A Conference Call With Myself

A way for a young man like me to cope.

Characters

Past and Present versions of Myself:

The current depressed, nervous, reflective Me, or K1, in green.

Happy, excited, optimistic Me, or, K2, in pink.

The furious yet pessimistic anxious, impulsive Me, or K3, in orange.

The Me yet to come, or The Judge, K4, in blue.

Four versions of the same man surround a wooden circular desk, each with a similar expression, and only one defining feature: The colour of their clothing. No man seems eager to be in the situation, nor are they excited to speak. A deep reflection falls upon them all: A love for a person who did not reciprocate the feeling; instead the other only felt lust. All men blame themselves. K1 begins to speak.

K1: Well, I suppose I am to start with this: None of us are perfect. However, this is excessive.

K2: Who do we blame?

K3: You, me.

K4: All of you.

K3: That's ridiculous. I am a voice of reason.

K1: And I'm the pope.

K4: Enough. It is not. Neither of you are such. One at a time. Please, allow us to recap. 

K2: It started very smoothly. He found me in a group chat. It felt like he grabbed my hand. He liked me, I knew it. It felt so natural, from him, and from me. It lead and it lead. Soon enough, we said three words. 

K3: Imbecile. 

K4: Enough. Group chat? What do you mean?

K2: Over the internet.

K4: Where can he be found?

**Short Silence**

K2: Texas. 

K3: Texas?

K1: Texas. 

K3: That isn't even the same country. You haven't met him. You will never meet him.

K4: Enough of that. 

K1: I hate to say, but it is the truth.

K4: Enough. What else?

K2: He lives in Texas. He texted me instantly and instantly we were into each other. I was getting over the moon excited. I've never felt an instant connection. I've never felt wanted so genuinely, quickly.

K3: Imbecile!

K2: You don't understand!

K1: You don't understand. It is my disorder. My inability to understand social interaction. There has not been a day in my life where I questioned, I second guess. I ask myself 'do my parents love me?' ' Will my friends today be friends tomorrow?' 'Will my teachers want me to be successful?' It's hard. It's so hard. It is hard to feel wanted. Even with overriding evidence that I am wanted, I second guess because I can not be sure. Do they only say so because they pity me?

K4: That is why you make friends on the internet?

K3: In Texas. 

K1: Yes. Friends in Texas. Is it truly pathetic? More pathetic than struggling to believe any relationship is real? More pathetic than feeling I would physically not be wanted?

K3: So, it's about appearance. 

K1: It is part. People on the internet are easy to dispose of. If they don't like it, they don't have to look. They'll tell you if they find you disgusting. In the real society, no one does so. We are all too awkward and fearful of being crude. On the internet, it's clear.

K3: Grow some balls.

K4: Enough. What comes next?

K2: We kept joking and loving. We had fun. We were going good, when he mentioned a name. A crush he has had for months. Kieran.

K4: Kieran.

K2: Kieran. I broke down. 

K1: I broke down.

K3: And I stepped up. I made you realize your time was up, K2. I made you realize you're second best. You realize now that you are tasting the bitter, dreadful taste of reality. He was so beautiful, that Texan. What was the way you described him? Sweet as pie? Face firm like a statue? His hair is the colour of chestnuts, probably smelled that way, too. You think you had a chance?

K1: Don't assume not.

K3: Don't assume so. Face it, you are all second best. I've never met Kieran, but you - you can't be as good as that. You have the face of dirt with a shoe print. That is better than Kieran?

K1: Don't assume not!

K3: Assume reality! It makes an a*s of u and me. I'm not afraid of that. You're not competitive. You have not won a single thing in your life. You think you'll start with love at first sight?

K1: Love at first sight. Yes. With a Texan.

K3: With a Texan. 

K4: How do you react? How does he respond?

K3: He was paralyzed. You showed your real self, K1, you showed me. You are not a cocky, confident, tickled-pink guy. You are me.

K1: I'm me.

K3: I'm you. I came in, and I ripped you to shreds. I spammed and spammed, talked and talked until I finally gave up, inevitably gave up. I went, I went. Went and went.

K2: I tried coming back.

K3: He tried coming back.

K2: I tried coming back to have fun and be happy again.

K3: But you don't paint over true colours. You were miserable and desolate. I was still in charge. You, K1, are a solitude. You never think, you feel. Your problem is you feel before you decide to think. Who wants to sit and discuss their feelings? What kind of a jerk comes in and finds this boy with an insatiable, long-term crush on a boy named Kieran, and attempts to sweep him off his feet by talking about his feelings?

K2: He was happy.

K1: He was happy. He wanted me.

K4: Did it change?

**no answer**

Did that change?

K3: It changed because I made it change. I was myself.

K2: The next day, we were strangers. He responded in short, lazy phrases. While=

K1: While I poured my heart out.

K3: Poured your heart out? Pathetic.

K4: Order.

K3: Does not exist.

K4: You tore your heart out?

K1: I expressed my feelings. I expressed my emotions. 

K3: Feelings! Emotion!

K1: I am sensitive.

K2: I felt unwanted. It was a complete reversal of the night before. I felt like I never met him.

K3: You're supposed to be happy?

K1: It is the truth. It was a polarization. I was ignored. He did not acknowledge a thing. He watched as I tore myself apart. He watched without a word. What he said the night before - I could trust him. I did. I was invested, addicted. I was his best friend. He said 'I love you'.

K4: Did anything happen?

K2: He began to talk again.

K4: Did he assuage anything?

K1: The opposite. He continues to answer in the short chunks. He sounded aggravated. His voice was filled with annoyance instead of honey. 

K3: How did you hear voice over the internet?

K1: I did not. I read what he said... It was a tone of annoyanc. The night before... It was excitement. 

K2: I tried to help. I tried to be myself. I wanted to be funny and I wanted him to forgive me.

K4: Would forgiveness not come naturally?

**Considerable silence**

K1: I'm not sure. I felt the relationship fall apart in my hands, the space between my fingers were like shredders. I didn't understand what was happening - why.

K3: He wanted you to be fun and happy. 

K2: I was powerless.

K3: I was powerful. But I couldn't provide happiness. I couldn't provide what he wanted. 

K4: Did you feel wanted?

K1: The opposite.

K3: I told you to give up.

K2: I told you to keep trying.

K3: He stopped responding. Being screwed up as I am, I kept going. I said more and more. I ripped you b******s to ribbons. 

K4: When he came back?

K1: We were strangers.