The Lucky Quarter Chapter 2

Mrs. Hershfelder had finally made it up to the landing to her apartment (located down the stairs from my girlfriend), still valiantly struggling with her two bags of groceries.  Quickly taking into consideration the very narrow stairwell, I immediately realized the likelihood of my hitting Mrs. Hershfelder with the quarter based on my current point of aim was unacceptably high.  As Mrs. Hershfelder was already unlikely to be politely predisposed towards me for leaving her out in the rain, I had serious doubts about her ability to take a quarter hard off the chest philosophically.  In order to avoid the impending disaster, I desperately tried to change my point of aim at the last second to the ceiling above her head.

 

I remember my baseball coach, in a fit of pique over me walking three straight batters one inning, once angrily declaring "The safest place to be when you're pitching is wherever you're aiming!" I suppose a logical corollary to that statement is "The worst place to be when I'm throwing something is wherever I'm trying to avoid."  By raising my point of aim, I had successfully avoided hitting Mrs. Hershfelder in the chest, only to viciously bounce the quarter right off of her temple.

 

The next sequence of events happened like it was in slow motion.  Stunned by the quarter to the temple, Mrs. Hershfelder staggered backwards, coming dangerously close to the precipice of the first stair leading down from her stairwell landing.  In a last ditch effort to help, I frantically bounded down the stairs towards her three steps at a time.  Yet again, my almost mythical lack of physical coordination was working against me.  By my third downwards stride, I lost my balance, and started hurtling out of control down the stairway.

 

Mrs. Hershfelder regained her own composure to avoid falling down the stairs, only to have my sprawling body give her a shoulder check that would have made Bob Probert proud.  She was knocked off her feet into the air (I weigh 220 pounds on a good day), and thudded into the wall face first with her arms and legs spread wide.  In the process the grocery bags were dislodged violently from her grasp, sending cans of Campbell's Tomato soup everywhere, making a horrible racket in the process.

 

My momentum carried me down the second flight of stairs leading from Mrs. Hershfelder's apartment landing, and I arrived at the bottom of those stairs in a facedown heap.  I briefly heard the sound of someone tumbling down the stairs behind me, and distinctly heard the horrible crackling sound of bone breaking.  As I lay there prone on the ground something landed on top of me, knocking the air completely out of me.  Oh dear God, please don't let that be what I think it is! 

 

Mrs. Hershfelder's groan, coming from within a few inches of my ear, confirmed my worst fears.  How in the world could this get any worse?  As if to answer my silent query, I heard the sound of footsteps treading ominously down the stairs to the scene of the debacle. 

 

"JONATHAN JACOB – WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!?"  I heard in the unmistakable sound of my girlfriend's normally dulcet voice.  Apparently Sharon had heard the veritable explosion of loud random noises coming from outside her apartment, and had reconsidered her decision to stay behind closed doors.  At that moment, I couldn't help but notice that my lucky quarter had landed heads up roughly a foot from my rather precarious predicament.  Worst damned Lucky Quarter EVER!

 

"John, you'd better have a good explanation for…" my girlfriend's voice trailed off into a stunned silence.  Ah, that pause can only mean she just rounded the corner to look down the second set of stairs.  Core meltdown in three… two… one…

 

 "OH MY GOD!"  Her voice must have gone up two full octaves in pitch.  Ah, there it is!  Then, with a note of deliberate calm, "Mrs. Hershfelder, are you alright?"  Oh crap, Sharon just went into nurse mode instead of losing it - Mrs. Hershfelder must look pretty bad.

 

Under normal circumstances, Mrs. Hershfelder has a grating nasal voice that can be heard from the neighboring apartment building.  On this occasion, her voice was barely more than a weak whisper in response:

 

"I… I… can't feel my legs!"

 

Immediately after speaking, I could feel Mrs. Hershfelder's body go completely limp.  My stomach dipped suddenly to the left and then attempted some sort of a barrel roll.

 

"It'll be alright," I attempted to calm myself.  "Sharon's a nurse; she'll take care of everything."

 

The next thing I knew I was looking into Sharon's adorable blue-green eyes.  She had dropped down to the ground to look me dead in the face.

 

"John, I don't have time to yell at you right now," She started in the almost patronizingly matter-of-fact voice of the professional nurse.  "Mrs. Hershfelder is unconscious on your back, and may have a spinal cord injury.  I'm going to run upstairs to call 911.  Listen to me very carefully, this is very important… UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to move AT ALL!"

 

I had been dating Sharon long enough to know that when she used that tone of voice, there was no arguing with her.  Unfortunately, in the process of beating Tommy at Sega hockey, I had finished a 7-11 Super Big Gulp.  I don't know the size of the average bladder, but I'm pretty sure it pales in comparison to the sixty-four ounces of caffeine goodness that is the Super Big Gulp.  What's worse, Mrs. Hershfelder's weight was pushing the floor directly into my bladder.  The strain was already beginning to be unbearable.

 

"But Sharon…"  I began lamely.

 

Sharon cut me off before I could get out a second word.

 

"Damn it John, if you move you could paralyze her permanently!"

 

Properly chagrined, I decided that under the circumstance I would have to wet myself if worse came to worst.

 

While Sharon hurriedly made her way up the stairs back to her apartment to call 911, the cell-phone in my pocket began to happily beep-out a digitized version of the theme song to TV's 'The Jeffersons'.  As my right index finger was already touching the button to turn on the speaker-phone option through my corduroys, I decided to risk the small movement of pressing it on.

 

"John!" a tinny version of Tommy's excited voice began.

 

"Yes?"  I replied in a defeated tone, letting out a sigh in the process.

 

"Dude, John, you would not believe the day I'm having!"

 

"Oh really?" I replied sardonically. "Try me…"

 

 

Reviews

[spence]

An excellent first two chapters. In parts this was so funny I imagined Jim Carrey or Ben Stiller in a lead role of a movie. The blend of slapstick, observational, situationist humour blended with shameful male inadequacy and gut wrenching tragedy made this a pleasure to read. I can't wait to see where it's going next. Very well done, spence

[Lady Alyria]

This is great. I can't believe you stopped after two chapters though. This really is a book that needs to be completed. I think you have a wonderful story coming along here.

[raining]

yup, very good. i am not good at literary jargon or advice. i dont know who bob probert is.
pretty good use of humor though. it was entertaining, poor mrs hershfelder. didnt she play for the dolphins in the seventies?

bye raining

[Lena M. P.]

Enjoyed every minute of reading this. It flows so well, the characters are so believable (I can see my son-in-law in this) and you had me laughing out loud. Can't wait to read more.

[Galldora King]

Your writting was absolutley entertaining.I love it.This is the first funniest story ive read in Writters Cafe and its awesome.I was absolutley engaged with it.Please hurry and finish your third chapter.By the way im also new and if you could inform me when you write the 3rd chapter it would be great.

[Alex Annesty]

I enjoyed reading this and it made me laugh. I can't wait to find out what John's 'lucky quarter' brings next.

Good stuff!

[Tainted Angel]

As soon as you ended the first chapter, I saw this coming. poor guy. You really got to feel sorry fot him. Imagine what his girl friend must be thinking too, ha ha. I absolutly love this book. Keep up the good stuff, and I'll keep coming back for more!

[just Jake]

You made me laugh until I cried. That is, until Mrs Hershfelder got the spinal injury. It's all fun and games until Mrs H goes paralyzed. I'm dyslexic with an above average case of adult A.D.D. But the story kept me interested and I would even like to see what happens next.

My only constructive critique would be... I'll make it fast, like pulling off a band aid. O.k. some of the phrases are hard to follow. I don't have a single moment worth of book learnin'. So don't ask me how to fix it. I just like to know where to pause, like with comas or other things. I personally don't know what a semicolon is really for; but they always seem to make me pause, whenever I come accross one. It's just a thought.

I'm new to this site. Is there a way that you can let me know when chapter 3 is ready? I'm all in.

Oh yeah, the reason I decided to read it in the first place... The picture of the bell curve and the title The Lucky Quarter, I was expecting a story about the upper quarter or possibly the lower quarter of our population in terms of I.Q. Being dead center on the chart, personally, has often made me wonder which end is truly lucky.

[jayne sterne]

This is a fantastic bit of work you have here, I am very glad I got the chance to read it, above all it is well writen, its funny and the story line keeps you wanting to read. jayne sterne

[Jillian]

Again, love it! Can't wait to read more : )

[a Messenger]

Great!! This is superbly written. Your character descriptions are marvelous. John is my kind of hero, since my luck runs about the same as his.I don't come across much humor on the Cafe and when I do it is appreciated.
Please send me read requests when you post future chapters.