Opa

"Kristen, are you awake? Where are you? What are you doing right now?" 

Those words were basically all I needed to know that things weren't right and that what I had been fearing for the past two days had come to pass.

 

"Opa is gone"

 

"… What?"

 

"He passed on this morning, Kristen."

 

I started to cry uncontrollably after that. I didn't even get the details. I don't know when it happened this morning. I don't know if it was painful or if it was a peaceful death. I don't know if he was alone or if anyone what with him when he died. Then I start thinking, I don't know how old he is… he just had a birthday in July. He's in… he was in his seventies, I think. I feel guilty. I wasn't there when he was in the hospital, I haven't talked to him in more than a week. And now I will not get the chance.

 

My mom keeps telling me it's not my fault and now he's not in pain. But it isn't helping.

 

"It's gonna be okay"

 

"I'm so sorry"

 

"He's not in pain"

 

All of it is meaningless right now and is actually making me cry harder. I've called me mom at least three times after she called me at 9:33am. And even when I'm not crying when I call, I'm crying when I hang up. I just wanna stay on the phone with her. I can't call my Oma, she's going through so much more right now. I would just feel bad to cry on the phone with her right now.

 

Nicholas is still with her, maybe he'll be the rock of the family for us. My dad is leaving tomorrow for a job and it's been planed for over a month. And my aunt found out about over the phone like I did, but she has bad-mouthed him so much I hope she feels guilt. As for her husband, I will never refer to him as my uncle again. He's chewing out everyone, hung up on my mom at 5:30 in the morning after yelling at her. All she wanted was to tell her that my Opa had died and that he should tell my aunt so she didn't hear it over the phone. A*****E! I  swear if I wasn't so upset, I'd call him and curse him out.

 

***

 

I  probably talked to my mom ten times today… but I can't talk to my Oma. I know as soon as she gets on the phone and says hi, I'll say I'm so sorry… and then I would just start bawling and that would make me feel even worse. My mom asked if I wanted to talk to her and while I told her why I couldn't and that was it… I started crying.

 

Colleen and Roger brought the boys over I guess… I heard Ryan in the background talking and giggling. Made me feel jealous I wasn't there and then I felt guilty because there's so much important things. I asked if they looked for him, she said at first…

 

I bought a black outfit, I didn't know what else to do with myself. Then I remembered that I had finished Christmas shopping for him already. I bought him an FGCU Coffee Mug… I don't know what to do now. Do I return it? Do I still wrap it and bring it to Christmas? Do I take it to Oma? Do I keep it and use it?

 

***

 

It is been three days… I came home on Thursday evening. I got everything settled for school and work. That evening was hard to drive. I broke down a couple times listening to the most random songs on the radio. But I got to my Oma's house… everyone was there. All eating, all hugging. My Oma was lying down but could not sleep. She having trouble with that.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

Never thought I'd hate a question more that "How's college going?" But I do, I hate it more. You know the answer by the look on my face, you can tell something's wrong otherwise you would not ask in the first place. And yet, I find myself asking it too, and I feel mad and guilty when I ask it.

 

The twins were here yesterday and they'll be here today too. We all get smiles and try to entertain them. But we feel sad. Opa would enjoy playing with the boys so much. My mom's work sent us a honey baked ham along with all the fixings. Food is in no shortage here. Opa would enjoy that too. He loved eating… he was always the last one to finish. There's so much I know he'd miss and wish he could see.

 

I told my mom that I wish I had brought his Christmas present with me, I could have buried it with him. She said if it was important to me, we could go and get it. I told her no, I'll just bring it down for Christmas and visit his grave and leave it for him. I know he would have loved it.

 

I keep going through things in my head. Me telling the boys about their wonderful great-grandfather and me visiting and talking to his grave. It seems so surreal.

 

We're taking a limo to his funeral. Roger arranged it, I love him. Colleen really found a winner.

 

***

 

Sunday and Monday were the hardest two days in my life, I hope they are the hardest ever.

 

I never have cried so much  in two days in my life. The whole open casket thing, let me say that I'm not a fan. Everyone who was there that wasn't family said, "oh he looks good." I really didn't understand that. He was cold, I mean ice cold, he had a massive amount of white makeup on, and he looked uncomfortable. I kissed his head, mainly because everyone in my whole family was. I figured it was tradition and that I should do it too. But it wasn't good for me. He was cold, kind of like when you rest your hand in the freezer because the A/C just broke. My lips just barely touched his forehead and I wanted to take it back almost immediately.