Chapter 3

   “Need a ride?” Ben asked me as we walked out of the front doors of our high school. Three fifteen always came so slowly. Today was Friday though; at least we had the weekend.

    “Does a heroin addict need a needle? Of course I need a ride.” I answered with fervent thankfulness. Ben knew just how much I dreaded riding with my parents and usually offered a way of escape when he could. He just chuckled and side stepped so that he was so close to me as we walked we were almost touching. I smiled to myself and followed him to his usual parking space. He did that kind of thing all the time and I loved it. When he did finally move away it was only so we could get in his car. I opened the door a grin still on my face as I threw my bag in his backseat and got in the passenger side. “Are you ever going to trade this thing in?” I asked giggling referring to his old black Trans am once he had slid into his spot and closed the door. I was always giving him heck about his car. It was one of our inside jokes.

    He raised an eyebrow playfully shifting into reverse and rolling out of the parking lot. “Not all of us can be so lucky to drive a new shinny Porsche, Sam.” he recoiled in a still playful but sly tone knowing that I couldn’t say anything to that. “ Besides, Lori here was a hot rod in her day, and she has been incredibly reliable.”

    I had to fight the urge to grit my teeth at the word reliable, as it sent gruesome pictures from my nightmare stabbing into my mind. Quickly I shook this off. I didn’t want Ben to suffer anymore of my craziness he had dealt enough with it today. I rolled my eyes and snorted. “I still can’t believe that you named it.” I said with a laugh. “And dad did offer to get you something new, remember?”

    He rolled his deep blue eyes at the mention of this. “And I said that I didn’t need your dad’s charity money, remember?” he was serious now. Ben had never liked to be treated like he was incapable of providing for himself and My Father had an uncanny way of doing so. Honestly it bothered me just as much as it bothered Ben.

    “Yeah I remember.” I stated adjusting in the beaten vinyl seat so I could look out the window. It had started raining pretty hard. I loved the rain. The grass and trees looked so much greener against the contrast of the gray sky.  In the background the radio played softly, almost inaudibly. Millions of thoughts raced through my head. How could I live without Ben? Was that even possible? Who would listen to me and understand me if something ever were to happen to him? The reality to such questions was earthshaking and hit me right in the gut at break neck speed. A single tear escaped the corner of one of my hazel eyes.

    “What are you thinking about?” A strong voice asked as a hand slipped under mine that lied in my lap.

    I didn’t look at him knowing that that would only make things worse. “The rain.” I lied.

    He knew I wasn’t telling the truth but he knew what the truth was so he didn’t press. I knew it was only because he didn’t want to get me upset. For the rest of the way to my house it was quite. When we did arrive at my suburban mansion, I felt confident enough to hold it together. I looked down at the connection that we had not broken with a soft smile as his thumb traced invisible designs on my skin.

    “I’ll walk you in.” He said after a while of silence.

    I raised an eyebrow with a laugh glancing out the window and then back at him. “Ben it’s pouring outside.”

    “What?” he asked flashing his amazing smile. “You think I’m going to melt?”  I smiled back and before I really knew it he had grabbed my bag from the back and darted out his door coming around to my side waiting for me. I giggled and followed getting out and running toward my front door. By the time we reached my porch we were both soaked and laughing purely because we knew how ridiculous we must look.

    When my breath had caught up with me from the sprint and the laughter finally clamed I looked up into his eyes. For a few breathless moments he just stared back his soft grin still lingering on his strong face.

    “Here.” He said after a minute shifting my bag off of his shoulder and handing it to me.

    I took it gratefully “Thanks.” I managed in a whisper. I was beginning to feel the unwavering power of my emotion that I knew would come with his departure. I didn’t want to let this boy out of my sight. Again I pushed the feelings down as best as I could, forcing a smile. “You want to stay for dinner? Wanda is making your favorite, three cheese lasagna.” My voice sounded calm, but he wasn’t stupid.

    A sigh gusted from his chest as his sympathetic gaze studied me.  “As much as I would like to stay for your step- mother’s amazing culinary art, I cant. I already promised mom that I would chill at home tonight. It’s her night off.”

    I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek and shifted my eyes to the black converse that I was wearing, to hide the tears that were threatening to fall. Suddenly he slipped a finger under my chin and raised my gaze to his. I couldn’t help it anymore a single tear trailed silently down my cheek and as quickly it had appeared Ben brushed it away gently. “Sam…” he said in a strong whisper that caused a chill to run up and down my spine. “You can’t let this haunt you.” His big arms wrapped around me, quilting me in the warmth that radiated off of his body, shielding me from the slight cold that the rain had brought with it.

    I didn’t hold back anymore, laying my head on his chest I cried softly into his thin hoodie for a moment. “What would happen if I was right?” I asked, after a while had passed, in a whimper that was muffled a little by his shoulder. 

    Ben pulled me away from his form so his sea blue eyes could stare straight into mine with intense sincerity. His hands that he had kept on my shoulders squeezed gently with the words that he said next. “You would keep living and being the strong person that I know you are.” 

    I couldn’t say anything to this. Mostly because I knew if I did words would not come out, sobs would. But more then this was because the only reason I was surviving my life now was because of him. Once more he brushed tears off my cheeks.

    “No more tears.” he said with a smile that was so irresistibly contagious a weak smile of my own appeared in spite of myself. “I have to ask you something.”

    I raised my eyebrow there was something mischievous about his grin and I knew he was up to something. “What?”

    His nature took on a sheepish appearance. “Well I know how far off it is and just how much you hate these kind of things, but I was wondering…or thinking… we could maybe- possibility go to senior prom together?” I had to refrain from rolling my eyes. He was right when he said that

I hated these kinds of things. I had never been one of those girls that got all excited and googily- eyed when it came to things like school dances, although I am sure nothing in the world would please my step- mother more if I was. I just wasn’t like that. Sure I took pride in the way I looked and dressed but never was I obsessed with it. Carlie, my little sister, had that role completely taken care of. I loved my sister but she was shallow. Before I could turn him down, Ben was already defending. “Come on, Sam, this is like a rite of passage, a huge milestone, and I want you to be the one that I share it with.” I smiled not being able resist being flattered and sighed                                                     

    “Please?” he continued to beg, giving his best set of puppy dog eyes. “For me?”

    Ugh. I couldn’t fight with that. I would do anything for him and he knew this. After thinking about it I would rather go to a million and five proms for every night the rest of my life with him if it kept him alive and happy. I released another sigh and then smiled softly again looking up at him. “Okay.” I finally agreed in a whisper as once again my emotion began bleeding through my mask.

    His huge bright smile returned to his face. “Why are you crying again?” he asked with a chuckle. “I mean I know I am not that great of a dancer but if you are this embarrassed of me then I guess you don’t have to go.”

    I laughed through my tears. “You know that is not why I am crying.” I said raising an eyebrow.

    With this the nature of his smile gentled as he stepped closer so that our toes were touching and softly he took my head in his hands. “I will always be here for you. - Even if one day you cant see me. - You will never be alone.” slowly he pulled my face close to his and our lips met. Instantly my heart began to throb. This kind of thing had only happened one other time between us but never after that. I think it was because the first time we were younger and he was shy. He was a good kisser. His breath began to come short as I dropped my book bag on the porch and ran my free hands trough his hair gently and his arms wrapped around my waist pressing me harder to his body.

    “Come in.” I whispered when his lips parted from mine only so he could breathe. I knew this was a horrible thought but maybe this event would keep him here. At least when he was here I had him in my sight. The panic that came with not knowing where he was or if he was okay was just a far memory. But that really was not the only reason I wanted him stay. I liked this. I had been waiting for this for a long time. We both knew we were more then just friends we just never really publicized it. 

    “Your step mom.” He whispered back pressing his lips on my neck softly.

     “Her car is not here, she is gone.” I said shooting the excuse down. “You could hang here for a while.”

     After a moment more of his caressing he looked up at me sighing. “Sam,-” this was bad. I could tell by the tone of his voice. He was not going to stay. “ I cant. My mom is waiting and…”

    I shook my head knowing that nothing I could say or do would help me. “I understand.” I stated in a quiet voice looking away.

    “Do you?” he asked still whispering and using his finger to pull my chin toward him so that I was looking in his eyes once more. “You know I would, but I promised her…” Ben said his voice trailing off sounding just as disappointed as I felt.

    I decided that he was telling the truth so I was not upset. I gave him a smile raising my eyebrow and snorting. “The one women I cant compete with.” I said with a half hearted laugh. “Your mother.”

    A chuckle of his own escaped him. “You two are running very close though.”

Still smiling I rolled my eyes and sighed. “You better not keep her waiting.” I said letting my arms slip off of him.

    His arms that were still around my waist tightened ever so slightly. “There is one more thing I have to say before I leave though.” he said his eyes becoming soft and serious once more.

    I put my hands on his shoulders and rested my arms on his. “Tell me.” I whispered cocking my head slightly to one side as I stared back into his deep eyes. I loved those eyes. I really think I could get lost in them and have no thoughts of ever returning.

    His nature became sheepish again. “I have been doing a lot of thinking lately - about us - and I think… Sammy I think that I love you.”

    I laughed at him and his shaky shyness. “So that explains the lip action.”

    Ben bit his full bottom lip as his cheeks shaded pink. “Yeah that was kind of sudden huh?”

    I shook my head and shrugged. “I was wondering when it was going to happen, but, Honestly -” I said pausing for effect. “I wouldn’t mind if you were ‘sudden’ more often.” I inched closer to him feeling the calm of his spirit radiating off of his body.

    He laughed  “ I will remember that.” he promised in a soft tone. For a moment or two we were silent again as all we did was look at each other and smile. Taking his hand and gently pushing my dark black brown hair behind one of my ears he pressed his lips against mine again. This time it was a little different. Our touch was slow but soft and very sweet. It only lasted for a moment before it was over but I think that I liked that better then the first. Releasing me he picked up my book bag and handed it to me. “I will call you later.”

    I nodded and reluctantly moved away, grabbing my book bag. My undying paranoia was back almost instantly as I made my way to the front door, gripping hold of my stomach and causing me to fight nausea.

    “Sam.” His voice called softly, from behind me stopping me dead in my tracks. I turned to see him standing half way down the steps smiling. “I love you.”

    A tear streaked down my cheeks. “I love you too Ben.” I told him. I didn’t think I had ever spoken truer words then those. 

    Smiling even larger now he put up the hood of his jacket and ran out to his car. I sighed pushing the moisture off my cheeks and stepped through the threshold of my house.  

    Hoping to kill the grim thoughts of what could possibly happen to my best friend I walked into the kitchen to see if my step mother left any sign of where she was. Just as I had suspected a note scribbled on a piece of yellow paper was hanging on the big black fridge waiting for me. My sister was at cheerleading practice and my dad was probably still at his office so I had the whole house to myself.

    I trudged over to the parchment and with half hearted interest, read over it.

   

    Sammy,

I went to pick up Carlie and a few last minute things for dinner. By the time I get back your father should be home. Go ahead and dress for dinner, and Sam, please no band tee shirts your father was not at all happy with last week’s display.

   Love Wanda.

 

   

    I giggled devilishly to myself remembering the look on my father’s face as I strutted down the stairs for dinner last Friday wearing an old grungy Van Halen tee shirt that Ben and I had found in the bowels of a forsaken thrift shop a few afternoons before. It was priceless. Of course he was raging mad but honestly I didn’t care. I sighed again crumpling the letter in my hand and tossing it in nearest trashcan before heading upstairs to my room.

    I needed a smoke. Maybe this was the reason why I was addicted to cigarettes. What kind of family dressed up for dinner? None. Ugh.

     After letting my stuff fall on my bed I went over to my dresser opening the underwear drawer digging to the bottom where my pack of Marlboro menthols were hidden. There was only one left. I chewed the inside of my lip for a moment in thought. Did I really want to smoke this now? I really needed a nic fix but I might need it a lot more in a little while knowing my family. Besides this, it was the weekend and I probably wouldn’t be able to get a hold of another pack until Monday, unless I stole from my father.

    I grunted looking out my balcony window at the weather. It was still pouring, so I tossed the single back down in my dresser. I never smoked inside, mostly because I didn’t want to get caught and because I didn’t want the smell to hang all over me.

    Ben would have been happy with this outcome. He hated the fact that I smoked and didn’t support it at all. There was only one time that I could remember him buying me a pack but it was because I was really really upset, that was a one-time thing though. He called them cancer sticks, and was always telling me that I needed to quite. I guess I could understand why he hated them so much; they were the cause of his father’s death.

     Wordlessly I made my way to my big bathroom in order to start getting ready. Curling my thick hair and dressing in a pair of black slacks and black button down top I stopped and looked at my reflection.

    I did this every so often. I would stare at myself for a really long time hoping to see some part of the women that I never knew, in myself. Each time I could only come up with one similarity. Our piercing green eyes. The rest was clearly that of my father’s hand me down genes. I had no pictures of my mother, but my dad would always tell me that we had the very same eyes. 

    I think it annoyed him but I clung to this fact - I guess because it was all that I knew -. My mother (or Olivia, as my dad so fondly referred to her as) had left when my sister was only four months old and I was one, without warning or explanation. She was kind of this missing chapter to my life, a whole section that had been torn out. I knew nothing about her or who she really was although I wish I did. I had tried to talk to my dad about her before but that got me nowhere. I just ended up having more unanswered questions then I had started with . . .

    As usual I came up with nothing else apart from the eyes, but I knew I would probably do this same thing tomorrow night. It was kind of a ritual. Would life have been different if she would not have left?

    Suddenly the slamming of the front door broke my thoughts causing me to jump. My dad’s tired work ridden voice was next. “ Sammy!” He bellowed his voice bouncing off of the vastness of the house.

    I sighed trying my hardest to keep positive but that determination was wavering. “Yes?” I called flatly in return.

    “I got your car back today, its in the garage.” He said in a toneless manner.

    That was enough to make me feel a little better. “Thanks dad.” I said sincerely. He did not respond but he was usually one of those people that ended a conversation in silence, so it didn’t bother me. I was to happy knowing that I would no longer be trapped in the car with my family to worry about it anyway. 

     Speaking of cars, I glanced at my phone nervously as my anxiety kicked back in. Any missed calls? None. He said he would call. What was taking him so long? I glanced over my shoulder out my balcony window once more. The rain had eased generously, but it was not dark yet and if my dream was correct then Ben should be fine. Still my soul was restless.

    The ever present pull of my addiction to nicotine was there nagging at my lungs. I couldn’t take this. I needed something. Even if it wasn’t really going to help in the long run, and I could always steal a few smokes from my Dad’s stash if things got to bad.

    My Dad was a closet smoker just like me only he didn’t know that I was aware of this. It was a wonder that he didn’t notice his stash depleting the way it did though. Sometimes I wondered if he was even sure of what went on in reality besides his work. He was always so dazed with what was going on with clients to notice anything remotely important. Oh well. I couldn’t really complain his work-aholic nature usually made certain details of life easier for me.

    Locking my door and sighing I pulled on an old hoodie grabbing my lighter and finding my last single as I headed for the window. The glass frame was fairly large but not really meant to be climbed out of. This fact never stopped me though. I looked at it this way: what good was a balcony if you couldn’t be out on it? With one fluid motion I unlocked the pane and scrambled out. The wet chills of the air hit my gut causing me to retreat deeper into the thin warmth of my jacket, and shift my hood up protecting my hair from the moisture. The clicking sound of my lighter as I lit my cigarette was like music to my ears. I already felt my body unknotting itself even if it was only a little bit. Inhaling deeply I turned back to my phone once more just to be disappointed again. I decided I would be the one to call him. I just couldn’t wait anymore. It was eating at me. Flicking the excess ashes off my drug I dialed his number and pressed the receiver to my ear impatiently tapping my fingers on the wet slick railing of the balcony. One ring … two rings…. three rings…come on Ben. Pick up! I begged silently. To my extreme dismay his voicemail was the only thing that I got. Grunting, I slid the phone shut. This was not good. I was sure to go absolutely insane now. Not really knowing what to do at this point I just decided to try and numb my racing mind and kill the last of my smoke. I was done in less then three minutes ditching the cigarette just in time as my stepmother’s sleek black Lexus SUV pulled up in the drive. It wouldn’t be long till dinner now. God.

     Hoping no one had had time to see me I climbed back into my room        latching the window. As I did this I realized how fast the light of the day was being leached out of the gray sky. Time was running out.

    Wanda’s voice shouting up the stairs caused me to jerk violently. “Sam! Come set the table!”

    I gritted my teeth trying to keep my tone as un acid as possible. “Coming!” I answered tossing my lighter in my underwear drawer and shedding my hoodie. Time to put on the mask that I had for the last eighteen years of my life. I raced down stairs a fake smile slathered over my worried face.

    “The china and silver wear are already waiting for you on the table.” Wanda said not even bothering to look up at me as she concentrated on retrieving dinner from the oven.

    I gritted my teeth. Not even a ‘hello, how was your day Sammy?’ or ‘Sammy you look like you have just seen the angle of death. Do you want to talk?’ … Nothing. I should be used to this by now but part of me - the dumb part maybe - was clinging to the unrealistic hope of my parents actually caring.

    Deciding not to linger or waste my time I nodded and made my way silently to our large dining room to obey the order that I was given. Dad was already seated at the head of our long round table, his nose stuck in a mass of papers that were spread before him. I resisted the urge to sigh and began setting the places. By the time I had reached his spot he was still buried beneath his work, completely unaware of the world around him. I wondered if he even knew that I had entered the room. “Dad?” I asked raising an eyebrow impatiently.

    This seemed to pull him out of the daze that he had slipped into. “Hmm?” he asked looking up to me with clouded, unconcerned eyes.

    This time I sighed aloud and held out the plate along with the silver wear as if to make a statement of what I was doing.

    “Oh.” He said dryly after a moment or two, pushing the papers into a pile and moving them off of the table. “Sorry.” He said his tone telling me that this was false.

    I wanted to roll my eyes, but figured that it would get me into trouble so decided against it.

    Wanda stepped into the room at that moment bringing the smell of dinner with her, wafting around me and making my stomach knot. Great, now this whole nightmare thing had me sick.  Trying to shake this off I sat down at my usual spot on my father’s right hoping that my midsection would slow its spinning.

    Wanda made everyone’s plate and by the time she was finished Carlie entered the room and took her place across from me. Wanda sat as well. Moments that felt like thousands of years, slipped by in deafening silence.

    “So,” Richard began once he had shoveled a few bites of lasagna into his mouth. “Where is Ben this evening, Sammy?” He asked me folding his hands and resting his chin there giving him the appearance of actually caring.

     Words caught in my mouth at the mention of my best friends name, and I had to take a sip of water before speaking. “Um- His mom had the night off and they are spending it together.” I was finally able to say.

     He nodded slowly exaggerating each movement. I could tell he was having trouble finding a conversation topic, but at least he was making an effort. That was unusual. “How is school?”

    Before I could answer Carlie snorted pushing her long strawberry hair out of her face and taking a bite of her salad. “She is probably falling asleep in class. I know I am! If she is keeping me up with her creepy dreams then I know she can’t be getting good sleep either.”

    I could feel my face becoming hot and my stomach tossing in protest once more. Suddenly
I was wishing for the silence again. Gritting my teeth I tried in feeble attempt to recompose myself.

    Everyone’s eyes were on me, each set displaying different emotions. My dad had disgust so plainly portrayed on his face that it was almost physically painful for me to look at, Carlie was smirking like she was enjoying the whole turmoil that she had just created, but it was Wanda’s gaze that made me want to stop and break down. She looked Concerned - and afraid - Of me.

    My dad’s hard and slightly angry voice came through again. “I hope that is not the case.” He said his tone hard, like it was going to help the situation. “Are your issues really disturbing the peace that much Sam?” now his voice was accusing. I could almost hear the other question in his mind: ‘Are your abnormalities really causing that much of a problem for our fake family?’

    Now I was mad and the emotion was building inside of me at a deadly speed. “I cant help what I dream Dad.” I said hissing the last word through my teeth. The acid in my tone was unmeasured. “What does it matter to you anyway?” I asked letting my eyes bore into his unashamed and unafraid.

    “When your personal problems interrupt the well being of my family that’s when it matters.” He spat. “We are suffering because of you!”

    “Richard!” Wanda said with a gasp knowing that he had crossed the line.

    “I always thought that family was supposed to deal with this kind of thing together!” I had lost it.  This was just so hypocritical. “ But then again you would have no idea about that would you!?” My breath became short and shaky. “Just like you have no idea what I go through almost every night when I close my eyes! My well being has been interrupted for almost eight years now and you have never once cared about that! But now all of a sudden when Carlie can’t sleep you get upset?” I shook my head bitterly forcing hot tears to stay off of my face and out of my eyes. Slamming my cloth napkin down I fled from the room slamming the door on the way out. It was a wonder that the glass inside didn’t break with the force I had used.

    I made my way down the hall and to my father’s dark study locking the door behind me. There I sank to the floor curling up in a ball. My insides felt as though they were being ripped from my body and trampled on.

     I guess the thing that hurt me the most was the fact that ever since I had been having these dreams about death I had begged my father to get me help but he wouldn’t. Its not like we couldn’t afford it, and I needed it, but he had just refused. He had said that he didn’t want to appear unstable to his clients and that problems in the family were usually problems that would turn people away from his business. Maybe that’s where all of my feelings of resentment towards my father came from., his unwillingness to help me.

    I sighed pulling myself up off the floor deciding to make use of my time here. Silently, I made my way over to the large desk next to the huge window that over looked the woods beside to the house, and began sorting through the drawers where he kept his cigarettes. My hands were shaking with the anger and hurt that still existed in my core, and for a moment or two I seriously contemplated taking all of what he had stored there. - No. He couldn’t be that blind. Although this fact didn’t stop me from taking a generous amount. I know I at least got six.

     Maybe I would get cancer. That really didn’t sound horrible at the moment. Suddenly as this thought crossed my mind I was ashamed that it did. Ben’s devastated expression made its way into my head. I knew that if he lost me it would be just as hard as me losing him. - I wasn’t really quite sure why this was I was nothing special, but, knowing it made me want to fight to stay alive. So I pushed the idea far from my mind.

    Unexpectedly my phone vibrated in the pocket of my black pants making a loud buzzing sound and causing my heart to skip three beats. Quickly I clawed at my side in search of the device hoping that it would be Ben. I needed an angle right about now. The caller ID displayed his first and last name and my spirits lifted almost instantly.

 

 

Author's Note

Reviews needed. =] Hope you are still liking it. It gets even better.