Chapter One, The Sighting

Nero's adventure into the mind of a madman.

Chapter One

The Sighting

 

Overcome with a sensation of nervous pleasure, never before felt, in the pit of my stomach as I, for the first time, was blessed with the entrancing sight of the girl who at the time I could only describe as an angel. But I would later come to understand as something far greater and far more divine. Blood flushed to my cheeks as she gracefully floated past me. I was overjoyed and ecstatic beyond anything I had previously experienced and all my doubts considering love at first sight seemed to drift away when I laid my eyes upon her. If she had taken even a split second of her time to glance at me as she passed me, my heart would most certainly have stopped.

I couldn’t let go of the heavenly trail of fragrance she so majestically left behind her as she moved. Even after she had left I still felt young. I was consumed by happiness and under a spell. I was trapped by her beauty and freed by the one thing I now longed for more than anything imaginable. Her acceptance.

Any duties to which I should have attended would have to wait. For now I was blind to all but this girl who was, in essence, as much a mystery as the universe she inhabited. Yet so very familiar to me like the scent of shame to which I had grown accustomed over the past few seasons. Hit with the realisation she had left me stunned, wrapped in deep contemplation for a number of minutes, I began my pursuit. 

The pace of my feet quickened in tune with that of my heart. Warmed by the light of a dawn of new perception of existence like a dark veil ascending from its perch upon a portrait of Madam Recamier, I gave chase with a subtle attempt to follow the path delicately carved by this Goddess. I wondered if the Heavens would truly favour a heathen such as myself on this day or if their intention was to merely taunt me by gifting me only with the brief glimpse of what was now my passion. A passion fuelling every natural instinct, compromising all rational thought, nourishing a dæmon capable of conjuring desires most un-gentlemanlike. As unlikely as it seemed the Gods for once smiled upon me. Her scent again filled my lungs, I was close.

The morning dew stuck to my shoes as I shuffled through the harmless blades of grass. For the first time in my life I had but one simple thought that came to mind. To be with the one person whose glimpse had so infatuated me and suddenly adjusted my beliefs on love. My life had meaning. Once again my feet and heart had stopped.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. She was standing no more than thirty feet from my restless and exhausted body. Startled by her beauty, little beads of sweat formed on my flustered face as I mustered the courage to exchange pleasantries with her. My imagination surprises me with sounds of her sweet voice gently kissing my ears and the touch of her soft hands sliding into mine as we fly freely away from the buzzing hubbub. We live long, happy lives together, hovering outside the realms of reality, doing as we please.

At this point I snapped myself back into my exited and star struck frame and realised that I had placed one too many feet ahead of myself. By chance I landed face to face with the Goddess I had been searching for all my life. Before I had time to shyly allow myself words, she so easily turned her angle and pushed past me without so much as an "excuse me". In no time at all she was gone again, wandering through the thick maze of hustling shoulders. I lost her.

I fondled my chest feeling for the gaping chasm left from having my heart ripped from me by this single act of rudeness. I couldn't forgive my useless self. I was immediately plunged into self hatred. A thick oily sludge crawled down my skin, blocking the outside world. I gagged unable to draw breath as though the air had followed her out of my life, leaving me to suffocate. I was drowning under the thick veil of my own agonising self loathing that was slowly slumping over the earth and painfully extinguishing the awing light she effortlessly evoked from the atmosphere, granting that dreaded darkness entry to my soul.

As the darkness crept into every inch of my body my mind crept out allowing the scene which surrounded me to fade away with all my newly discovered hope. I collapsed to my own feet, and from above I watched the morbid crowd stare in disarray as my body was lifted, ever so kindly, away.

Author's Note

Even more edits and what not :) Hopefully getting better

Reviews

[Lizbeth]

This was a an interesting flight of fantasy into a world of what might be and sudden landing into the world of reality. However in the first and part of the second paragraphs the sentences are extremely long and it would be better to break these into shorter ones. Later, it becomes easier to read.
Loved the sentence: "The morning dew stuck to my shoes as I shuffled through the harmless blades of grass."
Few typos and suggested corrections : excited, star-struck. I would put the "Exccuse me!" in quotation marks, even though she never said those two small words.
Again, in the last paragraph the long sentences tend to hamper the flow a little, i.e., "A thick ... could perhaps be shortenned a bit, there is possibly a bit too much imagery.
Thanks for sharing
Lizbeth

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you for your help :) I also thought this about the sentences. I consider these as a first draft and there will be much improvement :)

[Lizbeth]

A pleasure ...

[Talismanic]

'I mustered the courage to exchange pleasantries with her. My imagination surprise(d)me - I am going to fly. I hear the sound of her sweet voice gently kissing my ears. I feel the touch of her soft hands sliding into mine. We sail the air freely, away from the buzzing hubbub we live long, happy lives together, hovering outside the realms of reality, doing as we please. At this point I snapped back...' Love the bungee-cord to reality:) See if you like any of the suggestions above; it's supposed to be this dream gains momentum and then... plug's pulled... No matter how many people bulk at descriptive sentences a paragraph long and say you should break them up, I really like the style and this sort of writing really needs it for a manically poetic voice:)

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) I believe the long sentences and paragraphs are almost just the style of the writing. I'm not sure whether or not to change that.

[ewest1220]

Very interesting.... I would however recommend shortening up the paragraphs. I small detail and not one that really detracts from the overal story. A very good beginning can't wait to read more!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) And youll find that issue with most of my work the now haha but it's not a difficult task to fix so the corrections should be up soon

[ewest1220]

Awesome can't wait to see the finished product!

[Dean Kuch®]

I love the vivid images and the light and airy atmosphere you've painted on the canvas of this story. It reminded me of chasing butterflies on a warm autumn day. Fantasy is a very hard genre to write. It's even more difficult to create as good a one as you have done here...Amazing!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) you've made my day

[Dean Kuch®]

The pleasure was all mine...

[Rhea752]

the descriptions are beautiful. the story is pretty good so far. I wonder who the "goddess" might be. :) great job!!!

[♪The Girl Next Do..]

Oooooh. I like this. It's like you put together what every girl wants to hear. Excellent!

[Tattered Teddy]

Mmmmm nice. I do like this, agree though that paragraphs should be shorter so it does not "run together" but such good imagery!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you

[Xerclipse]

Your writing is very fantasy like. There is alot of imagery like the other reviewers say. I hope i can read more later on and see whats in Nero's mind

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you, There is plenty more to come :)

[Rox Bain ☮]

"I was consumed by happiness and under a spell, I was trapped by her beauty and freed by the one thing I now longed for more than anything imaginable, her acceptance."
I found this line to be very satisfying, so much so, that I found myself reading it over and over...
There is only one critique I can make - some of the sentences are a bit long. this made it a little hard to grasp what you were saying. I think it may also be because of the large font size.

Apart from this, WELL DONE! I love your writing technique and the way you convey your message.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you, I am pleased to see so many people are enjoying this :D And your criticism is duly noted and changes will be made.

[Sylvana]

The way you worded the detail in this was poetic for me. I had to read it a couple of times to make sense of what I had just read-- which is definitely not a bad thing! I have to do the same with Shakespeare and Poe.
I am truly fascinated in this and your writing style, I will be reading more!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :)

[Minatsuki]

Wow. Whoa. This is beautiful. I don't know what else to say, I'm in awe.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) I appreciate it :D