Kingdom of Forever by Kristen Rohde

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” - Leo Tolstoy

After today, Arielle felt like she could be an expert in sadness. She could tear it apart, strip by strip, and dissect its innermost core. She could allow her heart to mould around it until there was nothing left to separate her from its darkness. It was the enemy that buried down into even those hidden corners of a person’s soul and nibble away; it didn’t gnaw, as to startle or frighten anyone, but it nibbled so that the ache would linger and reveal enough of itself to be constantly present.

            Arielle hated that sadness, that ache. She’d felt it too often in her life before and now it was back.

            Her knees were cladded with dirt when she stood up but she didn’t take the liberty of brushing it away. Her limbs felt external from her being as her eyes locked on the marble stone before her. She either couldn’t, or didn’t want to move, as of yet she hadn’t decided. Either that or she just hadn’t the courage to leave. If she did, it would be over. She’d walk away and the memories, the presence, the feeling of closeness would seep beneath the earth and she’d never be able to retrieve it. If she walked away now, she’d forget.

            Arielle wasn’t ready to forget.

            Another hour past, or so she believed, as shadows were beginning to grow long and heavy. Maybe the sun was ready to let go of his presence, but Arielle wasn’t. She scooped her skirt beneath her as she relinquished herself back to the ground. Pieces of herself still needed to be bound together with everything that still remained there, so until all of her was ready to move, she vowed to stay put.

            As the sun bid the world goodnight, and as the crickets claimed the sounds of the dark, Arielle let one tear after another slowly disentangle itself from her sorrow and meet the earth that housed an infinite array of lost dreams. Now it had claimed another; a man Arielle thought would be with her forever. A man she called her daddy.  

 

*

 

            ‘I’m so sorry to trouble you, Officer. She’s been all over the place. We both have.’

            I could hear Mum talking to the police from where I’d been commanded to sit until bedtime. When I walked through the door, Mum’s face had been frosty white and she almost smothered me in a hug before holding me steady in front of her with a gorilla-grip. She kept saying, ‘Not you too. Not you too.’ She’d been shaking horribly which may’ve correlated with her frosty white face, but either way I seemed to have stirred up some panic. I didn’t understand though. Where else would I be?

            I felt like I was in one of those police holding cells, ready to be interrogated, as Mum hovered around the room silently with her hands behind her back and her gaze flitting over me with every few steps. I did what I thought was right behaviour and smoothed out my dress, crossed my hands and placed them in my lap. I was so tense and only realised this when I felt exhausted from just sitting still. What had I done wrong? Maybe it was illegal to loiter around a person’s grave after they’d just been buried. Maybe they didn’t keep people in graves forever and that’s why there’s so much room for everyone to be buried.

            ‘Don’t you dare do that to me again.’ Mum suddenly halted right in front of me and clasped her hands on my knees, another gorilla-grip. ‘Do you hear me?’

            I nodded.

            Mum’s hands cupped my face and I looked into her eyes as they sparkled with fresh tears. ‘You just disappeared. Just like your dad… you were there and then you were gone.’

            Then I realised. I’d left the wake to go back to Dad’s grave. I’d read somewhere that a person’s spirit never leaves if someone they love remains in its presence. After they buried him I promised to return, leaving our dog Salinger tied up nearby because I knew how much he’d loved him. After begging Mum to bring him, I don’t think she even realised I’d left him there. She was too busy burying herself in people’s big black coats. I wanted to stay there forever. I’d even thought about bringing out a sleeping bag, maybe even convincing Mum to build a house right beside his grave. But she wouldn’t understand. So I knew I had to let him go.

            ‘I miss him too.’ Mum pulled herself up onto the couch beside me. ‘But you can’t scare me like that. You just can’t, Arielle.’

            I let myself dissolve into her embrace as her tears wet my hair.

            My heart began to ache again as I thought about something Dad told me a mere two days ago.

As he sat up with me that night, I was resting my head on his shoulder feeling my eyelids get heavy, and he whispered so gently in my ear, ‘My princess, remember this and hold onto it: “Clothe yourself with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.”’

I remember pulling back in defeat, ‘Don’t you think I’m beautiful?’

‘Ari…’ His eyes told me so much more than words ever could. His love for me ran deep and he swept the hair from my eyes. ‘You’re more beautiful than the most magical sunrise. But your heart is where real beauty is stored. Treasure what’s inside.’

That was funny to hear, as everything I’d learned rang a different tune. Why was it, then, that at school Monique, who had the silkiest blonde hair and a glowing symmetric face, was the one who got the most attention? Why was it that Mum always spent an hour making sure she looked good enough to walk out to the mailbox? Maybe it had something to do with that big old battered book he always carried around.

Sitting in Mum’s warm embrace, I suddenly felt deep in my heart to find it. Maybe then I’d understand what he meant.

When I pressed harder against Mum, she tightened her arms around me. Another memory of Dad sprang to mind, something silly like tackling him in the backyard, and I suddenly realised she smelt like him.

I took in a deep breath and knew. She was harbouring his scent.