The Long Road to Being

While listening to a lovely Soap&Skin album I autowrote. When I came to this was the result. Nothing special, more of a peek into my soul than a story or a poem, but it brought me a measure of peace.

One such as myself, a hermit of my own making, walks through this life among friends and alone.

I pass by my companions, by my family, and I am filled with joy. But the rain cloud of depression is close behind, for one cannot be with the ones they love at all times.

When your happiness is utterly dependant on the company of others, what are you? Are you a complete being? I am sure that there are many people who feel the same as I, and for a time I sought these people out, kindred spirits of sorts. I figured that since all we wanted was someone to be there for the other, it would be a perfect match. 

But alas, no.

Two people utterly dependant on one another is many times more unhealthy than just one person being utterly dependant on another. You may not feel the harsh sting of lonliness for a time, but the silence of resentment that will inevitably grow between you is inescapable. 

For one to find true happiness, for one to find true meaning in a relationship, one must let go of the need to have a flawless relationship, or even a dependable one.

That which we desire most will always elude us. It is when we let go of the want, of the need that we find it on our doorstep. This is easier said than done, as with all things, but it is necessary nonetheless.

I depend on my friends, though I call them my family, to make me feel whole. I feel incomplete when I am not talking to them, when I do not feel their presence. I define myself by those around me. I have no definition of my own. I am a sponge. I adapt to my surroundings, should they appeal to me, and mirror them flawlessly. I am an actor and the world is my stage. 

I am an actor and the world is my prison.

My need for the presence of others is crippling, because they are never there, and they are always there. I spend my days, I spend my nights, I spend my life in waiting; In limbo, in purgatory, waiting for a steady relationship, a being who will at last complete me, friend or lover. 

I will spend my days with them. I will share my joys, I will share my pains, and they will share their life with me. We will be together at all times, even when we are apart, and I will at last feel whole. I will cease my traveless wanderings. I will call myself my home, and I will relax in the arms of the one that filled the void that I call my soul.

Reviews

[cfix]

So emotional and in ways very touching as well. I feel drift where wanting to fall apart but yet coming together. Very well written.