Chapter 1: The Inn

The car was shaky while it went up to the inn that was in the town, the dirt road wasn't very safe it seems. The car came to an abrupt stop as I went forward I stop myself by slamming my hand on the dashboard. I look over at the driver who looks unphased because I'm sure he's experienced it thousands of times. He was old but didn't seem to have many wrinkles, he had greyish silver hair and he didn't seem to show much emotion maybe he's been through as much as I have. He turned his head and stared at me, had I really been staring at him that long? I thought to myself "Are you going to get out." He said in a stern voice as I panic and start to studder.

"Y-yes I'm s-s-sorry." I try and say calmly but fail and receive a creeped out look from the driver. "Thanks for the ride." I say with my head down so I don't have to look at his face again. I walk up to the door and hear the sound of the car driving away the metal screeching sound a car makes when its driving on unstable ground. I turn the knob and open it up the open welcome area with a fireplace going. I walk in passing people reading papers and books in the chairs that were in front of the fire. I place my bags down at my sides when reaching the front desk where Mrs Turner a women I knew fairly well as child sits there waiting for a costumer. The sound of my bad hitting the ground knocked her out of her day dream and back into reality.

"Oh, sorry how may I help you." She looks at me with unknown eyes she didn't recognize me.

"Yes, I would like to purchase a room for tonight." She looks down at her book to find a room available then looks back up at me.

"We have one more room open  your lucky." She started writing in the book. "So whats your name." I looks at her with disbelief I must have changed a lot since leaving.

"Are you serious? You really don't know who I am?" I look at her as she keeps on writing.

"No sir I don't believe I've ever met you." She says as she waits patiently for the name but continues not to look up.

"It's Johnathan Crippen, ma'am I used to be in here all the time playing hide and seek with your daughter Rose." Her hand stops moving when I say my name, she looks up with widened eyes and her pale face. She slowly puts her pen down and left the desk to go to the back room. I try and look back there but it is hidden by a wall, did I say something wrong? I feel like I'm being watched, as I turn around to look at the people they look back at their papers and books as quick as possible. I look behind me a little longer and I see Rose, I waved but as I waved I hear the sound of a man and women fighting behind the wall to the back room. I look in front of me as the tall and intimidating Mr Turner walks out from behind the wall with his wife behind him.

"Johnathan I'm sorry but all of our rooms are filled I'm sorry but you cant stay here." He said in a deep voice.

"But your wife said there was one left, where do you expect me to sleep." I say calmly as Mr Turner starts to push me towards the doors as I grab my bags quickly.

"I don't know son but anywhere but here." He says while I finally get outside of the Inn.

"But sir I don't have anywhere else to go." I say concerned for what I was going to do.

"Go to that creepy house of yours." He shuts the door in my face after that comment. I kick the door out of anger and walk to the road as I put my bags down and sit in the side of it. I look at the sun as it starts to go down, night was going to be here soon and I will be all alone in the town I used to live in. Why did he seem so scared of me and his wife? And the people staring something that I don't know about is going on. What could possible have people so afraid. I look down and start to write in the dirt, Dear Susan, I am just fine right now, well no that's a lie I'm not ok, I feel alone. Please help me through this night and you will be the best little sister ever. Love Johnny. My sister was the only person who ever called me Johnny, she thought it was her nickname for me.

"Whats that?" A soft voice says behind me as I sweep my hand over my letter to Susan where ever she may be.

"It's um nothing it w-was just a l-letter to Susan." I look behind me to see Rose standing there, I get up from the ground and wipe the dirt off of me.

"I'm sorry if I scared I just wanted to say sorry for the way my parents treated you." She says sincerely as I smile.

"Why did they though?" I look at her as she takes a deep breath.

"It's your family." She says looking away from me.

"My family, how?" I ask while looking at the night sky finally arriving.

"I don't feel comfortable talking about it out here can we go inside." She says as I look at her with confusion.

"I'm not allowed in there remember or were you not here five minutes ago." I say as she gives me her hand to help me up. I grab my bags and follow her around the inn.

"We can go through this backdoor." She smiles as she opens and enters the inn and I follow behind her closing the door on the night sky.

Reviews

[Shep]

Where to begin? As stated first person writing is not my cup of tea. I have read the coments below noticing thd same mistakes that you still have not corrected after all this time. Even though I am not part of this group, but right now you are part of mine. So I will be straight with you. Story is great and has potential, but if you are not going to fix the errors noted for you, what is the point in helping a young writer with the knowledge I have learned?

Yet I have a duty as your group leader of Inked Pages. To read your entire book in hopes and I say hope that you will read mine. Helping me find those same pesky errors. So I may grumble reading another first person novel, but I will read every bit as promised in hopes you take what I give you and do something with it. If not you are wasting my time and offerd help that I could have given to somebody else.

[Jake Donald Stephens]

You've done a good job of creating questions that the reader will want answered in this first chapter. I was a little disoriented at first because in the previous part it starts off talking about him getting a letter and being in a bar drinking, and then it skips to this. But I'm already curious to find out what's going on in this town and why everyone is acting afraid. Overall, the story does a great job of pulling the reader in.

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[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter. I like the meeting at the door and the fear create by his appearance. The chapter open the door to mystery and question. You have my attention. A excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Daydreamer54]

This was a great start!
he had greyish silver hair and he didn't seem to show much emotion maybe he's been through as much as I have. He turned his head and stared at me, had I really been staring at him that long? I thought to myself "Are you going to get out."
you could just say he had silver hair and also in this paragraph, you switched tenses.
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[Julie Beth]

Okay so a few things
"The sound of my bad"- i know you mean the sound my bag, but just so you're aware
Also when he was writing the note in the dirt, i would change the font, but it's yourt writing so it's totally up to you.
and like i said before there are a few places that could use commas
Okay so now, this is so good and creepy at the same time. I really like Rose but what is up with her parents? I wonder if Rose is going to sneak him into that extra room for the night. You are doing an awesome job with this, reading on :)

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[.quan.011.]

I agree with Ana completely. You do less tell and more show in this chapter. Also watch your tense. I noticed in the beginning there some past tense and then rest is present. Other than that this is a good chapter.

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[Arianna]

i like it :)
just a few things....
everything seems very cut and dry. like your telling us exactly whats happening rather than of showing us and maybe that's what you wanted, just pointing out that that's what i got from it.
second. i think you meant "Un phased" instead of Phased when your describing the man giving your character a ride because if he was phased it would have meant he showed emotion and you would be contradicting yourself.
:) but i really like where your going with it! :) ready to be scared out of my wits :)

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