6-An Endless Journey

True emotions unfold for Ashley and Alex.

Ashley sat quietly at the kitchen counter allowing herself to be comforted by a late morning cup of coffee. As she took the last few sweet sips of consolation, she carefully studied Alex at his desk near the window. He had been sweating blood for some time on a new writing project that was supposed to be completely different from anything he had ever done before. She could tell that he’d been having a difficult time by the way his forehead wrinkled as he massaged his temples and shook his right leg almost uncontrollably. She wondered if his mental block had anything to do with his lifelong streak of restless nights. 

She left her empty cup on the counter , approached him slowly from behind and mischievously fondled the special spot on his shoulder that made his entire body spasm and twitch whenever she touched it. He jumped as soon as her fingers made contact with his bare skin and turned around to expose a slight frown which reshaped itself into a smile when he saw her standing behind him. “Why are you so annoying?” he asked teasingly.

“Come on, let’s go for a walk. You look terrible,” she said, noticing his sudden change of expression at her words.

“I wish I could…but I’m behind schedule and having some trouble with the antagonist. Can we do it later?” he replied, not even taking the time to consider that maybe if he got some downtime, his bones might stop shaking inside him.

“Wow, so your villain is too important to take thirty minutes, if so much, to go for a short walk with me? I’m losing my mind just sitting here alone with you and your silence on the other side of the room.” He remained silent, still frazzled from his futile writing session, and trying to find the right words to let her down without actually letting her down. She clenched her jaw and rolled her eyes in attempt to channel her anger and refrain from punching his face off. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t bother Alex, I’ll go for my walk like I do everything else; alone,” she said, not trying to conceal her disdain, before storming out. Alex remained seated, dumbfounded by her overreaction and trying to figure out which switch had flipped inside of her. She knew how much his writing meant to him.

She exited their home onto the beach and began walking the shoreline. She was so upset. She couldn’t even enjoy her little stroll because she was way too angry at him, and this only made her more angry. Was it not obvious to him that they were falling through the cracks of their own lives? It should have been, as they’d been arguing for far too long about the same things. She tried taking her mind off of him by turning her attention to the waves as they crashed a few metres away. They seemed to reflect her anger and she watched as their last remnants sailed the drenched sand all the way to her bare feet. Unfortunately, this did not soothe her state of mind, nor did the caring winds that had baptized her with such a sincere calm just the day before. She continued along the path of salty white lace that was left behind by the water, trying to get as far away as possible. With the house almost out of sight, she took a seat on a massive, weathered log that had washed ashore at the devastating hands of the small hurricane that had plundered the beach just two weeks before.

Still, she found it impossible to clear her thoughts enough to relish  the view and the ambiance. How could she? After all, Alex knew just how great was her need for his time and attention. She knew it might have seemed selfish and like she was overreacting, but Alex knew what he was buying. After her parents, who had been ridiculous workaholics, died while on duty because of some freak accident that had claimed the lives of a few people when she was just seven years old, she was placed into  the foster system where she was merely another one of the many forsaken souls that were unfortunate enough to have been placed there. There, no one ever took any interest or bothered to grow even the smallest attachments, and because of the fact that the home was usuallly just a stepping stone for most children,  sentiment was a sin there. There were only those who pulled her into closets, among other places, and pleasured themselves with her fear behind closed doors. Those from whom she couldn’t escape because they held the authority. Those who eradicated her smile and forced her to wear an artificial one to hide the blood on her heels. 

Then, as if sent by God to break her perilous chain of thought, Jordan, who lived a little farther down the beach from where she was, called out from a distance. He approached slowly with his shy but attentive German-shepherd at his side. “You look lovely today,” said the single and attractive young man in a casual, yet assuring manner as he stopped a few feet away.

 “So does Lacey,”she said humorously as her eyes moved towards the dog. They shared a short laugh at the easy joke.

“She was looking a bit depressed this morning so I decided to take her for a long walk. You know, cheer her up a bit. It’s a bit strange seeing you this far down the beach alone. How come?” he asked.

“Well…”she paused to consider her words, “I was feeling a bit depressed this morning so I asked Alex to take me for a short walk. You know, cheer me up a bit, but he was really busy so here I am.” She enjoyed playing with people’s words.

“Looks like he changed his mind,” he said, pointing in the opposite direction from which he came. Ashley turned to see Alex jogging towards them in only a pair of trousers, just like she left him. “Well we’re off,” Jordan waved as he and Lacey continued on in Alex’s direction before exchanging a friendly wave with him.

Alex approached her cautiously as if tip-toeing around a cobra’s lair before slowly descending onto the log, but never taking his eyes off of her since passing Jordan. She remained quiet and seemingly unaware that he was there. With as much sincerity as he could muster, he said, “Look, I’m really sorry. This was actually a really good idea because for some time now I’ve wanted for us to talk. Not about anything in particular, but I just wanted to have a nice long conversation. I think it’s overdue.” Somehow, she honestly felt better. His very presence made all seem well again and she cursed herself for loving him that much, but she could finally enjoy the moment. However, she’d never let him know it. She would have loved nothing more than to hug him and tell him that she wasn’t as mad anymore, that she had forgiven him from the moment she saw him, but he’d never learn a lesson. Also, she feared that if she told him about the effect that he had on her, she’d only be handing him a weapon against her and she didn’t want to find out if he’d use it, even though she was pretty sure he wouldn’t. But there are many ways that someone can use your words against you, and she had experienced most of them in her short life. So instead she remained silent while staring out at the excited waves and wiggling her toes in the sand, smiling internally at the sensation of each grain as they softly massaged and exfoliated the surface of her skin, bowing her head only to stare absent-mindedly as they scrambled between each of her toes.

After a few eternal moments, Alex rose from his place and she tried not to acknowledge his movement. He walked around the log, grabbed her from behind and, holding her in a bear-hug, headed towards the water. “What the hell are you doing?” she yelled as she began trying in vain to shake herself free.

“Oh…nothing much.  I’m just gonna drown your sorry behind. See I’m sick and tired of you locking me out and getting mad all the time. So now I see no point in keeping you alive, especially if you’re not speaking to me.” He said the words with a playful smirk on his face, obviously joking in an attempt to win her smile back.

“I just asked you what the hell you were doing! So I was obviously speaking to you, you fool. Put me down you idiot!” she screamed before skilfully throwing a backwards kick and planting her heel into his manly region, forcing him down into knee-height water and landing on top of him. He pushed her off of himself and gasped for air as his head ascended from the water. She lost no time in grabbing him by the neck and pushing him back under as she raised a leg over his midsection and climbed onto him. However, he effortlessly overpowered her and resurfaced before seizing both of her little hands and holding them in one of his. He then slipped his hand under her top and slid his fingers up her back, which always sent the nerves beneath her skin into an absolute frenzy. 

“Okay Luv, you know I wasn’t actually going to drown you right?” he said with limited breath.

“Really? That’s so sweet, but I had every intention of killing you. Just so you know.” She smiled mockingly as the words dripped from her wet face. He looked so adorable all soaked and panting helplessly that she couldn’t stop herself from leaning forward and planting a firm, salty kiss onto his lips.

It must have been the saltwater that she’d swallowed when they had fallen because she had no previous contemplation over her next words and no idea what had taken over her tongue. She pulled her lips from his and after a short, pensive pause she said, “I can’t do this Alex. I can’t go on feeling like this. I’ll die if I do.” Alex froze at her very words. She had never let herself say even that much to him before. It had to mean that she was either growing weary of him, or that she was finally starting to break down the walls that had protected her from his waves of curiousity for so long. Either way, he was scared.

“Tell me how you feel,” was all he could think to say. She remained silent and he could easily see the walls going up again. “ How am I supposed to listen to you if you don’t say anything?” he prompted.

“I feel alone, Alex!” she blurted the words out way louder than she intended. I feel pointless, useless. All I’ve ever wanted was to matter to someone…anyone…you. I know how important your work is and I knew you’d never leave it. Even when I asked you to come with me, I knew. But you have no idea how desperately I wanted to know that you’d break your plans for me. Just the concept of being more important than something else seems wonderful but impossible to me. For as long as I can recall, no one has ever made me feel like I existed and if they did, it was in the worst of ways. I used to believe that I meant everything to you but I’m not so sure anymore. The smallest things that seem irrelivant to you can easily hurt me.” She uttered the words with a contagious aura of sadness surrounding her as the mirrors of her mind reflected only painful memories.

“Thank you…” he said, “…for sharing that with me. I’m really sorry for making you feel like this. I didn’t even know I was. But please understand that it’s not because of you. Alone is all I’ve ever been, I don’t know how to be anything else. I’ve tried very hard to change that but I can see that I’ve reverted back to it. That just means that I’ve got some work ahead of me, we both do, cause I don’t ever want you feeling this way again. I can see the pain in your eyes right now and it hurts me. Oh and in case I haven’t told you lately, never doubt that you are the one and only thing in my little universe that has ever mattered this much. But I tend to lose sight of that because I’ve grown so accustomed to you being the certainty of my life, but I won’t let that happen again.” She wasn’t quite sure what to make of it all, but she believed him. She’d never had any difficulty believing in him, which was probably because he’d never given her any reason not to. She just felt annoyed at the fact that he was able to melt away the cold cynicism that grew like wild, thorny vines around her heart. That was the bad part about being in love with a writer. He could undress her emotions with mere words.

She flashed a quick smile that contained a spark of excitement and anticipation as she knew that in the morning, she’d wake up to a wonderful paper present. Somehow, it felt great to have gotten some of the soulcrushing weight off of her chest. It lended a soothing release like that of an addictive drug and she strangely wanted more. She wanted so badly to tell him everything, just to prolong the trance-like feeling of being able to float atop the waves that crashed against their bodies. Knowing that he’d love her no matter what she said made it even easier, but she couldn’t. The truth was that she had been so emotionally broken, battered, bruised and beaten in her time that she had neither the strength nor the energy to let it all out. Not that Alex was even ready to have it all. It was obviously a matter that would take a lot of time, maybe her entire life. She began to consider whether she should tell him more as it finally dawned that she’d left him waiting in silence for quite a while, but she was so afraid. She was afraid that if she started talking about how the past had effected her, her mind would take her back there. And she did not want to go back there. So the easiest of options was to bury it all and dig it back up whenever she found the strength to face it. Just then, as if on cue, Alex’s voice penetrated her cascade of contemplation. “Well don’t stop there…I want to know more.”

Author's Note

Please give feedback. Opinions are appreciated as it can improve my writing skills.