            Ayaka had heard this reasoning before; now that they were in Shenobi though, and she had witnessed the stark reality of what might happen, she keenly sensed the weight of what was at stake.

            "I understand," she said. "But doesn't it possibly pose a bigger risk to get this involved? Our kingdom is so small it is unimportant. If we enter into such alliances, might this not make us a target?"
            "It is a gamble," Noribuko answered. "And doing nothing would be far riskier. If we don't join the Southern Kingdoms, we'll be a lone cub in the woods. The Shogun would devour us. No my dove, we're already involved. That is why you must be prepared to take things into your own hands."

            Ayaka fell silent. The future was a wilderness of uncertainty, and wherever she turned, there were no other discernible paths.

            "The Southern Kingdoms are strong. Shenobi will never fall to the Shogun." Her aunt nodded for emphasis. "The Kyojin-Kasai Phoenix samurai are the bravest and best trained in the entirety of Isodoro."

            While Ayaka pondered these matters, the two shared a brief silence; in it, the cold shadow of a doubt passed, touching her with its shiver.

            Noribuko sounded worn by a long day of toil, "I just want to know you'll be taken care of, and that your kingdom will endure, even after I'm gone."

            Ayaka remained pensive for a spell. She had never envisioned, much less wanted, such responsibilities to fall to her. Bringing Gurinhiruzu deeper amid the increasingly unstable balances that held sway troubled her. She must be calm and rational. The people in her kingdom depended on her - the samurai, and all the nomin; Noribuko did too, including the memories of her family. These things she must honor. Indeed, for these things Ayaka would risk anything.

            "I shall do whatever is necessary to safeguard Gurinhiruzu," she said. "And if that means finding a husband - don't worry - I promise I'll find someone who can help us."

            Ayaka did not give voice to the other motives behind her decision. Although there was no proof, she always believed it was Shogun Kage-maru who had ordered her father's assassination. Perhaps even the black sickness was his doing. Therefore Ayaka was willing to take actions that could thwart her enemies' plans. Despite her meditations on the path of the Seishin-yodo, a part of Ayaka wanted revenge.

            "Well, you're not going to meet a man if you hide out here among thickets and brambles,” said Noribuko.

            "I'll find someone, don't you worry. But whether or not it will be here in the city or among the daiymo that I find the man whom I should marry, I cannot say. What might seem the best choice at first is oft not what destiny has chosen.”

            Regardless of Ayaka's ambiguous words, her display of resolve had satisfied Noribuko.

            “So you’re saying you’ll at least try on the new kimono-dress?”

            “Yes Noribuko-chan. I'd be delighted to.”

            “Good. Harumi is at the inn, and Akemi should be coming by later. This evening I’ll be preparing kaiseki ryori - your favorite dish.”

            She smiled and took her aunt's arm in her own. Together they strolled leisurely across the outer courts, towards the palace. A pair of stern samurai bowed as they passed. The palace edifices towered hundreds of feet into the sapphire sky, in multiple levels of double-eaved roofs - decked with balconies and windows which commanded views of the cityscape, and the limitless forests beyond Shenobi’s walls. Looking back over her shoulder, Ayaka could not ward the presage that for all their strength, those walls and their defenses would not be able to stop what was coming, a tsunami of the likes Isodoro had never seen. Amid her fear the whisper of a breeze called, stirring her intuition that beyond those walls a destiny awaited, a challenge unknown, faraway from the city and this realm, faraway from everything she had ever known.

            Ayaka promised herself that no matter what happened in these coming months, or years, one day she would find the vision lost in her dreams. 

Author's Note

This is the first chapter, not action packed by any means. There is action during the various points of the story, but it comes later. If you read these first chapters, I think you will find the beauty, intrigue, and mysterious and unique romance more than enough to carry you forward as layers of the story build with suspense and the wheels really get rolling.

Reviews

[Ti]

This is a beautifully created piece of writing. I love it. 'The Princess and The Gardens' is the perfect Chapter and starting to your book. This chapter makes me visualise Japan's beauty and sophistication when it comes to the past Japan in Shenobi. I wouldn't be surprised if you actually went to Japan, because from looking at this piece of writing, it seems so realistic that you have been there yourself, I'm seriously jealous of you if you have been to Japan. The only word I can think of when reading this chapter is 'beautiful', I hope your really considering to be a writer, and I hope this book, and also your other books become popular and published well in the future. Thank you for writing a wonderful chapter I enjoyed it. :)

[Kuandio]

What a nice review. Thank you very much. It is very encouraging. I am so glad you were able to feel the essence of this chapter in the way I intended it. It is about beauty, Ayaka’s inner beauty, and the way she connects to beauty around her. There is some hint at personal and larger conflict, but I don’t see any reason to start it off with intense drama, action, or suspense as is so often the case and recommended nowadays.

This is a first draft, but I’ve already done a looser first draft for the entire book that is like a very detailed outline with lots of bits and chunks of the writing done throughout. I know exactly what is going to happen and I’ve never enjoyed writing something as much as this story. Right now one third, almost half is written as this is.

If you’re going to read more, I think it might be better to wait a month or two, because I plan to go over the first third that has been posted online. I’ll let you know

I’m not in Japan, but would love to be there while doing the final edits for this, or maybe finding inspiration for another similar story, maybe a continuation. Can you imagine going to Kyoto, walking down the streets, and going to the ancient gardens there when the sakura is blooming, and working on your writing? I haven’t done that, but I hope to, and I hope you get the chance as well

[Ti]

Thankyou very much, I appreciate your comment, I'd also love to have a stroll around Kyoto, with you mentioning sakura trees blooming, I'd also love to paint or draw them, because I love both art and writing, and I'll gladly wait for a month or two, if it means waiting for something even more incredible than this to read, it would be great!

[Nusquam Esse]

Kyoto is much more well known, not for the sakura, but for the autumn colours. Since your first draft is done, I will try to look over this book soon. Mind messaging me the names as they are written in Japanese? (assuming you have done so) Since I have lived, and journeyed throughout Japan, and speak the language, I can hopefully be of assistance on this. As for Japanese stories, I recommend reading over my story "As a Temple Forgotten", it is my only story set in Japan. Again, hope to get a chance to look over this, and hopefully contribute some of my insight of Japanese culture.

[Kuandio]

Hi, thanks for taking interest in this story! Unfortunately I know hardly anything speaking or writing in Japanese. I never ever imagined I would write something like this, but the story compelled me to do so. The names are pretty basic right now, and a lot of them are temporary and will be changed in further revisions. I have to consult with some Japanese friends and eventually probably a scholar or two in Japanese culture or feudal era history (besides reading up more on my own). The story was going to be a blend of Asian cultures, Japan, Korea, China, but I gave up on that quick, way too complicated, and the original inspiration seemed to reflect Japan very closely. I'm going to add your story to my library. Thank you for your offer. I appreciate any feedback greatly and need help to make my writing effective. Although the main essence, backdrop for this story are Japanese, it only mirrors the country in ancient times, as well as its mythology, and the characters, places, events, are all fictitious

[Ti]

I cant wait for you to continue writing more :)
You are really talented, especially from your emotional and creative writing and imagery. I love your writing, keep up the good work, you've just earned a new fan . :)

[Kuandio]

Thanks again, I'll let u know as soon as its been revised, probably within a month at most

[C. Rose]

"almost old enough to (be)"

A beautiful first chapter. You take the time to show Ayaka's personality.
I know it's a risk to start low action, but you pull it off.

Good luck in your writing :)

[Kuandio]

Thank you very much for reading. I'm glad to hear you think the slow start works

[Edwin-Nweze]

I confess that I had to read the opening a few times before convincing myself to go forward. I read that your intention was to set the scene and portray the peaceful beauty, and I certainly noticed this atmosphere. It may be a personal preference, but unless the first few lines grip me, I struggle to continue. The first line could perhaps use a little attention as it was a little strange for me (perhaps the split focus steen both woman and garden at once). Personally, I know I would benefit from a prologue which hints at some conflict later or beginning this chapter with the conversation and weaving in the descriptions more gradually and naturally as the action unfolds. However, I have seen many approach writing this way in order to describe a world so it could be a taste thing. It really depends on your intended audience - do they crave the action or the peace and magic? Love the dialogue an the characters' interactions though.

[Kuandio]

Hi, thank you so much for taking time out of your day, or night, to read this. Wow, that's not so good to hear you had to kind of force yourself through it, but you're not the first. My other story, Dark Rider, starts out a bit faster, in terms of the "hook" in the first sentence, but overall it is lengthier

Nowdays, in classes, in books on how-to write, and websites, one of the main pieces of advice is to grab the reader's attention immediately, otherwise agents will chuck it. I see most writers, aspiring and those published in this day and age, taking it to heart. Sentences that start out like, "He knew he was about to die", or "He/she screamed in horrow as the flames burst around them", or similar explosive and dramatic starts, now abound. It's become so common, it's turned into a gimmick

However, I understand the importance of providing some reason for the reader to carry on, some hint of conflict, and that's why in the first paragraph I mention the Shogun and the war that's on its way, and then shortly hint at her loss, grief, and desire to heal the darkness that effects the world. Other than that, I can't compromise the actual story and mood being set, which is to introduce her almost as part of the gardens which are symbolic of her spirit, and her identity, emotions, during this peaceful moment in her life, which is to contrast greatly with the tragedy, horror, and violence that is to come. I do like the idea of adding a prologue or maybe a detailed blurb though

I think the audience for this book will come from a wide array of audiences because it is not specific to any one genre, but at the same time, many will not be into it for the same reason. Of course, I've got to improve as a writer, and you're review was helpful

[Edwin-Nweze]

Not a problem. Afraid I'm one of the fussy ones, so don't fret too much. If your blurb was promising enough that may have been enough to push me through a slow start, so at least it sounds like you have a plan ;) setting the scene and atmosphere is certainly important and shouldn't be compromised!

[Kuandio]

I don't think you're fussy. I think A LOT of people will feel the same way about this first chapter. Slow starts are risky, and I am a bit worried, but I have to believe that it's possible to make it work.
Anyways, when are you going to post your writing?

[Edwin-Nweze]

My novel is a bit all-consuming now for me to have anything recent to upload. However, I have just uploaded two of my shorter pieces from college days. This was when I was beginning to experiment and find my style and while they don't include the 'fantasy' elements I have grown to love, I certainly feel they can represent me for now...

[JR Darewood]

Your writing is really pleasant to read, you have sort of gentle style with a knack for poetic description. It's very cinematic, I can almost imagine this as a movie.

There are moments, however, when your sentences meander a bit. Take your last sentence for example. You've got a lot of really great images there, but its too much for one sentence, break it up, anchor us a bit more to the verb of the sentence, and the physical location. (like "the edifices reached for the sapphire sky. Multileveled hip and gable roofs overlooked the gardens and the city that surrounded it."

Your dialogue is great!

[Kuandio]

Hi. Many thanks for reading this chapter. I'm glad you got a gentle cinematic sense. Of everything I've written, I think this is the most free flowing and interwoven with beauty. The Black Phoenix is a very, very dark book in comparison

Your feedback is valuable. I think there will be many sentences that I have to simplify. Simplicity is always the best way to go. I used to be all the opposite, trying to impress others, trying to impress myself, but I'm trying to place myself as the writer in background, make myself as invisible as possible and just present the story in the way that is most natural to it.

If you are going to read more, please wait a month or two, because I have to revise this story as well as the Black Phoenix (title was recently changed to Dark Rider), though I think I will do Sakura Dream first. I will accept your friend request and will read something of yours, but it might take me a while to get to it yet. Feel free to send me messages to remind me what it is you'd like me to read. Have a good day watashi no yujin!

[JR Darewood]

Thanks! Sometimes a strong narrative voice can work, but being invisible is a very subtle art that works very very well as well-- invisibilty is a narrative voice of its own!
I just have one book (Unsung Heroes), so it's a pretty easy choice :)

[Si Fpl]

I'm Surprised That Its The Winner Of The Contest But I Don't Really Care For It Much. It's... Not What I Was Looking For But Wait. I'll Read Both entrys & Pick The Winner!

[Kuandio]

I don't know what contest you're referring to. I haven't won anything

[Si Fpl]

You win, if you remember or not.

[Si Fpl]

I Loved Your Passion It Reminds Me Of My Story I Made Called The Princess's Garden!!!!!!!!!

[Kuandio]

wow, I've never been online when I got a review, or comment. I'll check out your story. Only this chapter is the princess in the garden, the book is Sakura Dream

[Si Fpl]

I Know! Thank You For Offering To Read My Chapters! I Entered Them In A Contest!

[Sue Hart]

There are few people who want to sit through so much description to get to the story. It's tedious. Mingle the information among her thoughts perhaps. Bring in the situation to grab the reader. As they look, see, wonder etc. The character is strong, the dialogue flowed. Hope you don't mind suggestions. I can't tell you how many agents won't read that much description. Thought you would like to know this tops their list for mistakes new writers make. They have to be caught in the first three sentences and give it no more than three paragraphs to sell them.

[Kuandio]

Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to check out my writing. I'd kind of given up on this site the last couple months, busy too. No, I definitely don't mind suggestions, that's the main reason I've posted my work here. The more suggestions the better. The Sakura Dream stuff is all a first draft. I've looked back over this chap and took note that I need to thin out the description and modify some other things a bit, but it’s helpful to know that you see it that way too. I know that you’re supposed to hook the reader asap. I’m not sure what to do though. The rules are important, but we have to know when to break from them. (not sure if that's a good idea in this case yet). This is the main character, and I really want to open by introducing her in this peaceful setting because I think it sets the tone for who she, is in many ways, beauty, innocence, etc, and contrasts a lot with many things that are to come.

[Sue Hart]

You do not have to cut the descriptions. Just like in the Black Phoenix. You took me through seeing what he did. Do that here. Thoughts, moods, vision. Then the descriptions don't get dull.

[Mizuki Tsukiakari]

I loved the imagery in this chapter. It really contributes to the overall feel of the introduction of Ayaka's character. The dialogue flowed well in the conversation, and came across naturally and not forced. I'm very interested; I can't wait to read chapter 2 :)

[Kuandio]

Thanks, I'm glad someone finally took the time to review this. The scenery is definitely supposed to give a feeling of Ayaka's spirit. The peace and happiness is also supposed to contrast greatly with what is to grief and tribulations that are to come

[Mizuki Tsukiakari]

Your welcome :) I saw your post in the forum of my group Tenshi, and I was going to review your work as a formality, since you reviewed a chapter of my book, but since you posted that you were looking for an opinion of your book in the forum, I thought I would help out by reading a few chapters and giving some honest reviews :)

I feel if you keep up this astounding balance of imagery and events, it will really bring the book together. The differences between the sense of peace and the sense of hard times in chapters 1 and 2 really fit well together and draws you into the story.