Washed away

Revised
A beach is what makes the shore
But its rocks in the ocean that keeps the beach from eroding
The waves are what take away the sand
The tide bringing in more
I am a beach who has never been wanted
My shoreline isnt the prettiest it dosnt hold the most shells
There are no rocks in my ocean to keep me from disappearing
No waves to replenish my sand for all hope was lost at sea
My beach is nothing special and soon it will be gone
For why would people pefer my beach over others when there is no beauty in my coast
My beach is self destructive with no means of going on
Peice by peice i give
Untill the water has washed away my shores
By then people will go looking
Wondering where my beach has went
Not realizing they dug its watery grave long ago
But they wont miss me till im Gone
When im gone they will see
But till then The waves keep coming washing my beach away

Orignal version

I feel as i am a beach whos ocean is washing up the shore
Slowly taking away grands of sand untill there is no more
Until one day someone will look for the beach
But the waves sucked it away like some sort of leach
All the grains are lost
Washed away from the sea that was full of gloss
No one payed attention to keep the beach at bay
Not realizing they where digging its grave
Now the beach is gone there is no way to get it back
Its lost forever to be forgotten

This is me i am a beach being washed away by people until there not a single strand
So think about that as you take my sand
Taking away all my grains untill there is no more for you don't give a jack
There will be no way to get me back
No way to rebuild what you have broke
You thought my feelings where some big joke
You never needed me but for you own desires
I needed you and asked for you compassion but instead you wrenched out my heart with a pair of pliers
I was expandable till you came looking
But it was to late for i was already gone
I shall be lost and forgotten forevermore

Author's Note

Please say somthing anything to let me no you read it also dont be afriad to give me constructive criticism if you honestly think my. Poem sucked then tell me it sucked i realy want feedback um this poem is a mess a the moment the top is my newly edited version the below is ether orginal they both r messed up so yeah

Reviews

[Lyn Anderson]

I agree with Trace's assessment. I will post with corrections, and see what you think.

A beach is what makes the shore
but rocks in the ocean
keep the beach from eroding
the waves take away the sand
the tide brings in more.

I am a beach that's never been wanted
not the prettiest;
it doesn't hold the most shells
no rocks to keep me from disappearing
no waves to replenish my sand
for all hope was lost at sea.

My beach is nothing special
and soon it will be gone -
for why would people prefer my beach
over others when there
is no beauty along my coast.

My beach is self destructive
with no means of going on
piece by piece i give
until the water has washed away my shore

By then people will go looking
wondering where my beach went
not realizing they dug its watery grave
long ago

They won't miss me
till i'm gone
only then will they see -
till then the waves keep coming
washing me away

[Kt k]

I have to say i like your version 100% better then either of mine you did a great job on it thank you for taking your time to do so. It has also given me a new idea for the piece which i will try and put up as soon as i get it right thank you for all the feedback. Excellent job on your version and thanks again.:)

[Lyn Anderson]

keep up the write!

[rainbow princess]

I think it is fine, to me. But I would work on organizing, or putting more feel to it. Make it feel like you are meaning one thing with full of emotion.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I love anyone with a passion for writing, particularly poetry; and I always want to encourage the young to keep writing, as it will only get better as you grow and mature and have a little bit of life experience behind you. Having said this, this poem is all over the map.

First, you're a beach, angry at the ocean for taking your sand. Then, you're angry at the people who took your sand. The message here isn't clear at all.

Secondly, you should pay attention to rhyme and meter, grammar and punctuation. While you don't necessarily have to utilize the former to write poetry, you most definitely need to use the latter. From your profile to your poetry, this is completely lacking; and I don't understand how anyone, who professes to want to write, can overlook grammar and punctuation.

[Kt k]

Thank you for the feedback. I was trying to be symbolic with the the beach repesenting me and the the ocean being the people who take from me but never notice how they are making the beach erode away untill one day the go looking for it and its gone and they will never be able to get it back because they buried it in a grave. But it didnt come out how i wanted so i tried to rhyme Which normally i dint do. So it kinda ended up a bunch of words. As for my spelling and grammar that has never been my strong point and im on a ipad so i dont have spell check. Thanks for the sugestions i will put them to use as i try and work on this peice:)

[Trace]

I want to be positive but the feelings you are trying to express get lost in the message. You would do well then use spell check. Also if you want the poem to rhyme, maker sure you follow through with every line and verse and try not to repeat the same words for the pattern. This could be a very good poem with some simple changes. Trace

[Kt k]

Thank you so much for the constructive criticism thats exactly the type of feedback i want thank you for all the tips i will try my best to apply them to my future writing and i know my spelling is crapy which i again apologize for :)

[Kt k]

I took your advice and made some changes to the poem i would love for you to come check it out and tell me what you think :)

[PearlPoet]

Beautifully sad this poem is...
I just read your bio, never give up writing! Keep on doing it as long as you love it... :)

[Kt k]

Thanks for the feedback i have learnd my lesson about listening to those who think my writing sucks and even though its there opinions that i hold the highest i decided to continue for what others have said about my writting thanks for the encouragement :)