Only a Dream

Noah lived in a world of dreams. A world that protected him from the death of his wife and his time in the institute. A world that would tear him apart.

He sat in the office, or at least, his body did. Doctor Greenlie sat behind her desk, tapping her pencil. He watched it move in slow motion, bouncing off the wood and then falling back down. He felt like he was in a fog miles away. When she spoke he couldn’t make sense of the words and his body stared at her, confusion written all over its face.

            “I asked you how you were feeling today Noah.” She repeated, halting the movement of the pencil.

He watched as his body struggled to make a response, lips faltering every time they tried to utter a sound. “I…I feel…this is just a dream isn’t it?” The words finally spilled out and the body stared at her skeptically. “None of this is real.”

“I can assure you it’s very real Noah.” The doctor told him, keeping her eyes locked on his. “Are you in the middle of an episode?” She pulled her notebook closer, poised to jot down notes as soon as it was necessary.

“You always say that.” His body responded, frowning at the woman. “How do I know this is real?”

“You’ll just have to trust me Noah. I’ve been with you for three years now, what reason do I have to lie.” She scribbled something on the clean white paper, no doubt taking notes on his body’s behavior. He wanted to see what it said, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t. He could only watch her from his body’s perspective.

His body sighed, sagging forward slightly. “I don’t know why I’m here, I want to go home.” It muttered, turning away from her. “I want to see my wife again.”

“Noah, your wife died last year, remember? You stayed in the hospital with her for two days.” Dr. Greenlie said softly, in a tone one would use to tell a child.

“No that…that was a bad dream. That’s proof you’re lying to me.” His body jumped up, staring at the doctor with rage and disbelief. “It was just a nightmare.”

“It really happened, Noah. She had cancer, there was nothing that could be done.”  Dr. Greenlie got up, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to ease him back onto the couch.

Noah woke up, his eyes widening as he was placed back where he belonged, back in his body. “How…how could this happen? She was so young.” He whimpered, his movements finally synched with the real world.

“Do you still feel like this is a dream Noah?” the doctor questioned, staying at his side.

“No…it…it’s real isn’t it. I feel like I’m here.” His voice was low, barely a whisper. “I feel like I’m present in this moment.”

“That’s good, it means your episodes are getting shorter.” Dr. Greenlie crouched in front of him, trying to keep him calm. “You’re getting better Noah.”

“I’ll never be better Doctor.” He whispered, sorrow welling up in his eyes. “I realized that my life ended the second you diagnosed me. Depersonalization, that’s what you called it. All I can call it is a life sentence to this place.”

*   *   *

Noah was an interesting patient. His disorder was rarely brought into a ward because many sufferers thought it was just a trick of the mind. Which it was, but it was still considered an illness. He could have been cured within weeks of coming to the institute, but where was the fun in that. She could tell by the glaze in his eyes that he was checked out, as he was most days. Part of it was caused by the disorder, the other part was the nurses who whispered to him while he slept to convince him that his entire life was just a dream that he would one day wake up from.

She laced her fingers together as he took his seat, staring blankly at her. She went through the questions, how he was, if he was really here, always the same but changing as the conversation changed. His responses were slow, his movements sluggish as the visit went on.

“Noah, your wife died last year remember?” the statement was a blatant lie. His wife lived on two states away like she always had. They’d found a woman similar enough in appearance to trick him while he was having an episode. His wife had tried to visit him several times since then, but she was always told the same. Seeing people from his life would trigger him and he’d only get worse. After three months of trying she stopped showing up and the illusion was complete

Right after the faked hospital visit he stopped begging to go home and resigned to his fate. It made it easier to run the tests when he no longer believed he would get better. He had told her once that the physical pain made the emotions pain hurt less. It was common to experience such things and all the doctors were pleased he felt that way.

He would never get better, because they would never treat him. He was taking medication, but it was just the same sugar pills all the patients took. He would never know the truth, no one would. Noah had given into the belief that he would never leave the institute, that he would forever be trapped within the cold walls.

She gave him a soft smile as he told her how he really felt about his mental health. “You may take a while to get better Noah, but one day you will walk out of here a sane man.” She comforted, but it was obvious that it had no affect on the man’s opinions. “I promise you, I will find a way to save you.”

“There’s nothing to go back to, my wife is dead, my children most likely in foster care somewhere. And do you really think they would return them to a man who’d spent years in a mental ward?” Tears were welling up in his eyes and she almost felt sorry for him, almost, but she knew better than to connect with the patients.

“When we discharge you I will personally fight to get them back to you.” The words were supposed to sound sweet, but they came out clinical.

He turned his face away from her, staring out her little office window to the little dirt road that was the only way to and from the institute. “If I get out.” He said dryly, watching as a food delivery van came up to the front gate and was let in.

“When.” She said again, rising to her feet. “You can leave Noah, I have a few things I need to fill out before my next patient.” She walked back to her desk, a pleased smile across her face.

Noah didn’t say anything as he got up to go. As soon as she heard the door close she made a call to her supervisor to spread the good news that always came from working with Noah. A permanent addition to the collection was always something to celebrate.