I awoke to the stench of lust and death
spewing from the nearby cadaver of one of the towns many w****s. I most
certainly could not boast an intimate knowledge of the town’s inhabitants, however I believe this particular one went by the name of Claudia. But my
memory failed me when attempting to recollect the situation in which I acquired
the knowledge of this foul succubus’ name. As I did not by nature partake in
the indulging of such animalistic pleasure, lusting only for an air of decorum
to exude from myself. I turned my head towards the ceiling of the basement I
now found myself in, which judging by the size I presumed must have belonged to
one of the larger dwellings in the area. My neck cracked and moderate pain
began to rise from my shoulders to my chin accompanied by the sensation of my
head being pinned down. Forcing my eyes in the direction of my formerly erotic
but presently necrotic ‘friend’.
Following a few moments of reasoning I
concluded the rigor mortis like stiffness was a result of what must have been
hours or even days spent lying on my back upon this cold stone floor. After
dealing with the initial shock of my desperate situation I brought myself,
delicately up, to a seated position. The warm glow of the dim light fixture
that slowly swayed from side to side seemed to calm the pressing panic that I
could tell wanted to fester on this predicament. I frisked myself for my pocket
watch but my heart sunk when my search was cut short by a stabbing pain in my
side.
The agony my body was now in became very
clear to my conscience self. I was too frightened to look down for I knew that
due to the recent confusion and fear, my mind would see the worst. I
immediately threw my eyes around the room. Blood stained tables of a cold stone
that would only ever feel warmth from the liquid life source of its patients. Dreary shelves that hollowed my mood with tools that were clearly used for
dealings of a disturbing nature and so distant from common medicinal practice
that they pressured fear unto their victims, in this case, me.
Grudgingly I peered down at my
abdomen, slowly lifting my shirt to reveal a poorly stitched wound on my belly
where my left kidney is or, more likely, was. The mixed aromas of my mistreated
wound and the porcelain pale abomination that lay next to me, rather suddenly,
forced my body to convulse. Vomit hastily filled my mouth and as my attempts to
swallow it down proved futile it spilled from my lips with immense force. A putrid waterfall filling my cupped hands and overflowing as I tried to catch
it and prevent it from contaminating my wound further. I did my best to hold
back my stomachs unrelenting fury but I was incapable.
I turned my head unintentionally aiming my
flow of escaping insides at the corpse which accompanied me, filling her mouth
and drenching her face. Seeping into what I believe where the empty sockets
once occupied by eyes that had seen too much. Finally after what seemed an
eternity of retching and chocking the ordeal was over. With that out the way I drew my attention
back to my immediate predicament, noticing the sound of footfall from above.
For the first time I began a thought of the
people that had brought me here. I had not seen them but I could tell that
whatever their plans were, I had to stop them. What kind of monsters could do
this to someone? If I want to make it out of here alive I’m going to have to
match their savagery.
Vengeance consumed my mind as I was
overcome with bloodlust. As what must have been my captor drew closer, I took my
place in this theatre of cruelty. Draped in a most profound quiet I waited
patiently for my cue. And there it was, the shock of my disappearance scrawled
across his face.
No sooner had I stepped out from my shadowy
corner than his blood had cleansed my tongue of the taste of vomit, as my teeth
sunk into the back of his neck with all but enough ferocity to severe his
spine. Leaving him motionless on the ground. Screams of agony leapt from his
mouth. Sweet blood curdling screams that almost drove me to orgasm, but it wasn't enough. I pondered my next move for but a moment as his eyes stared at
me. Silently begging for an answer to the question ‘why’. Could it have been
that I had the wrong man? Could my succumbing to guidance of the voice of rage
and anger from within have led to such an injustice?
Well what led to this moment mattered not
for it was no longer an act of vengeance but a pursuit of pleasure. I couldn’t
help but smile as I took one of the loose stones from one of the walls and
begun. My mind was made and nothing could stop me. Well, certainly not the man
that lay in a growing pool of his own violence. There was little doubt left in
me that he did not deserve this, or worse. Weapon in hand I set about crippling
his arms, which I achieved with surprising ease. Then his legs, starting by
bludgeoning each knee ‘til both of them respectively shattered. Then I somewhat
cleverly used this new axis of movement to force him to kick himself in the
crotch creating delightful screams like the sweetest music ever composed.
Unfortunately one of his legs had become
detached during the fun and games and never one to miss an opportunity that so
eagerly presents itself, I used his leg to beat his face. Breaking his nose
after what I would have been proud to say was only a few attempts. I then used my ‘finely crafted weapon’ to dislodge every tooth in his wailing mouth, almost one at a time over the course of the following hour or so. Every so
often I had to rest, and take in my prize. I sat next to the cripple with my
arm wrapped round his shoulder and tried to comfort him. I would remind him
that he will have it lightly in Hell by comparison to my dealings. I would hold
him tightly and reassure that there will be a grand finale. The perfect end to
a perfect, show stopping, start.
After which I became bored of his pain,
well at the very least his physical pain. Mental torture seemed now far more
enticing. So I lifted myself to my feet and turned his tattered face in the
direction of the corpse of the vomit covered w***e. He tried to close his eyes
blocking out all that was to come anticipating my proceeding actions. So
naturally I took the dirtiest looking scalpel I could find from his arrangement
of medical tools and began slowly cutting away his eyelids, using a saw like
motion, ensuring the action was anything but quick.
Once the operation was complete I
unbuttoned my trousers and mounted the corpse politely placing a coin into her
hand before defiling her body, after all, for her, this was merely business.
I’ve never before or since seen such fear and disgust in the eyes of another as
he unwillingly watched this act of horrific necrophilia. I bet he was wishing for his eyes
to dry up and fall out or that the clutch of death to carry him to the ninth
circle of hell, where he would be safe from me.
Amusingly there was no rest, for his
eyes did not fall out and death did not snatch him from me. I was having fun.
And it would not stop until I wanted it to. I thought to myself while staring
down at the pathetic blood drenched shade of life at my feet, could I be on the
cusp of madness, the border of insanity? Was what I had done justified and do I
really care? No! I had to continue. My new-found addiction had not been
adequately nourished.
What I really needed was a new way for my
subject to feel the horror of my mission. A real vent for my blackened soul to
personify its way through pain. I couldn’t think. My mind was too focused on
the joy I had felt from mutilating this wretched man.
Without warning and as quickly as the agony
in my side had gone, it returned and left me on my knees. At this moment I
looked up at the dying man before my eyes and I panicked. I felt it rise
through the entirety of my body, an unrest, anxious, unease working its way
through every nook and cranny of my soul until bursting out me and filling the
air. I had to leave.
I sharply rose to my feet and found a clean
bandage to cover my wound. As I was leaving I stepped over the wriggling pool
of distain beneath me and was stopped dead in my tracks to hear one simple word
that crushed my heart. ‘Skylar’. My face dropped down to meet the eyes of the
source of the word. It was his last.
I had to move; in doing so I found my way
to the bathroom where I was able to wash my hands and face, all that time just
one word was ringing around my head. I screamed for it to stop but it wouldn’t
leave where it shouldn’t have been, I had killed a husband.
I hastily found my belongings and
left the house of the dammed. The first light of the fresh summer morning stung
my eyes and the air filled my lungs upon the smallest of breaths. The
uneducated squalor of townspeople drowned my ears and the smell of rotten flesh
and a horrid mix of death and decay still clung close to my nose. Many years to
come from now I will be put before Him and deemed unworthy of entry to His
palace, I will be cast down and forced to endure pain far greater than what I
had so recently dealt. But right now I did not care, I was comfortable with
what I had done and all I
could think about was that name and leaving town.
Every vile inch of my body commanded
me to run but I disobeyed for doing so would express a guilt I’m sure I would
have felt if I was still but a man. I was not in any sense on par with the Gods
but no longer did I fear their wrath. This brought with it feelings of freedom
but also of loneliness. My path was no longer chartered by the stars but guided
by my own will and sick perversions. The once narrow streets now seemed wide as
if the very walls and buildings that contained me now feared me, keeping their
distance. Where was I headed? I was unsure but the further I got from the house
the quieter the echo’s of the name Skylar. Why and how did it persevere against
every effort to forget and eradicate it from my memory?
My
doubts that anyone was really looking at me did not put to rest the feeling of
their eyes upon me, however I grew calmer as I neared the edge of town and the
voice of my first victim grew quieter. Still though I feared it would never
truly leave me. Was this my curse or maybe my reward? I abandoned my muse on
the matter for answers to such questions often present themselves in time. I
stood now at the start of the road which led to where ever I wished. With my back
to the tired town, which I would everlastingly remember as the place where
‘she’ broke my heart, I walked...
Although I did have complications with your intricate phrasing and prolonged sentences, you have brought a smile to my face with this gruesome chapter (god, how mentally-disturbed of a kid am I?). I suggest going over this chapter once again, adding a bit more commas, periods, and apostrophes as necessary. Keep in mind that adding an apostrophe reveals ownership; you have many errors regarding this matter.
Heeding attention to concept and being story-wise now, I found this chapter intriguing. What punishments does your protagonist face in the near future (or shall I say; closer past? Hehe)? Another thought, should not the poor man have fainted of blood loss or too much pain by the time, as you say, you started to make the stranger kick himself in the crotch using a disfigured leg? I'm not sure, I'm just troubled at this fact. Nonetheless, you have pieced your vague (I mean that in a good way) book quite interestingly, and I look forward to reading more.
Thank you :) And no problem :) We will be looking over quite a lot soon. However this story is writt.. read moreThank you :) And no problem :) We will be looking over quite a lot soon. However this story is written from the main characters point of view with him actually narrating it. With that in mind it's not that weird if he was to exaggerate some situations, especially ones that he may have issues remembering. I feel that his account of the completely unrealistic torture just magnifies his insanity and curious perception of reality.
12 Years Ago
That makes much more sense now that I ponder of it.
Although I did have complications with your intricate phrasing and prolonged sentences, you have brought a smile to my face with this gruesome chapter (god, how mentally-disturbed of a kid am I?). I suggest going over this chapter once again, adding a bit more commas, periods, and apostrophes as necessary. Keep in mind that adding an apostrophe reveals ownership; you have many errors regarding this matter.
Heeding attention to concept and being story-wise now, I found this chapter intriguing. What punishments does your protagonist face in the near future (or shall I say; closer past? Hehe)? Another thought, should not the poor man have fainted of blood loss or too much pain by the time, as you say, you started to make the stranger kick himself in the crotch using a disfigured leg? I'm not sure, I'm just troubled at this fact. Nonetheless, you have pieced your vague (I mean that in a good way) book quite interestingly, and I look forward to reading more.
Thank you :) And no problem :) We will be looking over quite a lot soon. However this story is writt.. read moreThank you :) And no problem :) We will be looking over quite a lot soon. However this story is written from the main characters point of view with him actually narrating it. With that in mind it's not that weird if he was to exaggerate some situations, especially ones that he may have issues remembering. I feel that his account of the completely unrealistic torture just magnifies his insanity and curious perception of reality.
12 Years Ago
That makes much more sense now that I ponder of it.
ive gotten this far in yinz writing careers and I must say, though this type of writing isn't my normal genre, I like where its headed, story line wise. Description is simply excellent as is imagery. gruesome yes, but I like gruesome so for me its perfect! nice work, I'll be reading the rest at a later date :)
“however” goes in between commas, just a minor remark (not that I am very skillful at punctuation).
Again, sentence longer than 3 (maximum 4 in very few cases) lines is bad. No matter how pretty or geniously forged, it’s a bad sentence, especially surrounded by other complex sentences. And yes I will continue to harp about it every time I encounter it. It bugs me, and the other readers judging by the comments. (from chapter one) And it’s not about mainstreaming or commercialism or anything like that, it’s about over usage. And I am not critiquing the whole of the chapters/style. Just the beginnings. Lead your reader into your story gently; don’t slam them in the face with its complexity, if you get my drift.
“began a thought” haven’t really encountered in such usage, so I’d personally go for “began thinking,” but it might be just me.
Don’t suddenly switch to present tense. I don’t find it terribly necessary and therefore it’s better to keep in the general tense of the narrative – past.
I am not sure if your protagonist is a normal human or some supernatural being just yet, I just wanted to note that severing someone’s spine with ones bear teeth is kind of unlikely. Also humans tend to pass out because of pain so if you shatter their limbs and they do not die immediately of shock and blood loss they will most certainly lose consciousness. And if they survive the hours of teeth breaking, which is unlikely, they will choke on their own blood.
Also again I don’t know if the protagonist is a human or not, yet, but a regular human would pass out after too long physical activity if he has been operated on. Adrenalin buzz can give him strength but it won’t last for hours.
No matter how much your style is about description or complexity you need balance. You can allow yourself to go on prolonged description narrative but you still need to balance that out with action. However, I find the third chapter (chapter two a cording to your marking) well-paced and well balanced, and if your story continues like this, the previous two are overlookable.
Also don’t understand my harshness as a sign that I don’t like/enjoy your style of writing. (although your story is a bit too gory for my taste and you should probably put it on mature rating) I do like the style, it is much better than most of the stuff you see around here. And that is precisely why I feel obliged to point out things that bug me.
Okay again thank you for your review :) I will take into consideration certain aspects of what you s.. read moreOkay again thank you for your review :) I will take into consideration certain aspects of what you said but I think it's kind of pointless to talk about issues to do with his strength etc when you said yourself that you are not sure whether he is supernatural. Also "“began a thought” haven’t really encountered in such usage, so I’d personally go for “began thinking,” but it might be just me." this is certainly just you. Just because you haven't seen a term being used doesn't make it wrong. This is a creative art and I don't think we should be limited to only the things used before us. Additionally, this is a rough and can be easily edited. I like that you have a lot of advice to give, but if you wanted to give me writing lessons then you can mail me. Thank you again.
12 Years Ago
*draft
12 Years Ago
Oh and also it never says that the victims spine is severed. It says all but severed.
uh...almost puked there. I don't think I can read any more of this book if there's more of these kinds of chapters. Very descriptive. You're a incredible writer. Remember that you're trying to make a story, not multiple. I as the reader have no idea what time it is, how he became so in love then upset then angry that he had to kill that gruesomely. If I don't notice the quotations at the top I couldn't even tell if it's the same person that you're talking about. Try to link the chapters and set a barrier of where this all takes place. Again maybe in a little while I'll read the rest.
Posted 12 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
12 Years Ago
Okay duly noted :) Thank you for reading it :) And this is the only chapter like this so the worst i.. read moreOkay duly noted :) Thank you for reading it :) And this is the only chapter like this so the worst is behind you haha :D
gruesome in beautiful words, a thrilling chapter. i was almost breathless because there were no stop(again some paragraph tend to be too long but then again i think its your style now i see..its much lesser than the first so its all good).
The friend that I am writing this with and I are discussing whether or not to have any dialogue in t.. read moreThe friend that I am writing this with and I are discussing whether or not to have any dialogue in the story at all and I think we won't be having any :P We prefer to let the scenery and situation talk for itself :) But thank you any way :)
A amazing chapter. Open with question and mystery and got better. I like the attitude of the main character.
"I was not in any sense on par with the Gods but no longer did I fear their wrath. This brought with it feelings of freedom but also of loneliness. "
The description and the story held me to the last words. Thank you for the outstanding poem.
Coyote
I suffer from a multiple personality disorder. It had been a major setback most of my younger life but Ive found that I enjoy collaborating my writing with my other me´s. Ive been told its actua.. more..