A HERO OF THE AGES

This is my shot at comedy. Sure was a riot at writing club.

A HERO OF THE AGES

“NHYEHEHEHEHE I have COME FROM THE SOLAR FIELDS to overtake THIS CASTLE! I will rule this world AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME.” The alien gobbling stormed the castle and swallowed the princess whole. He slugged his way to the king and queen, “IF YOU DARE DISOBEY ME I WILL DISSOLVE HER INTO MY GOO! 

NEARBY 

Conroy Murphy shot out of his bed jumping to his feet, “TROUBLE! WHERE ARE YOU!” He ran his way down the stairs and out into the streets. 

He looked around wildly, justice burning fiercely in his eyes, his muscles bulged with integrity. “I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH THE POWER OF MY RIGHTEOUSNESS” 

He stormed off, in the direction of the police station Arms pumping with vigor. Conroy Murphy didn't need a car. His fuel was his godlike virtue. 

The door to the station Burst opens. 

“Conroy… Please, those doors cost-”

“MY REVERENCE WILL PAY YOU BACK. I MUST DEFEND THE WEAK AND DESTROY THOSE THAT DISHONOR THE LAW!” Conroy grabs his Shield of Chivalry and runs back outside. 

He raises his hand, I SUMMON THE HELICOPTER OF HONOR. 

Down drops a ladder and off they fly to the castle and Conroy somehow knows where it is, even though he's never even heard of the town. 

NEAR THE CASTLE 

The king and queen stand outside the castle gates weeping into their hands for the loss of their kingdom and their daughter that is still chilling in the alien's goo.  

Off in the distance, they see a helicopter, they see a man fall from said helicopter and land in front of them. He resembled the gods dressed in clothes of blue and holding a shield at this side that was the size of a small horse. 

I HAVE COME TO YOUR AIDE 

The king and the queen fall to his feet OUR DAUGHTER, THIS ALIEN OVER TOOK OUR HOME AND HAS CAPTURED OUR DAUGHTER 

Steam puffs out of this holy mountains noes “TRESPASSING IS AGAINST THE LAW I WILL BRING HIM TO HIS NON-EXISTENCE KNEES AND MAKE HIM BEG LADY LIBERTY FOR FORGIVENESS” 

Conroy kicks the gates in with his JUDO KICK OF JUSTICE  

HE storms the castle to find it empty. COWARD! Conroy shouts. YOU CAN NOT HIDE FROM THE LAW. 

NYHEHEHEHEHE Came the laughter seemingly from everywhere 

YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME FOR I AM INVISIBLE WITH THE POWER OF THE GALAXY 

But what the Alien didn't know was that Conroy Murphy possessed the ultimate power! SAINT SNIFFER! It gave him the ability to smell out any non-saintly scoundrel! 

With his nose to the air and his cuffs in hand he ran through the castle following his SAINTLY SNIFFER. “I WILL FIND YOU ALIEN AND I WILL MAKE YOU WEEP YOUR FORGIVENESS AT MY FEET.” His voice boomed across the castle and spread throughout the land making criminals everywhere quiver in their boots. He ran down stair and scaled ladders, hurdled over maids and dove through parshley opened doors. The smell kepts getting stronger and so did Murphys WILL FOR JUSTICE.  

Conroy’s nose led him to what seemed to be a ballroom, the smell came from directly overhead. “THERE IS NO MORE TIME TO WASTE.” 

Murphy BENT HIS KNEES WITH THE POWER OF JUSTICE AND HE JUMPED WITH HIS FURIOUS FISTS OF FORTITUDE CRASHING THROUGH THE BRICK CEILING. 

Dust was flying, windows were shattering from the magnitude of his shining glory. “MAY THE LAW SHOW YOU NO MERCY” Conroy Murphy hollered. 

Conroy knew exactly where the slug was and with his GRIP OF GALLANTRY he grasped the fair maidens wrist and pulled her from the aliens nefarious goop. 

The Princess collapsed into the hero's chest, her legs week from fear. “Oh Sir Hero!” The lady gushed, “You have saved me from this wicked, evil pile of slop! Oh how brave and strong you are!” She placed a hand on his broad chest, “If I can repay you in any way I-” 

Conroy pushed the Princess aside, “NONSENSE!” He declared, “There is no repayment for doing what must be done. Evil must be stopped AND I CONROY MURPHY WILL CRUSH THEM AND SHOW THEM THE TRUE PATH OF VIRTUE.” He reached his hand out to the sky then sharply turned to the monster, now visible and furious. Murphy pulled his badge from his pocket and flashed it to the alien, “You will now choose to remain silent or confess your evil deeds and face your sentence. You have the right to a lawyer-”

“NYYEEEOOOOOOO” The alien screeched, “HOW COULD YOU HAVE FOUND ME, HOW!” The aliens gelatinous frame giggled with furry. He lashed out one of his galactic gooed tentacles aiming for Murphy's head, “NYYEEEAAHHH” The alien screamed when his tentacle was smacked to the side, the spot murphy hit burned with integrity. “IT BURNS OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL UNIVERSES IT BURNS” 

Conroy Murphy stomped forward, shaking the ground with every step. The alien coward away, “YOU CANT TAKE ME I AM THALSLAGARD OF MIRAN HEIR TO THE THRONE OF MOSEPECT! I AM ROYALTY!” 

“The law bends for no man, I will serve your justice sweetly.” Murphy continued reading his rights and with every word the aliens frame got smaller and smaller until he was nothing but a mere slug in the corner of the room. “YOU CAN DECIDE AT ANY TIME TO EXERCISE THESE RIGHT THAT HAVE BEEN GRANTED TO EVEN YOU, A GOOD FOR NOTHING MISCREANT. THERE IS NO NEED TO REMAIN SILENT OF THE DEEDS YOU HAVE WROUGHT FOR I HAVE WITNESSED THEM ALL AND YOU WILL STILL BE CONVICTED AND GROUND TO DUST IN LADY LIBERTY'S RIGHTEOUS FIRE.”

MOMMMAAA! Was the alien's last words before he blinked out of existence.

“OH NO!” The Maiden cried, “Where did he go?”  

Golden light steamed through the broken castle sealing and bathed Murphy as he stood and straightened his collar. His wide glorious shoulders, impeccably sharp eyes and… other things. Reminded the maiden of God and his picture would be painted on every pot, sewed into every garment. Conroy Murphy would be known across the lands as a hero of the ages. A God who walked the earth to bestow his righteous blessing.

Author's Note

Not really looking for advice on this one. Just meant to be enjoyed. Just silly stuff.

Reviews

[JayG]

Just a suggestion on something that worked well with my group Instead of reading your work at the club, have someone else read it, to hear what a reader will "hear" as they read. Like having the computer read the work to you, it's a handy, and powerful too.

It worked so well that we made it a rule in our group.