Unreliable Narrator

A Stage Play by Kira S

A detective and a noir narrator clash as the former tries to do his job and the latter tries to tell a good story.

SCENE ONE

The scene opens with dim lighting on a sparsely decorated office. There's a desk, a fan, and a couple of chairs. JACK sits at the desk, hat pulled down, as low jazz plays over the sound of pouring rain.

NARRATOR

The rain was coming down like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at once. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, you guessed it, it was a Tuesday. The name's Magnum, Jack Magnum, at least that's what it says on the birth certificate. Today was just like any other Tuesday, except...

JACK

(Sighing) Can you stop that?

NARRATOR

Stop what?

JACK

The monologue. It's so distracting. I'm trying to take a nap.

NARRATOR

Okay, okay, let me try again. Ahem... It was rainin' cats and dogs, but not shorthairs and poodles. More like tigers and bloodhounds. The clouds spat 'em out faster than Joey spits tobacco, and that's already contestin' the speed of light. Jack Magnum's what it says on the door, and it's what it says on my birth certificate too. When I popped outta my momma, the doctor took one look at me and said, "He's been through this before, and he's not happy to be back." That about sums up my philosophy, but you're not here for that. You're here for tale of my downfall.

JACK

Wait, downfall?

NARRATOR

Trouble walked in on two spindly legs that went on for hours.

MEG walks in.

NARRATOR

She had a problem, but then, all dames do. It's like they're addicted to the stuff.

MEG

Pardon me, are you Jack Magnum, the private investigator?

JACK

That's me, doll.

MEG

Please help me. I've nowhere else to turn to. The police think I did it for the insurance money.

NARRATOR

The police think SHE did it... in most circles, that sets alarm bells ringing. Fortunately for this doll, I don't run in most circles. I run in a trapezoid.

JACK looks up at the ceiling, annoyed.

MEG

My name is Meg Cox, and my husband was murdered just last night. But I was home last night waiting for him to come home for dinner. My friend, Harriet Hawkes, was with me all night. She can confirm my alibi.

JACK

I'll look into it. You have any idea on who your husband's killer is?

MEG

There's one person I can think of... there's been someone following me and my husband for the last few weeks. I told the police, but they didn't believe me.

JACK

They never do. Ya got a picture of your husband?

MEG

Yes, right here.

MEG hands over a folder. JACK opens it and takes a look at a piece of paper inside.

NARRATOR

The poor fella wasn't bad looking. The dame had good taste in men. I wondered if she had good taste in liquor too.

JACK

Don't worry, doll, I'll catch this killer for ya.

MEG

Oh, thank you, Detective Magnum.

MEG exits.

NARRATOR

And just like that, she was in my pocket, along with forty-three cents, a flask of bourbon, and a spare bullet for my .36 Colt. Never know when you might need it.

JACK

Will you shut up?

NARRATOR

You don't have a choice, Magnum. I lead this story. You're just a player in my game.

JACK

Don't remind me.

NARRATOR

The first place I went was the apartment of this Harriet Hawkes. If anyone could verify Meg's alibi, that doll sure could.

JACK

I'm going to the crime scene.

NARRATOR

But I just said--

JACK

Crime. Scene.

NARRATOR

...Fine, Jack.

SCENE TWO

JACK slowly walks to the other side of the stage as the NARRATOR narrates.

NARRATOR

The scene in the alleyway was like nothing I'd ever witnessed. It was like all the blood in this poor schmuck's body took a speedy one-way ticket to the outside world.

JACK

You don't have to put it like that.

NARRATOR

Yes I do. It's kind of my reason for existence and all that.

JACK

Well, reasonably exist somewhere else. I have a job to do.

The NARRATOR continues as JACK kneels down to inspect the scene.

NARRATOR

If murder wasn't what killed this cat, I didn't know what was.

JACK

Thank you for stating the obvious.

NARRATOR

As I inspected the crime scene, I noticed something the coppers had overlooked.

JACK

I did?

NARRATOR

Lying by the wall of the alley was a button, caked with dirt and a splash of blood. It looked too simple for a dame's coat. Had to be for a fella's.

JACK

There it is. Thanks.

NARRATOR

It had to be a clue, and a vital one at that. But I wasn't going to let any more time waste away. I had to find Miss Hawkes before she skipped town.

JACK

You're hung up on this Hawkes woman, aren't you?

NARRATOR

As I stepped out of the alley, I noticed I had a shadow.

JACK

I have a what?

JACK turns about, looking for the shadow.

NARRATOR

There they were, clear as day. You'd have to be a fool to not notice them. They were as obvious as a black spot on a white paper.

JACK

Just tell me where they are.

NARRATOR

And just like that, they were gone, like smoke in the wind.

JACK

Great. Thanks. Thank you for being so helpful.

NARRATOR

But Lady Luck was with me, and she came running down the road in a pair of high heels and a mink coat.

HARRIET enters and almost runs into JACK.

HARRIET

Oh! Pardon me, sir, I wasn't watching where I was going.

NARRATOR

This new dame had eyes the size of dinner plates and a rear end that didn't know quittin' time was five in the afternoon. She had her fingers wrapped around a clutch that cost more than I made in a year. She stank of cold, hard cash, and I was addicted.

JACK

Sorry, madam, the fault is all mine. You wouldn't happen to be Miss Harriet Hawkes, would you?

HARRIET

Why, that's me, sir. And you are?

JACK

Jack Magnum, Private Eye. I'm working for Miss Meg Cox.

HARRIET

Oh! You're the one looking for Roger's killer?

JACK

That would be me, ma'am. In fact, I had some questions for you. Can you tell me where you were the night of the murder?

HARRIET

Oh, that's easy, Detective. I was with Meg all night. She was afraid and wanted some company before her husband came home.

JACK

Afraid? Afraid of who?

HARRIET

Why, Detective, don't you know? There's been a strange man following her and her husband for a few weeks now.

JACK

Yes, she mentioned that.

HARRIET

A few days ago, Meg received a letter in her mailbox detailing her activities the past few days and how the writer bought her perfume just to be surrounded by her scent, and how they could see into her window. It was enough to spook her something awful, so she asked me to stay with her until Roger came home. I was with her until the police arrived.

JACK

Do you think this mysterious stalker had anything to do with Roger's murder?

HARRIET

I think they have EVERYTHING to do with it, Detective. I would bet my life on it.

NARRATOR

A life, I knew, was a foolish thing to bet with. When you lost it, the devil snatched it up and dragged you to an eternal appointment with doom down below our feet.

JACK

Thank you, Miss Hawkes. You run along home now, and don't skip town until this whole business is dealt with, you hear?

HARRIET

Of course, Detective. Do be safe.

HARRIET exits.

NARRATOR

The dame was a sweetheart, alright, but I didn't trust her as far as those legs could carry her. Still, she'd given me info as good as gold. This stalker of Meg's just might've been the key to the whole case. I could catch the dirtbag in the act and be home in time for a cold slice of pie.

JACK

Why would I eat cold pie?

NARRATOR

It's a tough guy thing. You're a tough guy, aintcha?

JACK

I... guess?

NARRATOR

I had some time to kill before prime stalking hour, so I decided to slink over to my favorite hole in the wall, Dusty Jim's. Jim was a buddy of mine, always gave me a discount on whiskey, and it was on the house when I was working a case. I work a lot of cases.

JACK

Actually, I'm going to go over to Miss Cox's house now and stake it out.

NARRATOR

Don't you want whiskey?

JACK

No, drinking on the job is a bad idea. It'll impede my judgement.

NARRATOR

What kind of hard-boiled private eye are you?

JACK

Not the kind of private eye you want me to be.

SCENE THREE

JACK sits on the edge of the stage.

NARRATOR

So there I was, perched behind a bush, watching an apartment building in broad daylight, just like the stalker I was stalking. Except the difference was everyone could see me, because, again, it was broad daylight and stalkers aren't idiots. Guess I can't say the same for myself, though.

JACK

Don't get snarky because I'm not doing what you want.

NARRATOR

As I sat there, feeling cold nature seeping into my pants, it struck me that perhaps this was a big waste of time. What I wouldn't give to be sitting at Jim's with the boys and downing whiskey like a champ.

JACK

Not doing that.

NARRATOR

I came to the revelation that my entire life was a waste of time. Why bother doing this private eye shtick for much longer? It kept the lights on, but crime could do that more efficiently. And if I wasn't bagging criminals, nobody was.

JACK

Not doing that either. Wait, sh!

DENZEL enters, clutching a letter. He looks around nervously.

NARRATOR

(Slightly annoyed) To the complete surprise of everyone, including the narration, the scumbag decided to show himself. I'd caught him red-handed and sticky-fingered. All that was left to do was turn this chump into the police and collect my sweet reward.

JACK stands up and approaches DENZEL.

JACK

Hold it right there. What do you think you're doing?

DENZEL

What the--who are you!?

JACK

The name's Jack Magnum, and I have a few questions for you, buddy. What's your name?

DENZEL

Denzel. Denzel Hammer.

JACK

Well, Mr. Hammer, where were you two nights ago between 10 PM and 2 AM?

DENZEL

I was... I was asleep!

NARRATOR

Asleep? That lie was so white it made snow look muddy gray.

JACK

I don't think so. Where were you, really? Were you murdering Roger Cox?

DENZEL

What? Who's Roger Cox? I don't know any Roger Cox! You can't prove nothing!

JACK

Oh yeah? What's that in your hand right now? Give me that.

JACK swipes the letter out of DENZEL'S hand and opens it up.

DENZEL

Hey, that's private!

JACK

(Reading from the letter) My dearest Meg, your eyelashes are so long they're dusted by the angel's wings. Yesterday, I watched you as you got ready for the day. Your silk robe is a dusky pink, edged with gold, and every moment you patted that puff against your skin I wished it was me touching you... damn, you really are a sick b*****d.

DENZEL

Give it back! It's not for you to read!

JACK

Now I get it. You've been stalking Meg Cox, haven't you?

DENZEL

Don't you dare put my goddess's name in your mouth.

JACK

And you killed her husband so she would be with you, didn't you

DENZEL

No! I don't know what you're talking about!

NARRATOR

It was then I spied the buttons on his coat. They were fancy--too fancy. They weren't anything like the button that I'd found at the scene of the crime. Maybe this Denzel guy was telling the truth.

JACK

Are you kidding me?

DENZEL

What?

JACK

Never you mind. Listen, Hammer, I'm a busy guy with a lot of things on my mind, and trust me when I say you don't want to be one of them. So sit tight, keep your nose clean, and don't leave town until I say, got it? And stop leaving those creepy letters in those poor woman's mailbox.

DENZEL

You'll never separate me from my goddess! Meg! I'm coming for you!

DENZEL runs off the stage.

JACK

Christ.

NARRATOR

It was back to square one. I had no leads except a button, and no coat to stick it to.

JACK

Will you shut up? Why didn't you just tell me the guy was innocent in the first place?

NARRATOR

Because my job isn't to guide you, Jack. My job is to tell a compelling story. And I can't do that if you don't do what I say.

JACK

Screw what you say. A man is dead for your story and I'm going to find out who did it.

NARRATOR

It's whodunnit.

JACK

Whatever. I'm going to Jim's.

SCENE FOUR

JACK crosses the stage, where a table has been set up to look like a bar. JIM is there, cleaning a glass out with a cloth. JACK sits down at the bar and takes off his hat.

JIM

Whiskey as usual?

JACK

Yeah.

JIM

You on a case?

JACK

One that stinks like a rotten fish.

JIM

(Sympathetically) It's on the house.

JIM slides a glass of amber liquid towards JACK. JACK takes a swig of it.

JACK

I just don't get it. Why do I have to do all this running around? It'd be so much easier if I didn't have to jump through a dozen flaming hoops just to get the answer I'm looking for.

JIM

A mystery ain't always so clear-cut, is it?

JACK

But that's the point. Listen, Jim, I know this is gonna sound bonkers, but I know someone who ALWAYS knows how the story ends.

JIM

What?

JACK

But it's like I'm a pawn in their little game. They keep trying to shuttle me from point A to point B just for their sick enjoyment. They like to build me up, when I think I'm about to win, and then pull the rug out from under my feet. This whole story is just for their entertainment. But f**k THAT, you know? Someone is DEAD because they were bored.

JIM

Jack, you ain't makin' any sense.

JACK

I know. Thanks for listenin', though.

JACK takes a swig of his whiskey.

NARRATOR

Come on, Jack, do you really hate my story that much?

JACK

That's enough outta you.

JIM

Who are you talking to?

NARRATOR

All I'm trying to do is give you what you want.

JACK

You think this is what I want? Do you have any idea what I really want? I'll tell you. I want to live in the countryside. I want to get away from the city, and live in peace, and be as far away from YOU as possible.

JIM

Seriously, who are you talking to?

NARRATOR

Well, like it or not, you're the main character in my story. So fulfill your role and get to detectiving, Detective.

JACK

F**k you. I don't even know where to go now.

NARRATOR

Fine. If that's your complaint, then...

JIM

You're, you're just shouting at the ceiling. I don't understand.

JACK

Don't worry about it, Jim. Just hearing things is all.

MEG enters, sees JACK, and walks up to him.

MEG

Well, Detective, what are you doing here? Not drinking on the job, I hope.

JACK

Just taking a break, ma'am. Do you need something?

MEG

I ran into Harriet, and she said she'd met you. Tell me, did you find anything about that man following me?

JACK

I did. He's nothing more than a run-of-the-mill stalker, Mrs. Cox. He's a right creep, but I don't think he's the one that killed your husband.

MEG

Do you know who did?

JACK

I gotta confess, I'm fresh out of leads. You have any ideas?

MEG

Well, did you talk to Harriet? She was with me all evening.

JACK

...Ma'am, when did you call Harriet to come over?

MEG

Oh, it must've been about... seven thirty. Why?

JACK

Just wondering. Put it on my tab, Jim. I'll pay ya back someday.

JIM

You've been sayin' that for years, Jack.

JACK

I know, but it makes me feel a little better.

SCENE FIVE

JACK crosses to the other half of the stage and knocks on a door.

NARRATOR

I stood outside Harriet Hawkes' apartment as the rain poured down on my shoulders and splattered beneath my feat.

JACK

It's not raining.

NARRATOR

Give me a moment...

Rain sounds start.

NARRATOR

It is now.

JACK

Ugh.

NARRATOR

Anyway. The sky was pissing down on me, as though the city had turn into God's toilet. Perhaps it was a sign that I was chasing after the wrong mouse.

JACK

I'm talking to her whether you like it or not.

NARRATOR

What if I threw in some lightning?

JACK

ESPECIALLY if you throw in some lightning.

HARRIET enters.

HARRIET

Mr. Magnum? What do you want at this hour?

JACK

Ma'am--

NARRATOR

I knew I had to play my cards right. I had to dance around the subject like a ballroom dancer circles the floor. If I showed my hand, I would lose everything. I had to--

JACK

Did you kill Roger Cox?

NARRATOR

God d****t, Jack.

HARRIET

What? Of course not!

JACK

Can you give me an alibi of the time of death, then?

HARRIET

I was--I was with Meg all night.

JACK

Before that. Can you tell me where you were before that?

HARRIET

I--Do you suspect me?

JACK

I might. Answer the question.

HARRIET

I didn't kill anyone.

JACK studies HARRIET'S face closely. HARRIET takes a step back, and after another moment, slams the door in JACK'S face.

NARRATOR

What do you think, Jack?

JACK

I think she did something. But I don't think she killed him.

NARRATOR

Why?

JACK

Because I didn't see her coat. You always show me the damning piece of evidence at the last second.

NARRATOR

Oh, I see. I'm getting too predictable for you.

JACK

I've been in this game a long time. So yeah. You are.

NARRATOR

We'll see about that.

Blackout.

SCENE SIX

JACK

What's going on?

NARRATOR

The night ticked on by like one of them egg timers.

JACK

Now you're just getting lazy

NARRATOR

As I tossed and turned in my bed, I wondered what was really going on here. There were too many questions. Who killed Roger Cox? What was Harriet hiding? How did Denzel fit into all this? Did he even have a place at all? The questions hopped through my mind and distracted me from sheep, so it was tough to get some shut-eye. But even I couldn't predict what happened the next morning.

JACK

What are you talking about?

The lights go up. MEG is lying on the floor next to JACK, eyes glazed over. JACK jerks in surprise.

JACK

What the f**k!?

NARRATOR

The modus operandi was just like her hubby. All the blood in her body simply evacuated on the spot. It was everywhere. The walls, the ceiling, the floor, and all over my shoes. Whoever killed her husband had come back to finish the job.

JACK

No--no you didn't, just for your f*****g--f**k you! F**K YOU!

JACK sprints off the stage. Blackout.

SCENE SEVEN

The lights come up on the bar scene from before. JACK is downing a glass of amber liquid while JIM cleans glasses For this most part in this scene he serves as a background prop.

NARRATOR

Jack.

JACK

Leave me alone.

NARRATOR

Jack, it was going to happen either way.

JACK

No, f**k you! This is YOUR story. YOU decide everything that happens. You could have stopped that from happening, but you didn't. And don't give me bullshit like you didn't know it was happening. I know you're omniscient.

NARRATOR

After seeing what you do in the bathroom, I wish I wasn't.

JACK

Why didn't you help her?

NARRATOR

She was meant to die.

JACK

That's stupid. We're humans. We're not meant to do anything.

NARRATOR

No, Jack, you're a character. You're a piece in a great big game that you can't see. It's a game that I'm directing. Sometimes things have to happen. You have to sacrifice a queen to get a king. That's just how the game works.

JACK

I'm a HUMAN BEING. I'm not one of your chess pieces. You think I don't know? I know you can't control me. You only act like you can because that's the only way you know how to act. I'm f*****g sick of how you treat me and everyone around me. I'm going to find a way to escape from you, whether you like it or not.

NARRATOR

You think you can get away from me, Jack? I control your whole world. I decide if it's day or night. I decide if it rains or snows. I run this show, you're just a part of it.

JACK

I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I'm finding who killed Roger and Meg, and then I'm getting out of here.

NARRATOR

How? I control your whole world, Jack.

JACK

I'm Jack f*****g Magnum. I'll find a way. You don't really care about me. If I go, you'll just replace me with a rube that actually follows the stories you want to tell.

NARRATOR

That's not true, Jack. I care about you.

JACK

No, you don't. All you care about is telling your precious story. Well, two people are DEAD for your narrative. Do you even feel anything at all?

NARRATOR

Of course. Losing such useful pieces is--

JACK

There it is again! You think of us as chess pieces! A means to get your plot from A to B! This has been going on for years and I'm f*****g tired of it! I just want to live my life, not be pushed into a dozen different plotlines for your sick enjoyment. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of everything. And you know what? I bet you CAN'T replace me. That's why you're so insistent on me staying around. You know that if I leave and you bring in someone different, your stories won't be nearly as interesting because everyone will see you for the trite and overdone author you really are. So what are you gonna do if I jump off a dock and suck water into my lungs, b*****d?

NARRATOR

Jack, be reasonable about this.

JACK

I am. This is the only way to escape you. I'm sure of it.

JACK slams down the empty glass and the lights go out.

SCENE EIGHT

The lights go up. JACK sits alone on the stage, in the center. HARRIET enters, rushing to his side.

HARRIET

Detective Magnum! I heard about Meg! What are you doing at the pier? What happened!?

JACK

The same b*****d that got her husband got her, I guess. I just wish I could've stopped it.

HARRIET

I'm simply devastated. She was my best friend.

JACK

I'm sorry.

HARRIET

Thank you. I just feel so bad, especially after--

HARRIET suddenly falls quiet. JACK looks at her and stands up.

JACK

After what?

HARRIET

After... um... well...

JACK

Ms. Hawkes, what are you hiding from me?

HARRIET

Nothing! It's just--it's not important!

JACK

Harriet. Please. I just want to know who killed Meg and Roger.

HARRIET looks down, hands trembling.

HARRIET

I... I think it was me, Detective. I'm so sorry.

JACK

What do you mean?

HARRIET

I--please listen to me.

NARRATOR

It was then I noticed the dame's jacket.

JACK

Aw, hell.

NARRATOR

She hadn't been wearing the jacket the last couple times I'd seen her, but now that she was wearing it, I could really take in its tastefulness. Its understated beauty. The buttons that looked too familiar for words.

HARRIET

Listen, Roger and I--well, we were in love. But he couldn't leave Meg. It just doesn't work that way. So we saw each other in secret for a while--for months, really. But Roger, he couldn't take it. He told me he was going to tell Meg. And I was scared. She was going to hate me forever, and Meg is my best friend in the whole world, so I just--I wished for an instant that Roger wouldn't be able to. And then he turned up dead. (Beat.) And then, after Roger was dead, I grew angry. I thought that it was all Meg's fault, and if she had never been there, Roger would be all mine and he wouldn't be dead. And now she's gone too. So I think--I think I did it. Perhaps in a drunken rage, and that's why I don't remember it.

HARRIET suddenly jerks and shakes her head.

HARRIET

I mean... I did it. I killed them. I killed Roger to stop him from telling Meg about our affair, and when Meg was getting too close to the truth I killed her too. (She draws a gun from her purse) And now that you know the truth, I'm going to kill you too.

JACK slowly stands up, hands in the air.

JACK

Now Harriet, let's talk about this.

HARRIET

NO! (She flicks the safety off the gun) Don't you see!? This is the end! This is the end of you, of me, of EVERYTHING. Now that Roger is gone, I have nothing to live for. I can't let you tell the police. I won't spend the rest of my life in prison for this! You have to be shut up forever!

NARRATOR

(A bit gleefully) It looked like this was the end of the road for me. The dame had a gun, a reason, and rage that would stop a furious bull in its tracks. Here ended the story of Jack Magnum, right when I had the killer right in front of me.

JACK

...Wait. It wasn't Harriet.

HARRIET

Who are you talking to?

JACK

It was you. It was you, wasn't it?

JACK takes a step towards HARRIET.

HARRIET

Shut up! Don't come any closer! I'll shoot! I will!

JACK

No, you won't, sweetheart. You don't have the balls to kill me, because you didn't kill the other two. They did.

HARRIET

Who's they? What are you talking about?

JACK dashes forward and grabs HARRIET'S wrists. A struggle ensues, which ends with JACK ripping the gun free from HARRIET'S hands and pushing her away.

NARRATOR

What are you doing, Jack?

JACK

What I should have done a long time ago. Eat s**t and die.

JACK points the gun out into the audience and fires. Instant blackout. However, the characters keep talking.

HARRIET

What's going on? What... what was I saying? I... I didn't kill them. I really didn't.

JACK

It's okay. I believe you. You and me, we're going to get into a car and drive far, far away from here.

HARRIET

Detective Magnum, who were you talking to? Who was that?

JACK