Chapter One, The Sighting

Nero's adventure into the mind of a madman.

Chapter One

The Sighting

 

Overcome with a sensation of nervous pleasure, never before felt, in the pit of my stomach as I, for the first time, was blessed with the entrancing sight of the girl who at the time I could only describe as an angel. But I would later come to understand as something far greater and far more divine. Blood flushed to my cheeks as she gracefully floated past me. I was overjoyed and ecstatic beyond anything I had previously experienced and all my doubts considering love at first sight seemed to drift away when I laid my eyes upon her. If she had taken even a split second of her time to glance at me as she passed me, my heart would most certainly have stopped.

I couldn’t let go of the heavenly trail of fragrance she so majestically left behind her as she moved. Even after she had left I still felt young. I was consumed by happiness and under a spell. I was trapped by her beauty and freed by the one thing I now longed for more than anything imaginable. Her acceptance.

Any duties to which I should have attended would have to wait. For now I was blind to all but this girl who was, in essence, as much a mystery as the universe she inhabited. Yet so very familiar to me like the scent of shame to which I had grown accustomed over the past few seasons. Hit with the realisation she had left me stunned, wrapped in deep contemplation for a number of minutes, I began my pursuit. 

The pace of my feet quickened in tune with that of my heart. Warmed by the light of a dawn of new perception of existence like a dark veil ascending from its perch upon a portrait of Madam Recamier, I gave chase with a subtle attempt to follow the path delicately carved by this Goddess. I wondered if the Heavens would truly favour a heathen such as myself on this day or if their intention was to merely taunt me by gifting me only with the brief glimpse of what was now my passion. A passion fuelling every natural instinct, compromising all rational thought, nourishing a dæmon capable of conjuring desires most un-gentlemanlike. As unlikely as it seemed the Gods for once smiled upon me. Her scent again filled my lungs, I was close.

The morning dew stuck to my shoes as I shuffled through the harmless blades of grass. For the first time in my life I had but one simple thought that came to mind. To be with the one person whose glimpse had so infatuated me and suddenly adjusted my beliefs on love. My life had meaning. Once again my feet and heart had stopped.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. She was standing no more than thirty feet from my restless and exhausted body. Startled by her beauty, little beads of sweat formed on my flustered face as I mustered the courage to exchange pleasantries with her. My imagination surprises me with sounds of her sweet voice gently kissing my ears and the touch of her soft hands sliding into mine as we fly freely away from the buzzing hubbub. We live long, happy lives together, hovering outside the realms of reality, doing as we please.

At this point I snapped myself back into my exited and star struck frame and realised that I had placed one too many feet ahead of myself. By chance I landed face to face with the Goddess I had been searching for all my life. Before I had time to shyly allow myself words, she so easily turned her angle and pushed past me without so much as an "excuse me". In no time at all she was gone again, wandering through the thick maze of hustling shoulders. I lost her.

I fondled my chest feeling for the gaping chasm left from having my heart ripped from me by this single act of rudeness. I couldn't forgive my useless self. I was immediately plunged into self hatred. A thick oily sludge crawled down my skin, blocking the outside world. I gagged unable to draw breath as though the air had followed her out of my life, leaving me to suffocate. I was drowning under the thick veil of my own agonising self loathing that was slowly slumping over the earth and painfully extinguishing the awing light she effortlessly evoked from the atmosphere, granting that dreaded darkness entry to my soul.

As the darkness crept into every inch of my body my mind crept out allowing the scene which surrounded me to fade away with all my newly discovered hope. I collapsed to my own feet, and from above I watched the morbid crowd stare in disarray as my body was lifted, ever so kindly, away.

Author's Note

Even more edits and what not :) Hopefully getting better

Reviews

[Lizbeth]

This was a an interesting flight of fantasy into a world of what might be and sudden landing into the world of reality. However in the first and part of the second paragraphs the sentences are extremely long and it would be better to break these into shorter ones. Later, it becomes easier to read.
Loved the sentence: "The morning dew stuck to my shoes as I shuffled through the harmless blades of grass."
Few typos and suggested corrections : excited, star-struck. I would put the "Exccuse me!" in quotation marks, even though she never said those two small words.
Again, in the last paragraph the long sentences tend to hamper the flow a little, i.e., "A thick ... could perhaps be shortenned a bit, there is possibly a bit too much imagery.
Thanks for sharing
Lizbeth

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you for your help :) I also thought this about the sentences. I consider these as a first draft and there will be much improvement :)

[Lizbeth]

A pleasure ...

[Mary Evans]

Your first sentence is too long and over-complicated. Also you begin with a verb and your subject comes in way too late and by the time the reader reaches it he/she has to go back and read it again to get the links and, in general, what is going on. Usually you’d like to avoid sentences longer than 3 lines and complex structures as a whole, and you seem to be using such quite a bit. Start slow, take your time and simplify your writing. I saw that you insist on style and if you wish to go for long and witty structures you can forge them when you are on the editing phase, but for now keep it simple and easy to understand. You just don’t wish your readers to have to reread something in order to get it, it drives them away. You can allow yourself to do it here and there but never in the beginning. Also you should be ready to make personal sacrifices in writing for the sake of the reader.

Also “as,” be careful with the “as” structures, every time you form one ask yourself do you really need it, and can you go without it, if yes, get rid of it.
And you are a bit too descriptive about how stunned the main character was by the girl. While beautiful and poetic and all, sometimes subtlety and fewer words are what really strikes the reader. Just be careful not to repeat yourself and over paint the picture, so to say.

As I said overall the language and style is nice, I would advise, however, to slip in some actual surroundings and actions as you are focusing too much on your character’s inner world, feelings, vision, desires etc. What you should be aiming for is a balance between real and inner world, (action and description) otherwise it just gets too abstract, which isn’t bad but you really need something the reader can follow.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

I like that you took the time to review it in that manner and I'm happy to hear your point of view, but with a couple of issues, I disagree. I'm not saying it's the style for the sake of an excuse, the writing starts like this and a lot of the time I have to edit to shorten it, not vice versa. Also the personalized manner that this is written is the point in this story, I am not going to change so that this turns out to be what people expect a book to be like. Lastly, the "style" of this book requires extensive description. I am willing to sacrifice the layout or grammar but the rest is up to the reader. I am not trying to write something commercial for everyone to love, I am writing to the people that like the way it's written. If I'm writing to anyone at all. But I must thank you for sharing this :) I am willing to listen to peoples viewpoints

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

Yeah, those are some interesting points, but it's the very thing that are pointed out that make the writing stand out from all the boring fiction that follows the rules..I love the overly obsessed mind that awkwardly and poetically and loquaciously muses..to tighten the language would be to stab it in the face

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) I agree with you completely

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

yeah, didn't mean to be too scathing about it, but it's def my viewpoint, and more importantly, yours

[kt.i.suppose]

I loved this(: you can definitely expect me to be reading more. There were quite a few rather extended sentences though I will say.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) And feel free hehe

[anne p. murray- LadeeAn..]

You definitely have a very creative flair for writing. You have an excellent imagination and collaborate it well with your use of the english language. As writers, we can receive many different forms of feedback. Some of those, albeit with all good intentions seem to want to change "us" into "them" . It's always good to read & evaluate other's views, utilizing those that honestly help to improve your work as long as you keep in mind, that the most important thing is to be yourself. I myself, would only change one thing in your delightful writing. That would be to leave out some of the commas and instead make them into another sentence. It allows the reader a break between overly long sentences, which allow him to better absorb their meanings

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

I see your point :) I am pretty sure so far that the opinions of these other people won't change my writing. I will take on technical issues like grammar or spelling. Which means I'll have a look at what I can do about the sentences, but there is a good chance I won't change many if any of them :) Thank you for the review though :D I appreciate it

[Aislinn]

I hate to be the one to say this. Your style of writing works for you and other people can understand it. But for me, I feel overwhelmed. I think that it has a lot more to do with formatting than anything else, but I find it difficult to get past the psychological block. The sentences are long. The paragraphs look big. I can't honestly remember what it is that I just read. For me it doesn't work. If you like it, go with it. Just don't expect me to be able to keep up.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Fair enough :) Actually nice to see a review about someone not liking it :) gives credibility to the people that did :) Thank you

[TawnyBlueStar]

you have such a great way with words :D love the description!
excellent start to your story :D

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you, I'm glad you like it

[Debbie_Philly]

I really like this....it showed so much emotion and I really felt his pain as he so wanted acceptance and in the end was so intensely dismissed.... I really felt for him.... its good to get your readers to feel for the characters.... great job

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you

[Heromen Selena]

Well, I didn't see the paragraphs before they were changed, but the long sentences you've been using can be made into two different sentence at least. They're fine as a once in a while thing, but if you keep using that style then you have to be careful not to forget about it. They seem fine here because of the description you used. I sort of like the way you write. Ahhh I have to read more. :)

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) And because its a style I doubt we'll forget about it :D Hope you enjoy the other chapters and hopefully we'll have the sixth chapter up today :)

[marie]

love the story a great way to start a story:)

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :) Hope you like the rest of it :D

[marie]

me too:)

[Pencrafter]

Your story is colorful with good scene descriptions. I would have liked to have seen a little more of the main character's description, but that's not critical at this point. You could always fill that in later as the story progresses. It's an interesting start.

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

Thank you :)

[kublakhan27]

I'd need more time to digest this and go through the rest of it (busy and wore out) but it sounds like a unique story, and poetic as well :)

[Thomas Reilly Thornhill]

No problemo :) Take as long as you need :) Thank you

[kublakhan27]

No problem :)