bla bla bla

her pupils eat her eyes and swallow the sound of waves
in the yard on a rainy day they
rouge her cheeks meek
influenced by rushing fists
covered as a pavement kiss when
there is no money for milk and
grocery stores cuss dirty as the
stockroom toilet crevice as the unsterilized room where her thighs
cried like a baby never lulled to sleep
seeping through as a red azalea emerges
on the sill of some nearby hospital where
the dead whites breathe life and
the yellow curtains cower over the sun that
charred him well and puddled his mood like the
drink he slipped on in the Irish pub
like the drink he sipped on in the Irish pub
like the drink he swigged on and on and on
and off to the car and onto the walk
that led to the stalk of what she hadn't
said but done instead
on a grisly night in July when
no more stray chips could fit
in the couch cushions and he
remembered the pool table in the basement
took a cue that it was urgent enough to put off she
was looking pale as a black hole in the broken lamps light his
heart arrhythmia's were a weakness
her teeth and her tongue and her lips forged a quiet rebellion
her teeth and her tongue and her lips and his
event horizon minus majestic cosmic reverie of stellar nurseries that
were the last hope and came at her like green beam bomb ready aliens
and her peace signs and her peace signs
befriended the bell bottoms upstairs but not the tyranny of a successor in
stomach covering jeans and earthen gardening gloves with which she
so brutally ripped out a trees roots for knocking her out for giving her a bad look and blocking her view
on the morning all she could do was sip black coffee and imagine
anything
but
nature.

Reviews

[L]

wow a lot going on here. some wicked imagery; a stanza break or two might aid readability, what do you think? Great piece though, truly. You're one of the best WC poets new to me that I've yet encountered. And 18? At 18 I was... well read my bio :)
Oh hey I write music too. One or two of my ballads became songs actually

[Ms. Gruye]

I think you have lots of strong imagery and a good enough sense to employ it well, but I do agree that the line breaks are confusing and detract from all your efforts. An example:

her pupils eat her eyes and swallow the sound of waves
in the yard on a rainy day they
rouge her cheeks meek
influenced by rushing fists
covered as a pavement kiss when

this left me confused and trying to grasp for a concrete image. I am uncertain who "they" is referencing: the pupils, the sound waves, or another they. removing a few unnecessary words and cutting the line after a complete thought would clean it up and give it the "pop" it deserves. One suggestion could be:

her pupils eat her eyes
and swallow sound waves
in the rainy yard they rouge her cheeks meek
influenced by rushing fists
covered as a pavement kiss.