Meaning of the past

 I’ve been on the road since morning,

doing my job as a person who hands out advertising

to earn money at age six 

for my raging alcoholic father.

Heavenly Father has given me a beating heart,

just like with everyone else,

but other than that,

He didn’t give me anything else.

Someone with a tarnished soul like me,

who’s covered in scars after many beatings

No one would ever love me

I’ve been on the road since morning again today,

doing my advertising job, even when I have no desire for it.

Had I been loved more,

Would I have been able to become a person who could be kinder to others?

I’m unable to say out loud

that even though my soul has been tarnished,

and I’m covered with scars after many beatings

I still want to be loved.

The truth is, I already know;

even my father, whom I can’t bring myself to hate,

must have been like everyone else when he first came into this world

I had a very happy bittersweet dream.

In my dream, I was taking a stroll with father,

hand in hand.

When I looked, his face was lit up with smiles.

Upon waking up, I ended up crying

on my filthy bed.

It was a dream I shouldn’t have had,

for it’s something that can never come true 

That day was much worse than usual.

He must have lost in gambling again or caught mother cheating on him.

Piss drunk, my father was taking it out on me

If you say that even someone like me�"

with his soul dirtied,

and his body covered in scars, after many beatings-

must have come into this world for a reason…

If you say that even this kind of life,

where I’m beaten to a pulp every day

until I vomit blood and lie there unmoving,

must have some kind of meaning to it, then…

Aah, I can hear the sound of my bones breaking.

My consciousness is growing hazy.

But even then, I clenched my right hand into a tight fist.

Tired of the struggle, my father said:

“Just lie there and die,” and left.

If you say that even someone like me�"

with his soul dirtied,

and his body covered in scars, after many beatings-

must have come into this world for a reason…

Reviews

[John the Baptist]

This offering is painful to read, for it describes a life experience that is truly harrowing. The speaker recalls episodes from his past that seem enough to put a person in therapy for years, most centered around his alcoholic father, who takes out his frustrations on his child in a physical way. What is interesting is that the child doesn't completely condemn the father, realizing that he must have a reason for being the way he is. In a wonderful way, he is able to translate such understanding to his own situation, holding to the faith that despite his scarred past, he too must have come into this life for a reason. All must agree the speaker is a person of great insight to be able to come to such a conclusion in the face of such unrelenting sorrow. All must also cheer for him and hope he is able to stand firm in his faith until the clouds of misfortune part and he is able to realize the fulness of life. A very moving offering. Good work.

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you very much. It's actually about me. I grew up with a violent adopted father and sexually abusive mother. I was tortured and treated like crap every day along with my sister and brother.

[sette]

the experiences made you stronger and made you who you are now so start healing

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

I don't belive it made it made me strong

[sette]

you are now stronger than before

[DoormanDan]

That was a heart wrenching journey to read through. So sorry you went through that rough stuff, man. I know, sympathy doesn't really help make the pain endured any less insufferable, but take it for whatever it's worth. Your poetry always manages to take me on an emotional journey that not any other piece on this site has really taken me on before. Stay strong, man. Thanks for sharing this.

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you very much for your kind comment.

[Nisha M.]

This truly broke my heart. I'm truly sorry to hear this has happened to you. Thank you for sharing this. Another wonderful heart-wrenching writing.

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you for your kind works!

[Crowley]

“I’m unable to say out loud” this is a very strong thought maybe the best in poem, it portrays the dichotomy of what we think of ourselves versus who we or others may think we are or what our circumstances make us. This is a sad and moving write, nice work.

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you very much for your kind words. c:

[Coyote Poetry]

A sad story written. Some people addicted to alcohol and drugs. They forget what is important. You will be tarnished. If we are lucky. A tarnish soul become better than their teachers. Thank you for sharing your powerful words and your thoughts.
Coyote

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

Thank you. I am glad you liked the powerful thoughts I wrote.

[Coyote Poetry]

I did enjoy and you are welcome.

[송지석 / Ji-Suk]

I am glad!