The memories I keep

There she sat, farther each and everyday. I never knew what went past those dark brown eyes of hers. She liked to sit at that table by the window in the coffee shop that I visit every day. She would sit at the same table during rain or any type of weather that would be happening outside. She would just be reading a book with a cup of what I would presume to be coffee in her hand. I wanted to talk to her so much but I have no idea why I desired to do this. She was much younger than I was. But I couldn't help wonder about who she was or her purpose. I was just longing to know more about this little girl. Soon I had the feeling of realization that I was thinking of her all the time and I paid more attention to her when I saw her than anything else. I would fall from my feet, where clearly a wet floor sign had been placed. It was worth it to be given extra time to try and figure her out. But my eyes wouldn't leave her. I felt as if she had no idea of her surroundings and I had become just a passing soul that she hadn't noticed and probably never would. A few weeks had passed and I decided that I was going to talk to her; I wanted to know her name, how she spoke, who she was and most of all why she was so important to me. How she had become so close to my heart without me knowing a single detail of her. Don’t get me wrong this wasn’t an attraction it was a familiar feeling that I couldn’t quiet put my finger on.

The day had come when I was going to approach the young lady. Outside a horrendous storm was filling the sky but I had to see her. I drove off to the coffee store on that dreary Saturday evening, marched towards the table next to the window... She was not there. Her book was still there though. I sat down in her seat and picked up the book she had just seemed to finish. Suddenly, my eyes widened and my heart stopped. I know who she is.

Today is Saturday, May 25 1995. Last year on this exact date she passed my young eleven year old daughter Alison. What kind of man am I to forget my own daughter? What kind of father could live a normal life for a complete year without being aware of his daughter's death? I couldn't help myself from tearing up at the time; the tears I had failed to shed for her that had built up inside started belting out from my eyes. I started realizing what happened this day last year. I placed the book inside of my jacket and ran off into the parking lot and ran, I didn't stop. Flashes of crying and screaming busted in my ear drums. What the hell was going on? I remember the morning she came up to me and asked me to go to the movies with me but I was to busy and had to leave to work. As I opened the door to leave she grabbed my hand and tears rolled off her cheeks as if she knew, something was bad was going to happen, she was scared. I shook her hand off and slammed the door behind me.

After work I came home and I walked up to our small apartment the door had been left open and there she was on the ground blood splattered everywhere. Previous to this I didn't really care for her because her mother died the month before and I just couldn't stop thinking of how upset I was that I forgot how young and fragile Alison was. I thought of her as the cause of her mother's death. That night, I thought my life was over I sat in my living room on the floor next to Alison, no tears were shed from my eyes I just watched her hoping she would just awake from her sleep. She never did. The morning after that I called the police department, they told me that they had caught the intruder who killed Alison the same night for previous murder cases he had caused. I went to the jail he was located in, to talk to him. I don't know why I wanted to talk to the man who killed my daughter; I guess I just wanted to see who the last person Alison saw was. I remember sitting in that small room at the table while the man got brought in the room cuffed up by the police officer. I asked him how he killed Alison. You would think I'm sick to be wondering that, wouldn’t you? He explained to me that Alison had walked out the door in effort to catch up to me to apologies for bothering me. But I was already gone by the time she got out of the apartment building. When he came up and talked to her, as upset she was she had told him she wanted to find her daddy. The man told her he could be her new daddy. He took her into his apartment and suffocated her purely because he was in a bad mood. The man thought he could get away with it so he threw the body back in Alison's own apartment and he just walked away.

How could anyone walk away with a clear conscience like that? There are sick people in this world and we can't treat them as if they have lived wrong, we need to understand why these people hurt others, were they beat as a kid or are they mentally ill? I left that room without saying a word. I remember after leaving I rushed back to my apartment grabbed a small bag and packed my things in it and moved away. As the days passed I didn't remember Alison or my wife. Maybe I took to many drugs that my memory had slowly vanished or maybe I was too inflicted with myself to care about anything else.

I remember now, at this moment looking back, everything I had forgotten. I starter running and didn’t stop till I had run about five  miles till I reached the cemetery where Alison and my life had been buried. I got on my knees and ran my fingers through the wet dirt, listening to the sounds of the thunder and rain hitting the ground. I still don't know how I had forgotten these horrible memories, maybe that's what Alison wanted for me to forget her like I did that day or just so I could move on with my life. I never got to tell her I loved her. I will never see her grow up or even hug her. Just like how I didn't get to tell my wife I loved her or kissed her before she died. I fell asleep beside the grave and mourned for hours, the tears hadn't taken a break, After a few hours I looked up to see a vivid image of Alison smiling at me holding her mothers hand. She mouthed something that I couldn't quiet make out. As I reached my hand out to her they disappeared.

I probably went crazy after that but truthfully I was crazy before this. I was crazy to leave Alison that day. Crazy to let the man who killed her leave my sight without a single word. Crazy to forgotten the two people who meant the most to me, Now they are gone, you never know what you have until it disappears from your mind. I will be okay; I will always remember my precious daughter and my amazing wife they will forever be with me. Don't forget the things you love the most or you might just end up losing them forever, I was fortunate enough to keep the memories I have now. In the end I never did forget about Alison she was always somewhere in my heart, I just didn't look deep enough to find out that it was her. I was afraid, afraid of the painful memories she brought back.

After that day I went to get coffee at the shop and she wasn't there. She was never there, She was more aware of me than I was of her in the end.

Author's Note

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