Ah, there he is. I recognized his black hair and black semi-formal-- he was wearing black, ok?!?
He wasn't necessarily one with the "cool" crowd, but then again, he wasn't that much of a loser either. Ok, he was kind of a nerd, but whatever. Though his laugh was slightly annoying in some circumstances, he wasn't the hottest boy on the market, and he certainly didn't have an advanced IQ, the girls still swarmed by him like a flock of birds. They were all his friends, apparently, and I only knew, like, what? Four or five of his guy-friends? I don't know quite frankly, but anyway, he was one of my friends.
With him being much like a young girl trapped in a boy's body, a couple of my friends had a slight suspicion that he was probably gay. But no. He was far too masculine to be of the homosexual nature. Actually, he couldn't really be gay, as, if he were anything of the sort, he wouldn't be part of my church. Egh, he was a bit childish too....
Having danced with him three times, I felt like something was growing within me… something… bigger than a friendship, bigger than just any attraction to just any boy.
His gentleman-like nature mixed with the strange child he really was within seemed to have caught my eye many times, but never more than now. Sometimes, he was annoying, he was stupid, and he was obnoxious; but he knew better to be like that in serious situations-- like this, a church dance.
I danced with him three times, each time better than the last, and wondered: do I like him? I found myself asking that same question repeatedly in my head even after the dance was over.
In the midst of the regular school day, I would look over my shoulder at the oddity of a boy, but do nothing except smile. Like walking through a path where everything except I was in slow motion, walking with a rounded foot-- heel, toe, heel, toe-- ignoring the noise and distractions, I was actually able to look into his face… and smile.
Wearing skinny jeans, black flats, a striped shirt and grey sweater, I bound on air down the sidewalk. I look back, my hair flying over my eyes, and see his figure walking unknowingly behind my shooting gaze. My heart would pound like a thousand hoof beats, but I’d quickly turn my head to the path in front of me and keep walking-- heel, toe, heel, toe.
I had an unusual attraction to him-- my friends all thought I was crazy, and had bad taste in guys-- but who are they to talk?? I’m in love, I have even a tiny bit of compelling beauty, I can love whoever I find suitable-- even if he is kind of ugly and a loser.
Even so, I found it rather hard to keep this secret crush to myself. He passed me in the halls, and I couldn’t resist the urge to throw my hand out, waving vigorously, and yell in a high, girlish voice, “HIII!!!!” It was hard to get his attention most of the time, as he usually had other things on his mind. Half of the time, he could hear me, thus, returning a small, seemingly confused but cheerful smile back at me. I found it hard to control my stupidity, so I appeared to him possibly deranged or maniacal in a small sense. Maybe I didn’t appear that way to him, but I could have if he was just any old boy.
Here I am, a regular green-eyed, dark and emo-ish girl, and there he was, a regular, large-eyed little kid within a teenager-- in him: a strange personality, eye-catching smile and an oddity for a laugh.
“He’s not hot,” I find myself say all the time, “He’s cute!”
Much like a teddy bear, he was. You never would have thought a young boy would seem this way, but here he is right in front of me. He was only half of the things I would have wanted in a boy: he’s not too crazy about video games, he’s not an advanced student in many subjects, and I highly doubt he’s even allowed on the Internet; so, what the hell do I see in this guy?!
Who cares!! Anyone who objects to my liking may gladly kiss my behind!!
Finally, I gave my heart a shot. I walked alongside him, fidgeting with the tattered ends of my grey Hurley jacket and holding a nervous smile. Once we were alone, I was able to cough up the words, “… Uhuh… Hey, umm-- can I… T-talk to you for a second?!” I shuttered, my heart nearly burst through my chest and I shivered, though it wasn’t that cold.
“Sure.” He replied.
“Ok-- umm-- w-what would you do if someone walked up to you and… said… th-that someone liked you?”
He looked at me with his large eyes, “What do you mean?”
“Well, you know, would you laugh, would you make fun of them, would you run away-- whu-- what would you do?”
“Why?”
“Because, now answer the question.” I shivered even more.
“I would ask who!”
“Ok, ‘cause somebody likes you.”
“Who?”
“You’re standing right next to her.” My voice softened slightly as I turned my head in order to see his reaction.
He looked at me once more in the momentary pause, “… Okay….” He seemed aloof with no other known way to respond to such an unexpected sentence coming out of my mouth.
I blinked my eyes a few times, “…. Uhh… Is that all you have to say?”
He turned his head to the path we walked on, “Well… I could say more… But it might not make you very happy….”
Crap! Crap! Crap!! This is the end!! “What?!” I fearfully turned my head to him.
“Well, I can’t date until I’m sixteen.”
‘Not very happy’ my a*s, “Well neither can I!” I threw my hands out. Due to religious reasons, the rule about dating was: You must wait until you’re sixteen. “You see, we could be friends, but not, like, dating or anything.”
“Ok….” Still struggling for some kind of answer, he appeared speechless.
I smiled, “Ok!!” Deep within my heart, I almost regretted telling him this. I felt a nasty feeling within my stomach that said, ‘This week is going to be a living hell!!’
I recited the experience with my friends. I think a very few (two or three) told me that sort of reaction from him didn’t sound like a very good one. He seemed uninterested, but I tried my hardest to ignore it, as I was clearly mad about him. The more I tried to ignore it, the sicker I felt in the pit of my stomach. I was scared, as I thought he was trying to avoid me after that, or he was ignoring me, or worse: that he was scared of me! No! Please, not this! Dear Heavenly Father, please help me, for I am in deep trouble!
Feeling tired and ashamed, I plodded my way into the church building in the morning. I was clearly the first one there, so I set my backpack in one of the seats and then went to my friend’s classroom right next to mine-- my church has a sort of ‘Sunday school’ before the actual school; it’s called Seminary. I told my friend along with a friend of hers, who was sitting right next to her, about the boy. My friend was happy for me, but of course, she hated boys-- she had never dated a single man, even though she was the perfect age; she hated dances (because of the sappy slow songs which meant dancing… with boys) so she was happy just simply obsessing over boys, never to date them, just to watch them go by in the hallways or at her house or at public places. On the other hand, two of her friends felt a bit bad for me, as they said ‘Ok’ wasn’t a very good answer seeing as though it conveyed little interest towards my feelings.
Walking back to my class, my eyes were lowered and sad, but as soon as I looked up, I saw him sitting in the seat right beside my backpack. A smile emerged on my face as I walked over to sit down next to him.
Again, I thought and thought and over-thought the situation. A boy like him could find at least one excuse to be right there by my side, but then a thousand excuses to avoid me completely. Finally, I walked to my sixth period class. (no heel, toe, heel, toe) I kept my eyes fixed to the concrete floor of a path that appeared like a b-line to the PE locker room. Thinking about my little friend, I wondered if he would ever meet me at that point, for he did have the same period PE as me.
Alone on a crude map leading to my next destination, I walked with my hands fixed to my sides. An impulse to bash my fist into a wall lay-away in my mind-- I knew love hurt, so why did I go and knock on its door for about the fourth time?
A sudden gravitational force held me back.
“Hi!” He jumped out beside me.
I jumped nearly an inch away and let out a boy-ish yell, “WHOA! You scared me!!”
“I didn’t scare you.” He smiled.
“Yes you did! That was weird!!”
At that point, I really wanted to wrap my arms around him, as I was overjoyed by his presence. My heart was able to flutter once again, maybe things won't be so bad... for now....
He’s not at all afraid of me; he’s my best friend-- he’s my… “best” friend. <3
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