Merry-Go-Round

Some weird horror bit I wrote for an 8th grade Halloween project. My present writing style is still greatly reflected in it surprisingly.

Music dispersed throughout the cool night air, causing a light-hearted atmosphere of excitement to emerge. Bright neon lights flashed like fireflies against the wall of black. Each color reflected into the sky, creating a mosaic that perfectly captured the image of fun.

“I need more people! Don’t be shy! Let’s go!” bellowed the carousel manager.

“Daddy!” I whined, pulling at his jacket sleeve, “Hurry! I don’t want to miss any of it!” I skipped through the crowd gleefully, but made sure my grinning father stayed close behind. Money wasn’t always plentiful, but Daddy made sure that every other Friday he would take me to the local park. The park wasn’t much to most people, a dusty fountain and some benches scattered about. But to me, it was brilliant, for the centerpiece was a gleaming carousel. My favorite time to ride it was right after dusk. That way all the colors seemed to glow as if forming a protective barrier. Sadly, Daddy got home from work late, so it didn’t glow quite as much as I was hoping for. I kept skipping closer and closer, following the sound of music intertwined with the laughter of children.

Every color of the rainbow was portrayed by the horses on the outer ring of the carousel. Those were the special ones. All of the horses were wonderful, with intricate details on each one. Jade, the green one, was mine. Flowers embroidered her black mane and tail. Bells and shiny things encrusted her saddle in a very elegant fashion. Every bit of her was gorgeous in its own way, but her eyes were my favorite. A rich jungle green infused with a smoky hue of purple to create a magical feel to it. Daddy wasn’t so picky, as long as he didn’t get stuck with Pinky.

Scampering up the steps onto the ride, I immediately rushed to Jade. To my disgust, a small framed girl with pale white eyes was atop her.

“Get off Jade!” I growled, projecting every bit of mean I could muster.

“How old are you?” she responded silkily. Her voice had an ominous ring to it, almost as magical as Jade I must admit. . .

“Five!” I declared strongly. She gave me a wicked grin, then gracefully slid off what was rightfully mine. Scanning the other horses, I found Daddy on Blackie. Flashing a smile only half-filled with teeth, I hauled myself up.

“Here we go!” cheered the control manager. I grasped the golden pole, and let out a shriek of glee. Music notes jumped from octave to octave as the horses swelled up and down. Another shriek sounded, but not as pleasantly. I whipped back my head, flinging thick locks of black hair out of my face. I found that the scream originated from a small frightened boy who appeared to be about my age.

The time came and the ride ended, but before the ride slowed, it came to a violent stop. Throwing several people off the ride, cracking the pleasant air. Sickening thuds sounded as people were thrown off, and fear began to grow deep within me.

“Daddy?” I squealed, still clasped onto Jade. I dismounted and hobbled over to him.

“Daddy, are you okay?” I whined, giving him a gentle touch on his hand. His skin was cold underneath my fingers. My heart began pumping fear-ridden blood throughout my body as tears welled. I shook him, and he fell to the ground in a simple motion. My breath became void, then gasped back in. My legs lost muscle control, and I fell alongside Daddy. Tears blurred my vision in an attempt to spare me, but it proved useless. His glazed eyes and twisted body had already etched into the back of my eyelids. Salty tears fell onto the golden floors. The gruesome sight became clear before me once more. I screamed and screeched, my vocal chords stretching painfully.

My eyes were squeezed shut, but I could still see him. Some minutes passed. I gathered all my courage, and removed his cell phone from his jacket. Blunt tones sounded in my ear again and again, no one answered. The phone fell from my hands. Daddy had vanished.

The golden floors had taken on a hue of somber gray along with the rest of my surroundings. I was completely alone. My eyes were dry, but I was still crying when I hobbled down the steps. Birds weren’t twittering, cars were not grumbling,  the whole world seemed to have deflated into another dimension.

“Hello.” A voiced cooed out of nowhere. The voice was close, I froze. Cold air patted my shoulder rhythmically; breathing. I foolishly began to run. I noticed that by the fountain, the same frightened little boy from before was there, as I rushed to him something glided past me.The little boy fell in the same simple fashion as Daddy. My body shook uncontrollably, and I helplessly stumbled backwards. Ice penetrated my neck as ghostly white fingers coiled around my neck. Shrill screams splintered the air again and again.

“You with me now, so I shall do as I please.” hissed a voice with a terribly familiar ring.

“You can have Jade! I am so sorry. I don’t. . . I don’t. . .” choking tears prevented me from completing my plea. The cold girl sighed and whispered, “You were five? What an honor, you had such a nice scream.” One more scream splintered the night, and soon, I joined Daddy.

Author's Note

Nothing to pay attention to here. Just a story bit.

Reviews

[Jack Wolfe]

The time came the ride ended. You either need a comma after came, or ‘and’ otherwise it hesitates; but considering your following line ‘before the ride slowed’ the ‘slowed’ contradicts the ride ended ‘meaning stopped’ perhaps rephrase. The time came for the ride to end, but instead (or as it slowed) it came to a violent stop.

Sickening thuds sounded after people were thrown off, and fear began to grow deep within me. (Make yourself the subject) e.g. my fear began to grow as I heard the sickening ‘thud’ of people hitting the pavement. Or another variation, as people being thrown doesn’t make a sound, it’s the impact.

(Tears blurred) my vision to spare me the horror, but it proved to be useless. (My vision blurred to spare me the horror, but it proved useless.) Or insert with tears, but tears are kind of implied.
Blunt tones sounded (I’d replace ‘blunt’ perhaps ‘shrill,’ but still there needs to be a subject to the sentence.

A voiced cooed sickly voice out of nowhere. (A fragment and jumbled wording) Perhaps, just, ‘A voice cooed’.

An interesting dark tale; I’m curious where this could have gone. You have a great grasp on imagery and setting; the issues I found with this were fundamental and easy to overlooked. Make sure your sentences have a subject, or rearrange them to make the subject the topic. Avoid adverbs as much as possible, especial(ly) ones, you have several littered throughout; your last three paragraphs.

Completely
Painfully
Sickly
Foolishly
Excitedly
Suddenly
Slowly
Uncontrollably
Ghostly
Terribly
Coolly

Overall it was a very enjoyable read, and I look forward to reading more from you.

[Klo Willow]

Thank you for your time. I am pleased that you happened to review my oldest, and roughest, piece. Your review has provided an excellent guide for revision. Expect to see another version of this in the near future!

[DaughterNature]

I hope you don't mind, but I love to close-read short stories, so here it goes:

Remember that the value of a short story stems from its format: it's short, like a poem, so the need to choose words carefully is intense; however, it's prose, meaning that you don't have to stress over meter or rhyme (unless you want to).

The "light-hearted atmosphere of excitement" is very redundant; and it emerges from where? If Daddy got home late from work (presumably that would be night time), why don't the colors glow as much as the speaker was hoping?

White eyes? Although a fairly standard horror detail, it seems like something that gives it away too soon, and I'm sure the speaker would react differently to someone with non-human eyes.

When the ride starts to go wrong, it's confusing. This may be because of the speaker's age, but you may want to re-write this section. I am especially disinclined to credit it to the speaker's age because the speaker uses "vocab" words in the same section: "my breath became void" is a good example. Be careful of kennings like "fear-ridden" - they tend to sound redundant, unless used very carefully.

I think I see where you were going with this, but the ending feels rushed, discombobulated and unclear. Good horror should be so clear the reader becomes engrossed in the setting. Try to picture exactly what you mean the reader to be seeing in the last scene(s), then re-write it to be both clear and terrifying.

Also, as Jack noted, strong words are always better. I would recommend using the verb "to be" as little as possible. "Was" and "were" just don't feel dynamic, especially in a story like this where you want the reader to be rushing headlong.

[jjwilbourne]

This was a lot of fun. I liked seeing the child perspective. You gave me a go of emotions on this one.
Well written.

[C. Rose]

Congratulations!
This piece is a finalist of Promote Me! VII.
Go to http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Promote-Me%21-VIII-%28Not-Poetry%29/50520/ to vote for this piece by 1.31.2015.

[Sam]

I love how descriptive you are in this, especially with the horses on the Mary-go-round. It definitely painted a picture for me. Great job!

[Klo Willow]

Imagery is one of my favorite things to write. Thank you!