Chapter Seven: I Should Have Told Her

          Junior year was when things started getting worse. It was then that my mother started really talking about my dad. And everything she had to say was negative. I was vulnerable and listened to everything I was told. I was influenced by what went on around me.

          I knew that we moved a lot when I was a kid. Mom told me it was because my dad could never keep a job. I don’t know if it’s true or not, I never asked. I just took it all in and listened. She told me he never paid his child support and I had no reason to believe otherwise. I also felt ignored when I went to see him on the weekends. He spent a lot of time playing darts and going to concerts.

          Looking back it wasn’t his fault that we never got to see him. The only time he had off from work was the weekend. The only time we were at his house was every other weekend. He couldn’t always make his plans work. Now I know it was ridiculous to blame him, but I was young and I missed my dad.

          Megan saw how hurt I was about everything my mom said and reacted in the only way she knew how. She told me to run away. Actually, she told me to tell him off and stop seeing him. She claimed it would give him a taste of what I’d been feeling. I was a stupid kid and Megan was my best friend. I listened to her. That summer I got offered a job at a vet clinic and I yelled at my father till I was blue in the face. I didn’t go see him again for more than a year.

          Over the summer my job distracted me. I was a Veterinary Assistant in charge of cleaning the clinic, restraining and weighing animals, and being a human tourniquet when we drew blood. It was a time when I wanted to go to vet school and the clinic job was beautiful. I spent the days with animals, helping them feel better. I loved every second of it.

          But that job made me realize I didn’t exactly want to be the vet. I loved being the assistant, getting to help but not having to take any of the risks. The vet was the one that really had to worry. If an animal was hurt and unable to be helped it was on her shoulders to fix it. As the assistant I just took orders. I knew that if I was the actual vet I’d be constantly afraid of messing up. So I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I knew I’d figure it out eventually.

          Another distraction from dad was Dalton. It was that summer that I finally decided I cared enough about him to give up the urge to stay a virgin. I didn’t want to be just another high school w***e so I held fast that I wouldn’t have sex with him. And he never pushed me to. I went into the relationship telling him no and never once did he argue and beg. He just let it go like it didn’t matter to him one bit. I think it was that little detail that made me finally okay with the idea.

          It was just another day at his place when I told him it was okay if we did more than just make out and grope each other. I had come to the realization that I was almost positive that I would marry this boy one day. I didn’t care what anyone else thought, we’d been dating for two years and I loved him with all of my heart. He simply asked if I was sure then never said another word about it.

          It was two months later that we acted on my decision. I was worried that I had made the wrong choice, but when it got right down to it, it was perfect. I finally felt like I was one with this boy. I was more than just a girlfriend, I was his lover. He was gentle and sweet in a way I didn’t think was possible. He treated me like no one else ever would. Dalton meant everything to me, and in that moment that we were joined together I was truly happy for the first time in years.

          I wanted to tell the world about what had happened, but the only person I could tell was also the one person who would hate me for it. Megan was my best friend, but she was also one of the strongest Christians I knew. I was terrified of telling her that I’d lost my virginity to Dalton. She would strangle me; I might have even lost her over it.

          So I didn’t say anything to her that summer, or for most of the year after. Some people will try to tell you that that is the reason we fell apart. And while it did contribute to our brutal end, it was only one factor. There was so much more that worked to build a cliff, and then at the end of my senior year, she pushed me off.