Stars

A monologue of thoughts

Depression...

For lack of a better word, it is the feeling of emptiness. It is so lonely, so painfully lonely. 

It hurts to love. It hurts to wake up. It hurts to move, to function like any other ordinary person. 

I wake up in the morning, only to want to fall back asleep. Only, I don't want to sleep. 

The nightmares I have haunt me even when I am awake. 

I don't want to exist anymore. This life seems pointless. I'm always thinking one step ahead. 

One step to death. 

If only I could end my pain without it being the start of another's. 

Perhaps I care too much about other people... Or maybe too little. 

I'm not sure anymore. 

Once, things used to seem so black and white, right and wrong, clear and opaque. Now, those once definite lines, seem only a blur to my fading eyes. 

Every day is like an enemy, sucking my life away. 

I am losing all feeling...

...numb. 

I feel so numb to pain. The razors against my arm don't even seem to stimulate feeling anymore. 

The emptiness hurts like the way hunger is being empty but in pain.

 My life is empty and in pain.

I want purpose. 

I want meaning. 

I want something, anything to be passionately breathing for. 

A songbird is not one without a song.

What is my song?

Stay alive.

That's all I can manage. 

A disappointment to family.

A stranger to friends.

A lost child with lost dreams, waiting to all be found.

I look up at the stars; I wish to reach out and touch one. I stretch my arms out only to be violated by the reality that my feet are still attached to the ground. 

I was told that I could do anything I put my mind to. Only for that to be contradicted, and I was told to not reach so far. 

Chasing passions?

Chasing dreams?

I was told to get my head out of the clouds for fear I might have gotten lost in the sky.

I rather of traveled the clouds than to be stuck merely chasing the expectations of others on this cold, desolate ground.

Even if I run after my desires, there is a world full of doubt, fear, and insecurities holding me back.

I don't even know where to begin. What to start. I know the moment I pick myself up, will be the moment that depression kicks me in the gut and tells me, "Not today."

I keep thinking things will change, that I'll finally get to the good part. 

The climax of the novel. The peak of the mountain. The chorus of the song. The depths of the ocean.

I am alone. I am a hopeless romantic. 

Hopelessly alone. 

But nothing changes. 

I am still standing here: my feet on the cold, icy pavement, staring up at the stars, the stars that aren't even there anymore.

I keep wanting someone to save me.

Only I can save me.

I know that.

But "I don't know" is all I can manage to say.

I keep longing for a hero because I know there is not one hidden underneath my thin, delicate skin.

Speaking of thin. I have become so thin, but not thin enough. 

I look in the mirror and I see my imperfections. I see my hollow eyes staring back at me, and I turn the mirrors away in disgust. 

I cover my imperfections with makeup. 

I skip two out of the three meals in a day in hopes that the number on the scale will finally reach 110 lbs... Then 100 lbs... Then 90 lbs...

I am so hungry. Hungry for food, for life, for meaning, for purpose, for my song. 

I am so thirsty. Thirsty for friends, for connection, for community, for love. 

How foolish am I?

I think people care, only to be forgotten and abandoned. 

If I get the slightest bit of attention, my bleeding heart opens up and pours out onto this dark asphalt. 

I only make myself more susceptible to pain and heartache.

But my heart still bleeds regardless of who or what I confide in. 

My eyes still admire the stars.

My scarred arms still reach up.

My soul still searches.

I still have hope, that there could possibly be a person inside strong enough to fight my own thoughts and demons.

Is all lost? Or is there still more to come?

The light at the end of the tunnel is dim, but it's still there.

I still have hope...

...hope.

Author's Note

I know my writing is pretty dark, but it's also meant to be deeper and a more personal piece, however, it is open to criticism. I really want to know what readers think of my writing, so please do let me know how I'm doing. Thanks for reading

Reviews

[Cole Thomas]

This is a well thought out piece of raw emotion. I felt very connected when reading this. Stay writing. The description is perfect. "A monologue of thoughts".

[KokoaKatt]

Thank you, I really do appreciate it. I tend to use my emotions for inspiration. I think it makes it more relatable to others, too.

[Pooja Chintamani]

The controversies u used opaque and clear next that thinking about people or little. Realistic managed. Wonderful when u go through here and letting hope shine in dark. Ended poem fantastic

[KokoaKatt]

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really do appreciate it. You are right, I juxtaposition a lot of my phrases because often times I do have those controversial feelings when I get down, depressed or anxious. But thank you :) it means a lot