Chapter 1

Abby's POV

Hi! My name's Abigail White. But everyone calls me Abby. I'm 16. According to my friends, I'm funny and smart. But I don't think I am. I have a lot of secrets that I've been hiding since as long as I can remember. I never have guts to tell my friends all of my secrets. I'm not ready yet... And I don't think I will ever be. 

I'm a sophomore. I've been bullied since I was still in primary school.. and no, it's not a secret. All of my friends know it. All of the name calling and all of the taunts... I'm just sick of all of it. When the bullies start to bully me or saying rude things to me, I just ignore them. Making jokes out of it like it never hurts me even for a second.. Well, that's a lie. It actually hurts me, a lot! I only pretend like it never bothers me so that I can hide it from my friends. I don't want them to know what I really feel inside.

I always think there are two me inside my body. The one who always smile, always laugh, pretend everything is okay, pretend nothing's wrong in her life. And the other one who always cry, blaming herself for everything that happen, the one who always feel small and frail, the one who is broken. When I'm outside, I'm Abby who always happy. But when I close the door, I'm Abby who is broken. 

"Hey Abby!" I turned around and see Lilly standing there. 

Lilly, she's my best friend. We've been best friends since middle school. She's such a sweet girl. 

"Hey, Lil!" I exclaimed, waving my hand to her. 

She walked up to me and I waited for her.

"Wanna hang out? Me, Jess, and some girls wondering if you could come. We're gonna hang out at the Ice Creamy later today," she said as soon as she stand beside me. 

"Umm.. Sorry, I can't today. Have something to do," I answered.

"Awhh too bad..  Well, if you change your mind, let me know," she smiled.

"Of course! Thanks Lil!" I said, looking at my watch "Well, I have to go now. See you later!"

"See you!" 

With that, I turn around and walk myself out of school to home. I actually have nothing to do today. I refused to hang out with them because I want to be alone. Something happened earlier today... I walk fast and darts up to my room upstairs as soon as I get home. I locked the door and slide down the wall.

Soon enough, tears brimming my eyes and stream down my cheeks. I sniffling for a moment. I force myself to stand and walk to the bathroom. I open a drawer and take out a razor out of it. I put the razor on my wrist and just slide it through my skin. I cut myself with it.

One cut.

For being worthless.

One cut.

For being a coward. 

One cut.

For being different.

One cut.

For dissapointing others.

One cut.

For pretending everything's fine.

I stop with 5 cuts. I breathe heavily and for a moment I just starring at my wrist, fresh blood coming out from the cuts I just made. I look at myself in the mirror. What I see is just a girl with scars in her wrist. Lots of scars. I try to control my breath. After I calm down, I place my wrist on the running water and I walk back to my room.

I take out my diary under my pillow. I always place it there. And then I start to write..

October 1st, 2014

Dear Diary,

Today I cut myself again. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't stop the urge to cut. Something bad happened at school today, which make me want to cut. When I walked through the halls, some girls talk to me... not directly.. But I knew they were talking about me.. they said "Such a loser. A fatty loser" and they laughed. That time my friends didn't there around me so I didn't have to pretend like those girls didn't talking about me, indirectly, or pretend I never heard it. I didn't have to make joke out of it either. I'm just glad I didn't have to because I'm just tired of it. I'm tired pretending everything's fine. I'm tired pretending I'm okay. Because I'M NOT! I'm not okay. 

I'm tired of my life. It's always seem that self harm is the only way out. It's just amazing how fake smiles and long sleeves can hide everything. Just one fake smile and they bought it, everyone thinks you're happy. It's just not how it is. It's wrong. So is self harm, I know... but I think it's the only way I can get through this without telling my friends or my family.

I don't want to tell them because I can't.. I don't want them to see me differently. I don't want to lose my friends after they know I cut.. I don't want another judgement, cause I have enough already... I don't know what to do....

I close my diary and just hold it while I curled in my bed. I let tears once again streaming down my face freely. I cried myself to sleep.