A Fourth Letter

My dear friend, 

I understand wholeheartedly what you're going through, and I'm sorry. I too feel so trapped in my circumstances, trapped in the world. I can't find anyone around me who looks at life the same way -- no one takes it more serious than an instagram like and their twitter feed. It makes me sick, this lull society is in. The same thing, over and over and over and-

It never ends. Part of me wants to die, to leave this imperfect place we call home. It's childish, but I want that serenity and peace; I dream of a heaven where all is well and there's no more pain and emptiness. I feel so dull... I want to be full and content and joyful, but I can't seem to find my way. I kept telling myself, "Isn't God supposed to give me life?" but nothing would change. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong... I've come to a dead end. On one hand, I have everything; my other hand is vacant. 

Your career choice, I admire. The same path has crossed my mind several times in the form of counseling. There's something about the human mind, the human soul that intrigues me. Why are we so intelligent, so amazing and creative yet so incredibly unstable? We're able to build skyscrapers and tame fire and alter electricity in the air, stabilize deadly conditions and predict weather, yet we're all insane. We all search for purpose and satisfaction, but rarely do we find it. In this huge mess of insecurity and loneliness we wonder what our reason to live is. We're so amazing, friend, so why are we empty? 

The best way I have to describe my state of mind is-- nothing. Everything is just nothing, I have no part. I have everything, but it's all nothing. Somewhere I imagine peace exists, but I'm not sure I've found it. It's not even that I'm not happy-- I have my moments of joy. They're all so short lived. Maybe one day soon I'll remember who I am again.