Unluckiest

 

God is such a game player.He is a great twister who gives each person a twist atleast once in everybody’s lifetime. Since he is bored of giving one twist in everybody’ s life, he thought to make a life filled with twist.And He made the heroine as me.From the birth,I am being used.All parents flies in the space if a baby is born to them.But my parents,how selfish they were, for they told why daughter for us?We don’t like her, we don’t want her in our life. Can mother also hate her girl to that extent?? Was it my mistake?Maybe they would have accepted me if I had born as a son.But who knows they didn’t like me or they hated a baby for them.But it was not my mistake either. When I opened my eyes joyously to see this wonderful world, all cursed me for being born.All threw me like a ball. Nobody liked me.Mom didn’t give milk when I was dying for hunger.Father did not even turn his head to see when an ant was biting me harder.Both paternal and maternal grandparents did not turn to give me care.love.affection.

I grew,solemnly,by knowing what is fall and rise,what is good and bad,what is meant by mother,parents.I never disliked my parents because they are good.They like everyone,talk sweetly with everybody,with our neighbours. they did not like me only.I always wanted them to show me only one..LOVE..I watch my schoolmates hugging their parents, mom kissing them,dad hugging them.Parents waiting half an hour for their babies.God gave me eyes only to see this, not to feel it.He gave me eyes to see it,ears to hear other parents calling their daughters my sweetheart. Heart to weep for, mind to scold and hate myself.

Questions kept on rising,growing like a giant day by day.Why were I born?What should I do in this un-known world?For whom should I live?I always keep my head low,face sad and ugly because my mom was not ready to comb my hair either.I learned to do my things myself when I was seven.just seven.That time I don’t know what is meant by lunch box,what is home work,what is happiness,what is tour,who is my bestie,who loves me more.Anything, anything..I did not know the reason why I am alive still.When you don’t know the reason why you’re standing in a place then why should you stand?? People normally quits when they have zero reason..but,how will I quit?? How will I end my life? I don’t know the way to die even.

All strangers show some pity on me but my dear,my mom and dad were not ready.I have not celebrated my birthday from my childhood.When my teacher asked when is my birthday,I re questioned her what is meant by birthday?Who celebrates it..I was into that extent..Then she hugged and told don’t worry dear your life will change.I was not able to understand why she told my life has to change.I am happy, right?Since I was used to in this lonely world I learned to be happy. Let me atleast be contented by what I have.Then, slowly I understood the reason behind her saying..One day when I was ten years old,bringing all my courage together I went to my dad.. Asked him, Pappa why are you not talking with me?? Did I do anything wrong.. Why you don’t laugh with me like you do with other’s?  You know what was his answer..

“Why are you talking with me.. How dare you talk with me.Who gave you this courage? If you repeat this I will kill you..” I was half broken by seeing his cruel, peak angered face.But he turned again to me and killed by his words saying “sorry you seem to think that I care for you?? No..That will never happen in this birth, just go away from me,I feel irritated.”

I was into pieces.How can he,my hero,talk like this to his daughter.Ain’t  I his daughter?For making me to hear this,he would have killed me..killed using knife,poison or even by cutting my neck.That would cause only less pain then his words.Instead he killed me by his words..How can God be so cruel in my life?Feel like He even disliked me.I was forced to join in hostel.But that was neither different to me.‘Cause my home is also an hostel.

Then God sent me person thinking that my life could be smooth for some days.When I was twenty-two,a person,thought my rescuer from this cruel world showed me what is care,what is love,life.For first time I smiled,laughed,laughed loudly.Saw me in mirror to see how I looked when I laugh,because I have never smiled even in my childhood days.We roamed happily.Months rolled off like a second.I had plenty of happy things to share.But had zero ear to hear it.So talked to moon about this.It was my first,closest friend ever since my childhood.I started talking with it daily telling everything.Didn’t hide anything from it,like I did with my guy.He became my friend,my lover,my life.

He obeyed to whatever I told,gave me whatever I asked.He used to hold my hands and say I am his life.He could never have a life without me.Like a baby loving chocolates blindly,madly I loved him.Like dogs go mad when it sees a bone,I lose myself when I see him coming towards me.He changed my life from a misery pit to the flower pot,to a beautiful smiling garden.He did things that would create a smile in my face.He introduced me as a better human to myself.He showed my nice,good path.He made me forget my hard big stones in my life.If I get a chocolate,I use to keep it safely and give him that evening.It feels more good seeing him eat that chocolate rather than me eating it. Whenever I fight with him,he was the one to go silently even if the mistake was mine.Years of suppression would create some dominance in me at times.He understands that and move holding my hand..Like roller- coaster comes back to it’s original place finally,I too came to my old cruel pitiful place.For many days he did not turn to me.Cuts my call,portrays he is ill but roams with his friends.He started moving away from me.Visiting many times in a day became once in a day,then twice in a week,thrice in three months.I longed for his love.I went mad on him and me.My heart badly searched for him.Wherever I turn felt like he was calling me.When I see someone coming towards me feel like he is running towards me to hug.But when I get clear vision, the face would be of some one. I become fooled and put my head down,walk weeping loudly in silence,mustering the courage I went to him to ask the reason for his silence.

His answer killed me for the second time.The same words that I have already heard.The words that would make me die.His answer was I never fell for you.I am not in any way responsible for your misunderstanding.I just talked with you as other’s do.Nothing much.“Sorry you seem to think that I care for you.I don’t.I was in my teen and in an eagerness to make girls come behind me I talked with you.I used you.You should have been cautious about your life.Anyway bye.I am moving..don’t stand here I will never turn. Go and search for some silent guys to come behind you like a dog.I am not that kind………….”

 

What a great words and sentences to hear.He poured sweet river on me,mixed with poison.He too would have killed me than saying this sentence.God why did you make me?Why did you give me life?You gave every relation who thinks me as an object.Don’t they know that even I am a human being who loves to be loved,to be cared,to laugh, to enjoy.God is really cruel in my life.very cruel.But this time I won’t gather my courage to ask him.What will I do if he too says You seem to think that I care..I care for you..But that isn’t……………………… 

Now, I prisoned myself. Waiting for death in a hope that atleast that it would tell you seem to think that I care for you..  and yes I do.. Come on baby let me take you. . . .

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[Kousika]

Waiting for your answerssss...