The Dream, Part One

Nero's adventure into the mind of a madman.

The Dream, Part One

 

Rain bellowed down upon me, slowly clotting its way through the fabric of my clothing. Causing it to grow heavy like the weight that had for so long found refuge upon my weary shoulders. I tried with all conceivable sections and pathways of my mind to forget a pain so profound and durable that it had shaped its way into something tangible, something with a texture and a frame. 

A pain only comparable to that of losing my lover to the cold grip of death’s warm embrace, but magnified by the realisation that I chose this burden.  The shivers that formed from the depth of my soul, upon these thoughts, gestured me handily back to my senses. Allowing me to regain sight of my surroundings.

The night sky was lit with the broken remnants of a fragile masquerade of the stars’ luminescent foreplay. Which now only serves as a reminder of the former insignificance to the universe for which I now long. The mask of a noticeably bleak and dull expression clung with a bitter hand to the earth, filling this tragic dawn with a frequency of sorrow too low to consciously account for. The trees stood lonesome and forced themselves to impose a sharp feeling of desperation and creeping panic. Hollow tombs wrapped lightly with thick velvet sheets that seemed as if to mock my every attempt to thin the atmosphere. Despite my fears I forced myself onward deeper into this garden of the deceased, where she now resides with the rest.

Strangled by a lack of words, as the chilling air steals the breath from my lungs like our first kiss, I stumble towards a particular piece of masonry. Nothing in this feeble existence is of any importance to me. Other than to physically and spiritually let my body be thrown to the impatient claws of grief. I fall down on my knees and present what’s left of my tormented and distorted excuse of a soul before my love.

Author's Note

Another new one :) Hope you like, Please review :D I'd like to hear what you think

Reviews

[Tai Ryens]

I tend to get lost in the metaphors and intricate adjectives you use here (could be that I am only in my youth), but I enjoyed it. Your phrasing makes it difficult to concentrate, for instance: one second, I am lost in the dream with the protagonist (or at least I assume so) with heavy clothes and gloomy skies, then a well-thought out metaphor continues on and I am lost in my own thoughts about many more poetry lines and metaphors it reminds me of in place of your writing. I would suggest toning down the complex style, unless of course you are aiming for a poetic book.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

I think it will indeed be considered a poetic book. We felt that with the effort and time we are putting into creating it, why not have the reader take time to understand the emotions we are trying to convey. I could go into a philosophy lesson on it but I'll save you that haha :)

[Tai Ryens]

No need for a lesson; I'm well educated on that concept.

[Starshyne52]

I like the description of clawed grief.. it can feel like that sometimes..like u are a squirrel being carried off punctured by that predator.. very nice

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) I'm glad you understand it

[Eiades]

Another good chapter. I'll have to read on a bit more, as I'm not entirely sure what's going on besides a lot of sorrow.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Keep in mind this says Dream and for now you arent meant to know too much. :D Thanks for reading though

[Mary Evans]

While metaphors and pretty descriptions are nice and all overusing them, much like sugar, is bad. What I am trying to say you really need some simple, down to earth, prose somewhere in between the overcomplicated structures.

Final verdict, pretty but difficult to follow. Also same thing I said last review, sometimes going for the simple descriptions/wording is better than weaving long passages of complex prose.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you again, but instead of believing that there is issues with the writing, I think it may just not be for you :) I understand that I overuse adjectives and metaphors but that is genuinely the style.

[Heromen Selena]

......speechless. Utterly speechless. oh wait......I see that "dream" is tagged. Could this be true?? Reading on!!!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Haha Not sure what you mean but thank you :) The next chapter is a little brutal but please don't be deterred by it :) The others are fine

[Heromen Selena]

Oops too late :/ and it was my feeble hope that the pain would be a dream like it didn't actually happen. I'll let my stomach settle and read more later. Excellent job with the details in that chapter.

[T. Logan]

I like the comparison between the air and the kiss. This is interesting.

[Pax]

your vocabolary amaze me. like i said in the first chapter you used your words like a poem do. one thing though if this is a story i should take the advice of someone in the first chapter..they said some of your paragraph tends to be too long, and i think they're right about it, and you should cut them down by dot not by commas. all in all it was really entertaining like a poem does.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) I will take into account what everyone has said

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the language being used in the poem. Felt like a tale written with a classic feel. The description create good vision and I like the location and the ending.
"Nothing in this feeble existence is of any importance to me, other than to physically and spiritually let my body be thrown to the impatient claws of grief."
A strong ending to a excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Talismanic]

'the impatient claws of grief' and 'my tormeted and distorted excuse of a soul' Holy wow those last lines:D

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

heheh :) glad you liked it :)

[ewest1220]

I agree with everyone below. You have a very poetic tone and I really love where the story is going. Great work!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you to you and everyone that has reviewed this so far :)