[Insert Cliche Title That Relates To The Themes and Symbols Within the Story]

Something you've probably never read before but who knows.

The mundane activities of humanity have been keeping originality at bay since the dawn of time. There is so much to learn and explore but so little time in our lifespans to do it. So why waste my time writing about two people who fall in love, or the underdog exceeding standards, or literally anything else that you've already seen repeated throughout every movie ever made...when i could write something completely original. So here begins the Most Original Story Based on Completely False Events That Would Never Happen and Most Likely Don't Make Sense (featuring: Bad Spelling/Grammar) 

Tomorrow it is planned that there will be a robbery in times square at the little shop that sells pastries. A woman named Emma is targeting this shop because she knows that business has been slow and that the owners will probably struggle a lot if she robs them, and also because the shop is named "Little Folly Cannoli's" which is kind of annoying in her opinion. She plans on strapping a fake bomb and a bag to her cat, then letting her cat effortlessly stroll inside with a note attached. The note will read, "Please roll up all of your money and place inside of bag or else this bomb will explode." She thinks it's a good idea. What Emma doesn't know is that the "fake bomb" she has is actually real[insert more blatant foreshadowing]. Karma's a b***h, Emma. 

With the holiday just around the corner the Lithowiski's are planning a huge celebration. They have many dead humans hidden in the back of their shop because they have a strict cannibalistic diet. They are going to slice, dice, and mix those humans into tasty stews and fluffy cakes. The possibilities were endless. The Lithowiski's were the owners of "Little Folly Cannoli's" and did not understand taxes. Having to pay extra just to give a faulty government of money hungry white men bigger houses wasn't really their idea of ideal [wow, this "taxes" thing seems random right? But no, nothing is random in literature. Everything seems to have meaning eventually.]

Yesterday's tomorrow has become today, as hard as that may be to believe, and the holiday is finally here. [Author tries desperately not to specify which holiday in order to appeal to more audiences even though they are Jewish and would prefer to say Chanukah] The air is thick and foggy and the ground is matted with sheets of snow, the imprints of shoes scattered like stars on the ground, each flake seemingly destroyed. Only very few people would look close and see that each flake is most likely supposed to be a deep metaphor to give this story meaning. As Emma made her own prints approaching the shop, she saw the family having dinner and had a sudden pang of realization. What she was doing was wrong. Especially when it was putting her cat in danger. She was about to turn around when she had another realization...the world is cruel and happy endings are way too cliche. So she tread forward until she came near the shop. She found an opening at the back near the garbage bins in the back alley and slipped her cat, Mr.Whiskers, into the shop. The whole was so small it caused knocked the "fake" bomb right off. [Imagine in slow motion] Emma tries to save the falling bomb but misses terribly due to her faulty hand-eye coordination. When the bomb hit the ground, Emma's remains scatter all around the alley. The cat was long gone through the tunnel luckily, and was actually making his way through the air vents. The Lithowiski's run out to the alley to see what had happened. They immediately smelled the human flesh and began feasting on her searing remains. At that moment a tax collector walked by, threatening to call 911 he began running for he hills. The 18 year old son, Enja Lithowiski took off after him, catching him a few blocks down. The normally crowded streets of time square were empty due to the weather. The tax collector knew he had no choice but to surrender. Oddly, this turned his predator, Enja, off to the idea of catching him. Enja enjoyed a chase and didnt want to eat a human that would merely surrender. He feared by eating a weak human he would become so himself. So instead he took the tax collector back to the shop in secret, and baked him into their next batch of cannoli's to be sold the next day. The following day, the regular customer's picked up on the new ingredient. Many were complimenting how extraordinary the cannoli's were tasting and Enja was proud of himself. He walked back into the kitchen to the grab his coat and call it a day. Oddly, he noticed that his gun was missing from his coat pocket as he was walking out the front door. So he slouched his way back to the kitchen and found it in someone else's hands...or should i say...paws.

 The cat had managed to wait in the air vent until he knew the coast was clear. He then went and grabbed the gun out of Enja's pocket and in the time it took Enja to realize his gun was missing the cat managed to take his entire family hostage. Enja was frightened and unsure of how to react to the armed siamese/snowshoe mixed bread cat. He charged the cat in an attempt to grab the gun, only to be shot. The bullet piercing both kidney's. The cat let Enja's final moments be spent gripping onto life while watching each of his family members get shot in the head. Finally when the cat was done with Enja's family, he placed a bullet through Enja's head...followed by his own. The cops showed up too late, this mass homicide ended by cat suicide was tr-

Emma woke up, sweating. She told Mr.Whiskers that the robbery was called off. Later that day on the news it was reported that a mass homicide followed by a CATastrophic suicide[at which point the reporter chuckled to themselves, proud of their clever use of a pun] had been committed at Little Folly Canolli's. This was all so weird and coincidental [but not really because in literature coincidences don't exist]. Emma opened her blinds and looked outside. 

"Oh! Hello Emma," Said a strange man floating outside of her window, "I'm here to tell you that what you experienced was a dream of your death. You're dead as f**k. There is literally nothing you can do about it so congratulations. That was the last dream you'll ever experience. Btw there is no God i have no idea what people were saying. Anyway, i'm Satan. Here," Satan then handed Emma a large book, "I made a scrapbook of your life and such haha i just wanted to give you a present you know. Most people think i'm pretty mean but i don't really have time to be an a*****e with all of the scrapbooking i do. I also like other arts and crafts. If you ever want to visit MicHELLs, it's our art store down here, they have awesome customer service and could get you whatever you need! Anyway, there's nothing really special about being dead. Just don't be one of those a*****e ghosts who haunts people. You can pretty much do whatever, try to interact with other ghosts and not people. They get scared. Alright, have a nice eternity!" Satan vanished and Emma was left there with a quizzical expression plastered on her face. What the f**k. 

Author's Note

Ignore grammar and spelling problems.

Reviews

[SailorSkout]

"Amazing."
"Pure fun with good humor!"
"Good use of these thingy's [ ]."
"What did i just read..."
"The plot is original and outstandingly entertaining."

.... Critics rave.