Chapter One, The Sighting

Nero's adventure into the mind of a madman.

Chapter One

The Sighting

 

Overcome with a sensation of nervous pleasure, never before felt, in the pit of my stomach as I, for the first time, was blessed with the entrancing sight of the girl who at the time I could only describe as an angel. But I would later come to understand as something far greater and far more divine. Blood flushed to my cheeks as she gracefully floated past me. I was overjoyed and ecstatic beyond anything I had previously experienced and all my doubts considering love at first sight seemed to drift away when I laid my eyes upon her. If she had taken even a split second of her time to glance at me as she passed me, my heart would most certainly have stopped.

I couldn’t let go of the heavenly trail of fragrance she so majestically left behind her as she moved. Even after she had left I still felt young. I was consumed by happiness and under a spell. I was trapped by her beauty and freed by the one thing I now longed for more than anything imaginable. Her acceptance.

Any duties to which I should have attended would have to wait. For now I was blind to all but this girl who was, in essence, as much a mystery as the universe she inhabited. Yet so very familiar to me like the scent of shame to which I had grown accustomed over the past few seasons. Hit with the realisation she had left me stunned, wrapped in deep contemplation for a number of minutes, I began my pursuit. 

The pace of my feet quickened in tune with that of my heart. Warmed by the light of a dawn of new perception of existence like a dark veil ascending from its perch upon a portrait of Madam Recamier, I gave chase with a subtle attempt to follow the path delicately carved by this Goddess. I wondered if the Heavens would truly favour a heathen such as myself on this day or if their intention was to merely taunt me by gifting me only with the brief glimpse of what was now my passion. A passion fuelling every natural instinct, compromising all rational thought, nourishing a dæmon capable of conjuring desires most un-gentlemanlike. As unlikely as it seemed the Gods for once smiled upon me. Her scent again filled my lungs, I was close.

The morning dew stuck to my shoes as I shuffled through the harmless blades of grass. For the first time in my life I had but one simple thought that came to mind. To be with the one person whose glimpse had so infatuated me and suddenly adjusted my beliefs on love. My life had meaning. Once again my feet and heart had stopped.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. She was standing no more than thirty feet from my restless and exhausted body. Startled by her beauty, little beads of sweat formed on my flustered face as I mustered the courage to exchange pleasantries with her. My imagination surprises me with sounds of her sweet voice gently kissing my ears and the touch of her soft hands sliding into mine as we fly freely away from the buzzing hubbub. We live long, happy lives together, hovering outside the realms of reality, doing as we please.

At this point I snapped myself back into my exited and star struck frame and realised that I had placed one too many feet ahead of myself. By chance I landed face to face with the Goddess I had been searching for all my life. Before I had time to shyly allow myself words, she so easily turned her angle and pushed past me without so much as an "excuse me". In no time at all she was gone again, wandering through the thick maze of hustling shoulders. I lost her.

I fondled my chest feeling for the gaping chasm left from having my heart ripped from me by this single act of rudeness. I couldn't forgive my useless self. I was immediately plunged into self hatred. A thick oily sludge crawled down my skin, blocking the outside world. I gagged unable to draw breath as though the air had followed her out of my life, leaving me to suffocate. I was drowning under the thick veil of my own agonising self loathing that was slowly slumping over the earth and painfully extinguishing the awing light she effortlessly evoked from the atmosphere, granting that dreaded darkness entry to my soul.

As the darkness crept into every inch of my body my mind crept out allowing the scene which surrounded me to fade away with all my newly discovered hope. I collapsed to my own feet, and from above I watched the morbid crowd stare in disarray as my body was lifted, ever so kindly, away.

Author's Note

Even more edits and what not :) Hopefully getting better

Reviews

[Lizbeth]

This was a an interesting flight of fantasy into a world of what might be and sudden landing into the world of reality. However in the first and part of the second paragraphs the sentences are extremely long and it would be better to break these into shorter ones. Later, it becomes easier to read.
Loved the sentence: "The morning dew stuck to my shoes as I shuffled through the harmless blades of grass."
Few typos and suggested corrections : excited, star-struck. I would put the "Exccuse me!" in quotation marks, even though she never said those two small words.
Again, in the last paragraph the long sentences tend to hamper the flow a little, i.e., "A thick ... could perhaps be shortenned a bit, there is possibly a bit too much imagery.
Thanks for sharing
Lizbeth

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you for your help :) I also thought this about the sentences. I consider these as a first draft and there will be much improvement :)

[Lizbeth]

A pleasure ...

[Crimson Bayonet]

Amazing, that's all I have to say :D

[:DI laugh too much:D]

Wow, this was really powerful. The descriptions of the character's feelings were really organized and well-elaborated. Nothing about this felt rushed, it was like reading a real novel.

Awesome job! :]

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) It's weird to hear people say that considering the way my friend and I wrote it :) But it's nice thank you.

[Timeless-Chan]

really interesting start! for sure nice insight on the character and just how he(i'm asuming its a he and all) thinks and acts. Nice peek at the feelings for love at first sight also:) good job!

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) And yeah Nero's a "He" :D haha

[Timeless-Chan]

lol alright i thought i'd just make sure:P:P:

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I think you definitely have the beginning of a good story here. You have no lack of imagination, and your writing demonstrates that you know how to lead the reader into the story.

You seem to welcome helpful review, so I will offer the following:

I very much agree with other reviewers, that some of the sentences are too long. That tends to overwhelm the reader. A bit of paring down and/or breaking with punctuation, would keep the pace of that more manageable. In the parts where you want to show the excitement the main character is experiencing, shorter sentences would enhance the feeling of suspense.

In my opinion, there are a lot of adjectives that could be omitted with no sacrifice to the story.

EX: "In no time at all she was gone again, wandering through the thick maze of hustling shoulders.
I lost her."
"thick maze of hustling shoulders" why not just "maze of hustling shoulders"? Just an example.
In contrast, that last sentence in the quote is a good example of the short sentences I was referring to "I lost her." It clips and in that we feel the thud of it. Hope this helps.


The only other thing that I stumbled on was the "harmless blades of grass" - I could understand this if he was running through some "deadly" things, or if there was some reason to include the adjective. Maybe it's just me, but that is one adjective I think could be omitted.

This is filled with some wonderful images and lines. It is a great beginning. As a reader, I want to know more. My suggestions are in no way meant to discourage you. They are given only because I see much promise in your work. With some attention to the detail of editing, you can have something here that will shine.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you very much :) I will do my best to improve it as soon as I can :)

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I will look forward to seeing where it goes. :)

[T. Logan]

Heartbreak right away! Sad, but really pretty!

[tayla timpano]

I like the sense of imagery we get straight away, and you write so well! I also really like the last sentence, I don't know what it is about it but I like it :)

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) I like that line too hehe

[Eiades]

Your imagery is very well written, but I agree with other reviewers in that a lot of your sentences are too long, and at times were a bit distracting. I do like what I read, and look forward to reading the rest.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A very interesting opening chapter. I like the description and the struggle. I like the desire to face the Goddess and how you ended the chapter. No weakness in the opening chapter. I wanted to know more. A excellent opening chapter.
Coyote

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

thank you :) I am happy to see so many people enjoying this :)

[Pax]

wow, i like the flow of images used so smoothly that it makes a great poem. an interesting approach..i like it..keep it up

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :D

[Archia]

I was left after reading this with just a sense of... I don't know, but it's something amazing. I even muttered the last line aloud which I never do, so that means it was great. Just that one word 'away' just away...and I can't find the right words to put to it, but please take it as something great. I love the vividness of the feelings and it makes me feel like I know so much about him, yet really nothing at all. This was a great first chapter, and it's certianly gotten me.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you so much :)