Take me Away

Take me away, at least for a day I want you to kidnap

me and we can slip away just you and I with our hearts

held high and our spirits flowing with excitement and pride

Take me where no one will be and see all the trouble I may be

with you by my side we can take on anything and no one could

hurt us as we start to sing, sing for the joy and sing just sing the

worry away

 

Author's Note

seems like just a fragment of something more

Reviews

[ValyrieKiennan]

I feel that your structure is a bit problematic; there ought to be line breaks where there aren't etc. For example, you attempt a rhyme in the first line and there is no line break. It should read

Take me away,
At least for a day

The structure will then emphasize the rhyme and the songlike nature you are injecting into this piece. To further this point, the lines are overlong. I would suggest rewording/shortening/breaking up many of the lines here into more manageable pieces.

Also, there is much to be expanded on here. There are many gaps in this narrative; where is the place that no one will be? What trouble "might" the narrator be? What joy is there to be sung about? What worries plague the mind of the narrator? By answering these questions through your poem, greater interiority will be given to your narrator, thus creating a point of interest for your audience. This will help move your work from merely digestible to memorable.

Keep up the great work!

Cheers,

VK

[Lydia Shutter]

What a lovely fantasy...to be whisked away to a better place with someone you love. To do what you want without prying eyes or responsibility to stop you. There is a sense of freedom in your words. I liked it. Lydi**

[K-mo]

Thank you Lydia, I hope someday this fantasy may be more:) but for now it just looks perfect just in words