Chapter 1 The Funeral With A Letter

It was Saturday the sky even though not a cloud in it and the sun shining as bright as it ever did seemed so dull. No one had a positive way to look at it; my brother had killed himself everyone dressed in black as the funeral in our town’s church took place. Matt always had secrets but no one ever saw this happening. Matt was never depressed or never seemed like it but he had secrets from everyone even his family apparently. People just sad there with the casket in front all of us and in all of our heads every single one of our heads was a question and the question was…Why? None of us could ever get an answer the person who did it was dead about to be buried in less than an hour now. Finally we all started standing up to pay our respects to Matt, my mother and father first those who seemed the most broken out of all of this. All though my friends and I were broken inside also we wanted to go last.

Once it was our turn we all stood there in front of what seemed to be so unreal something we all didn’t want to believe to be true. “I’m sorry, River.” Sara said with her soft tone of voice.

“It…ok.” I said I told myself before I came here that I wasn’t going to cry but the tears seemed to be breaking through.

“It ok to cry River.” Jason said wrapping his arms around me. Those words seemed to break me I fell to my knees bawling with everything I had. My twin the one I was born with just a few seconds after him was dead.

“I feel like part of me was killed along with Matt.” I looked up at my friends who just listened to me. “Why? Why the hell would he do this us?” I stopped myself at that moment to process what I had just said. “Why would he do this to himself?” I stopped crying then and just started to question.

“Why would anyone?” Kyle’s sad voice sounded behind me. We all sat there again just thinking as I got up from my knees to stand strong with my friends. Everyone left the church to drive to the grave site except for us. I couldn’t see my brother buried and my friends couldn’t see him buried either.

As we got to my house I opened my mailbox as I saw one letter in it as I pulled it out the front said to River and our friends. “Matt was talking about one last adventure the last time we were all together, why would he talk about that then do this.” As Kyle said that I read the letter and stood there in disbelief.

“I think I just found out.”

Author's Note

This Chapters Word Count: 477

Reviews

[Blood.Red.Nobodies]

This chapter had much better punctuation than the last one. I also like how you tied in the first chapter early on, instead of waiting until later in the book. I was never clear on the fact of River's gender, either. Maybe slip in the gender in a creative way like have someone at the funeral whisper "Wasn't he/she Matt's twin?" It would make things a lot clearer. I can see River as being a girl, though because of the way he/she broke down and cried in front of everyone. Even if they were my twin, in real life if I were a guy, I still wouldn't do that. Anyway, I did catch a few punctuation errors, though. They are as follows:

"It was Saturday the sky even though not a cloud in it and the sun shining as bright as it ever did seemed so dull." I would put a period after Saturday and a comma after "The sky" and after "ever did".
"No one had a positive way to look at it; my brother had killed himself everyone dressed in black as the funeral in our town’s church took place." I would insert a period after "killed himself" or you can use a simple conjunction (and, but, so, etc.).
"Matt was never depressed or never seemed like it but he had secrets from everyone even his family apparently." Put a comma after "never depressed" and one after "like it" and another after "his family".
"People just sad there with the casket in front all of us and in all of our heads every single one of our heads was a question and the question was…Why? " change "sad" to "sat". and maybe change the sentance to say "People just sat there with the casket in front of us all; we were all asking the same question in our heads... Why?" and I would put "Why" in italics.
"It...okay." should probably say "Its... okay."

I just looked at Lou's review and realized I repeated half of what he said. Lovely. Hahaha. Other than my few OCD punctuation corrections, the rest was amazing:D keep on writing! I can't wait for more!!

.display. Kitty
.memberID. 027
.division. III
.division.leader. Ryan
.name. Marisa
.username. CallMeKitty
.novels. ----
.status. New Member
.join date. 06-27-11

[Lou Briggs]

You can definitely lend more imagery to the first paragraph. Right now, it feels like you're only describing what everything looks like, and the only emotion you mention is "sad". I'm also not sure if it's intentional or not, but you have a huge amount of run on sentences, mainly because you are barely using commas. If it's intentional, I'm just going to have to get used to it, but if it's not, I suggest you read up on comma usage, because it's a little distracting.

"It…ok." I said.  When you write dialogue, the phrase inside the quotes gets a comma afterwards, not a period (unless it's a question or exclamation). Also, I think you mean "It's…okay". Just saying it makes the character sound like a caveman. I only mention this because you do this more than once.

Is River the kind of person who would just admit his (or her…I'm not really sure yet) feelings to everyone? If he's a boy, I feel like he wouldn't. I think this needs a bit more clarification.

Now, there's not a lot of information in this chapter, but the end doesn't really make sense. River's twin just died, and when River gets a letter, he just automatically believes is from his brother? If my twin died, I'd think it was some sort of cruel, sick joke. Unless that was Matt's personality. Either way, it needs some clarification.

Keep up the writing! Hope that helps!

-Lou

.novelists.elite.info.
.display. Lou Briggs
.memberID. 030
.division. IV
.division.leader. Vacant
.name. Lou
.username. Lou Briggs
.novels. ----
.status. New Member
.join date. 07-02-11