I Wish

This is a letter to that warlock

Maker of dreams and great lucks

These are my dreams in bold words

The wishes I could always die for

I wish for one being supernatural

To guard me against all disaster

I long for two beings so affectionate

'Father' and 'mother' so immaculate

I wish for siblings - three is enough

'Blood is thickest when tides are tough'

I wish for friends, "why four?" You shriek

Numbers count little in great friendships

Next I wish for that imperfect '5 and 6'

Best of buddies, no little-est of secrets

I wish to live through seven days a week

Counting my blessings, no time to weep

Wish I could have 8 daily hours of sleep

To dream and reminisce of all that'd been

For 9, I would wish nine hearts to touch

Ones to miss me when I do become dust

Finally, at risk of being ungrateful

I wish I could die joyful not hateful

Believing in these words of that very one

"Our love burns on even in death's cold fangs..Eternally"

Author's Note

What do you think..too muchy?

Reviews

[Armanis]

I think, that this requires a lot of work. I can see exactly what it is you were trying to do, and I feel as if this needs to be broken up into stanzas, each stanzas representing each individual wish with a meter that would most likely compliment it in such a way that would make much more sense. Furthermore, I understand you were trying to do a rhyme scheme, and you fell off the wagon a little bit. I recommend trying ABA BCB CDC DCD EDE EFF.
Also, I see some quotations in the poem. I am going to suggest you get rid of these. As a reader, any sign of a quotation, literary means that someone is speaking, or someone is speaking and referring to something that someone said earlier on. Since this is the first time it came up, clearly it wouldn't be the first.
Academically speaking, if you were using quotations it refers to a particular thing that a source is saying and definately wouldn't be appropriate here.
Another commonly used, and incorrect usage at that, for the quotations is when someone is trying to make a reader pay close attention to something. That should never be the case with quotations. This principle which I think you are using, that is trying to draw our attention as readers, should be done with Italics, not quotations.
I have thus written my suggestions of this piece, and then read some of the other suggestions, and the one I see below suggests that you don't drastically alter the piece. I STRONGLY disagree. This still needs work, which I have provided suggestions for you to work from.
I know you can do this, I know you can do better. This has the potential to be something on the book shelf, but first these things need to be revised before it is ready to hit the printer.

[Corset]

Since you already have tons of advice, I'd just like to say I enjoyed the counting scheme and reminds me of "The 12 days of Christmas theme" It was fun to read and If I were to make such a wish list I'd be hard pressed to find one better!

[Krizito]

well, it never hurt to give it a try
thanks for taking the tine

[Corset]

I find your tags very interesting as well and "Next I wish for that imperfect '5 and 6'"

[Zyle Christian William ..]

I really like this. Also, sorry it took me so long to reply. I was gone for a while and still sort of am, but I saw your read request and got excited at the familiar screen name...anyway about the poem...

I like the numbers that build up as you go. its very subtle at first and by the time you recognize it, you really can enjoy where it is going and the anticipation for what number will come next is also nice. I think this is good. I wouldn't say too much, though I will say the end (last line) didn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece.

[sansrity sinha]

Impressive!! cleaver use of numbers
loved it!!

[Raylene]

Very impressive I have not reviewed your work yet I already love it I like the unique way you incorporate numbers into it you have a way of combining them so that it's just not like a list like I have seen and a very great poems sad yet hopeful vibe for it I put great work

[hellfolia]

nope not too 'muchy', we all need some of that sometimes, talks about a few big issues, nicely done :)

[Wolf_Lord]

Interesting use of the numbers in this poem. You did a fine job putting them together without breaking the rhythm. I agree with stefano on the 5-6 though... if you are referencing slang, make a note in the authors notes. And no, it is not too muchy, Lol. I like the way the character does not make the wishes for riches or power, but just the company of others whom relate to them. Well done. Wolf_Lord ,'', ^@@^ ,'',

[Balkaran Sidhu]

Nice tone to it...I like the way you point out things here...Well penned

[Stefano Segnan]

NOTE: apply my suggestions for the next poem you write, do not change drastically this one.

The idea is really interesting and ingenious and the evolution of the idea/story is quite neat. I was also puzzled with that 5' and 6' and in another comment, you replied it is a slang. Now, the problem with slang is that it's mostly local. If you are aiming your poems for a broader population of readers, I would advise against the use of slang, or at least specify it with a note. Without reading your response to barleygirl, I would have made her same comment probably.
Secondly, while the idea is excellently conceived, I think you would have achieved much more if you developed the rhythm more, or at least uniformed it. For example, there is rhyme from time to time (***ate/***ate, weep/sleep, enough/tough and so on) but it's mostly absent throughout the poem. Personally, I would either use it, or not use it at all. Since there is also almost lack of punctuation, I would leave rhyme out and focus on other rhythmic elements. Next time, try adding a parachesis (repetition of the same sound in a line) or another element that suits you or you find interesting.
Also, these suggestions are only if you do not intend on writing free verse. If your intention is the latter, I really do not have suggestions at all because I do not know how free verse works...

[Krizito]

Thanks for the advice...I definitely will put it to practice:)

[Ruth]

I like the counting here, cleverly thought out :) A list to ponder through, much enjoyed :)

[Krizito]

Thank you Poppy Ruth. I'm really glad you think much of this