Chapter Six - Natalie

“I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.” - Audrey Hepburn

It was such a poisonous thing to do, really. It was too hard to give up the habit though even though Natalie knew it might've been wiping off perhaps five, eight, twelve years from her life. She never resigned herself to the fact that it was a lazy practice. She justified it every time she stuck one of those mushy instant meals into the microwave.

            Work's too busy. I'm too tired. I'll cook tomorrow. Produce is too expensive. Fruit and veg is never sold fresh anyway. My microwave might feel rejected.

            She felt better after every excuse and tried to ignore her pasty features and dark circles under her eyes. She'd take some multivitamins. It was fine. It was just food.

She flopped onto her couch totally beat with the tar-coloured tray filled with some form of rice dish. The packet said risotto, but it appeared more like her cat's dinner. She had peered over at her cat's tinned dinner one too many times thinking how appetising it looked leading her to lose faith in her ability to justify microwave meals any longer.

She would start cooking. Tomorrow. It would begin with a list, then shopping, then cooking. Surely it couldn't be too hard. People did it all the time.

Tomorrow though.

She devoured the unsatisfactory contents in her lap and then sighed as she pushed it onto her coffee table.

She felt weighed down and her muscles were screaming at her to just remain still. She hadn't exerted herself in so long. Workouts had become a thing of the past once she'd started working and sometimes it was hard to even move.

The feeling was overpowering so she kicked her feet up onto the couch and lay her head down. She flicked on the TV. The pictures and lights and sounds flashed before her eyes but it was all just white noise. Her eyes stared but her mind was not in tune. She was dwelling on her day at work. Whenever she thought about Sasha's fit and Sonja seeing how pathetic she was, Natalie's stomach just churned. She was like a puppet in that place; the one who couldn't speak for herself so allowed herself to be trodden over time and time again. She had so much power over Sonja but she couldn't let it come out. She just couldn't find the energy to toughen up.

There she lay. Her body was just a mass of skin and bones and tissue with some blood and veins and a heart working hard to keep things in motion. She had all these bits and pieces but for what purpose? All these inanimate things made up a person but nobody cared about that; everyone was the same. People were just a bunch of organs with a round thing perched on top of two shoulders with eyes that saw pictures and a brain that constantly fed information and instructions to the limbs. It was hard to justify being anyone when everyone was really just the same thing.

Suddenly there was a click at the front door and footsteps began down the corridor. Natalie lived alone but didn't flinch when she heard the intruder; she knew who it was.

'Surprise, surprise.' A male voice jeered when he came into view. 'What is it this time? Muscular dystrophy?'

'Shut up, Jeremy.' Natalie threw a cushion at him and rolled over. She wanted to cover up the pain she was feeling. She didn't even know why she felt it; it just seemed silly to be so wrapped up in oneself. But whatever it was, it was eating away at her.

'You need to stop eating this crap. No wonder you're always so tired.' Jeremy picked up the plastic tray where the remnants of Natalie's meal were smeared and unhealthy. 'Geez, girl. Would it kill you to a cook a bit of steak and veg?'

Natalie wanted him to leave. She wanted him gone. She wanted to be alone. She felt sick enough without having to endure a lecture and try and justify herself. She already knew her life was a ball of misery; she didn't need anyone telling her so.

'At least come over and I'll cook you something. You don't need to be cooped up in this dank little box all the time.'

Natalie could hear Jeremy organising bits and pieces in the kitchen. He was rinsing things out and packing things away but she didn't want that. She didn't need someone looking after her. Why wouldn't he just get the message?

'Come out for a bit, Nat.' Jeremy was soon at her side, his shadow enveloping her entire miserable being. 'Come on. It'll do you a world of good. There's no use sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.'

'Excuse me.' Natalie thrust herself into an upright position. Her hair hung in loose strands by her shoulders and she just knew she looked a sight. 'Who gave you the right to decipher me? Give me a break, would you?'

A small smile tugged at the corners of Jeremy's lips and he knelt down close beside her. 'All I wanted was for you to sit up.'

Natalie pursed her lips. 'Well, congratulations.' She couldn't stay mad at Jeremy for long. He was there for life. They'd remained inseparable since children, they knew each other inside out, and Natalie valued him above everyone else. He was attractive, sure, but to Natalie he was all personality. He was all character. He had such warmth and honesty about him. Girls dreamed of having a partner like Jeremy but he was Natalie's best friend; he was like a brother to her. He invested so much of himself in her that Natalie felt she could never properly repay him. He was almost like an extra limb, one of those parts of you that is consistently there and functional.

'Now tell me.'

'Tell you what?' Natalie didn't want to talk. She knew that when she started talking she couldn't stop and she'd vowed to herself not to involve Jeremy so much. He wasn't a girlfriend that she could blabber all over. Guys weren't wired to deal with too much of that stuff; it was probably damaging to their masculinity.

'Tell me what's going on.'

Natalie sighed. 'It doesn't matter, Jem. I kind of want to be alone.'

'Nobody wants to be alone.'

Natalie's eyes stung. She just wanted someone to hold her. She wanted someone to take away the sick feeling she carried around every day. She wanted people to notice her and appreciate her. The world was so scary and Natalie didn't feel strong enough to endure it. She was too caught up in who she thought people wanted her to be. Being herself just wasn't enough.

People wanted things all the time, but nobody ever really got what they wanted.

'You let the little things get to you.'

'I have no choice but to let them get to me.' Natalie's eyebrows furrowed. 'What else can you do when the little things come at you? People try and ignore them until they build up so much that the weight of them eventually crushes them. If I let them get to me, I can keep going.'

'It doesn't have to be like that.'

'Of course it doesn't, but that's how it is. It's life. Some people appear happy and content with life but there's always some demon right there within them that crushes them in the end.'

'Now you're just being ridiculous...' Jeremy let his weight fall back onto his heels.

'Am I? Tell me it's not like that and I'll stop.'

Jeremy considered it for a moment. His eyes searched Natalie's for something but she wouldn't let him in. He was so worried she was having a meltdown.

He pulled himself onto the couch beside her and let his arms fall around her. After a moment Natalie let her body fall into his and she surrendered herself to his embrace. Perhaps it truly was like that. Maybe Jeremy was holding back because it was actually like that.

It didn't matter. Her mind had had enough of the misery and Natalie allowed herself to just be still with her best friend's arms around her. Maybe tomorrow Sonja would be kind to her. Maybe tomorrow Mac would take a second glance. Maybe tomorrow she would feel a little differently.