I Wish

            "We are not meant to be," I knew he was about to leave me. I felt like I've punched in my chest. Bile rushed into my gut. I couldn't think of anyway to convince him to stay with me. For a second I thought it was a nightmare but reality hit me like a thunder. I bent my head as I couldn't bear to see him. He kissed my forehead. Tears pooled in my eyes. 

   

             When he was about to turn I couldn't bear it anymore I stretched out my hand and hugged him. I started crying. He didn't even put his arms around me. He stood still waiting for me to let go off him. "Its for the good," saying this he pulled me and walked away. He didn't even look back.

  

            I sink to the floor and put my head between my knees and start crying. I stare at the pale blue walls of my room. Why did I love him? Why did he leave me? Why did it have to be for another girl?  These questions haunted me. I loved him unconditionally and this is what I get in return : rejection. 

    

           I just hated myself and I hate him. I hate everyone. I hate everything. But I have to move on. I should be strong. I took a shower and tried not to think about him anymore. But he managed to creep into my every thought. 

 

         To divert from this awful rejected feeling I studied more. I started working part time at a hardware store. 

 

         Two years passed and now I rarely think about him. One day on work Ben Matthews an old college mate came to the hardware store. We went out had a few drinks and I had really great time after so many days. 

 

         "So you look happy," Ben acknowledged. "Yes, of course I am happy," I replied knowing his intention upon bringing on this topic about my "happiness". "I thought you'll never recover. You both were really close,right?" he asked his smile not touching his eyes. "See Ben it's been really long. If he is ready to move on why can't I move on?"I stood up to leave.

 

           "Hey, please sit down. I'm sorry. I didn't see you at the funeral too. I thought you'd come. But you seriously moved on," he said staring questioningly at me. But I couldn't think anything straight. Did he say funeral? Thoughts strike my mind but I brush them off.

 

          "What funeral Ben? What are you talking about?" I stare at him. Tears already pooling in my eyes. "Don't you know?"he seemed mad. I catch his wrist. "Ben Matthews you better tell me what happened," I was growling. "He had prostrate cancer. He had undergone chemo and a surgery too. But he couldn't survive," Ben had tears. I choked. I was suffocating. I need air. I couldn't breathe. 

 

         I took my jacket and came out of the bar. I stood by the door and started weeping. Ben came and hugged me. I cried into Ben's shirt and he let me.

 

         "When did it happen?", I finally asked him. "He came to know about the cancer the night before he broke up with you. I thought you knew. He left to Indianapolis after that. I thought you knew. I'm really sorry," he hissed at the word cancer.

         "What did he tell you?" Ben prompted and that night played in my mind again. I gained equilibrium and tried to answer in a strong voice but my tears betrayed me. "He said he met another girl Ben," I cried even more. The words felt alien.

 

            "And you believed him? You know how much he loved you,right? How did you believe him? ". Ben is right how did I believe those words? But back then they felt so real. 

         " His whole point was also for you to believe those words,"he said. "But that doesn't make any sense," I manage to speak in between my sobs.  

          "Do you want to see?" , he was referring to the cemetery. I let go of him smooth my hair. I just nod my head as words failed. "We''ll go in my car if you don't mind. I'll leave you here again , you can collect your car then. Is that okay?" , he asked. I nod my head again.

          "Come on. Be strong. You are a brave woman," his eyes shone with sincerity. "I guess," I replied. We got into his Mitsubishi sedan. I don't speak car and driver so I couldn't make out which model it was. But I didn't care about the goddamn car. I could smell beer and cigarettes in his car.

         "Have you been drinking?" I ask him. He looks startled. I think he is trying to assess my question and finally he answers ,"Ummm yeah a bit," he smiles sheepishly. There is a smile on my face too. 

          We didn't talk anything all the way. I preferred silence at the moment. I look at the traffic and the hustle bustle absently. 

          Why did he do this? Because he loved you my heart replied. But he didn't have to go away from me. He could have told me. We would've fought this monster together. Why did it have to be him? Tears rolled onto my cheek. I wiped it away with the back of my palm. 

           "We're here,"he whispered. My distress might have been evident , he took my hand and squeezed it. "It's okay,"he said and I burst into tears again. "Come,"he took my hand and led me. 

            I saw cemeteries in movies but never in person. The mere sight shook me. There was white wooden cross over and the names were inscribed. I could see bouquets on some. Then I saw his name inscribed on a granite. I shouldn't faint. I shouldn't faint. I kept chanting in my mind. But my body felt so light and my eyes heavy. I was suffocating. I felt dazed and fell on the ground. 

          "Are you okay?",Ben's voice concerned. "Do I look okay?",I was literally shouting. He gave me a bottle of water I don't know from where he got it or was he carrying it from the whole time? I drank the cold water and my ribs let out a shiver in response. 

          I walked away from the cemetery and promised myself that I'd never look back. 

Author's Note

This is the first time I wrote a heart break story. Hope everyone likes it. Let me know in the review.