Beggining of Hell

Michael's life begins to change when he begins having nightmares of pain and death.

 

Running through an alley, darkness encompassing his body, Michael runs constantly. His refusal to turn and face his pursuers expressed the fear his teenage mind could not help but know. He can hear the heavy feet hitting the wet stones behind him. “What do you want from me?” He yelled at the chasers. Not a word came in reply. He continued running and escaped the alley, only to find himself surrounded by cloaked figures. They slowly advanced on him and drew concealed weapons. All types of blades were drawn and Michael could only think that this was the end. “MICHAEL! WAKE UP!!!” His mother’s voice echoed and he shot out of his bed. His heart rate was way too fast and he was in a cold sweat. “It was all a…a dream?” he asked himself. He looked at his clock and realized he was low on time. In order to make it to the bus on time, he’d have to skip breakfast…again.

 

            The school day slowly went by. He saw one of his best friends, Sarah, a few times throughout the day. He had had a crush on her for a long time, but could never seem to tell her. He never had the nerve. Recently, she had begun dating an a*****e of a guy who he hated, but he never admitted it. His heart was broken but he decided to just give up on love and not care. At the end of the day, he left his English class as his teacher called out “Have a great holiday!” He ignored his teacher and began listening to his music. Welcome Home by Coheed and Cambria came on his iPod and he walked out of the school and into the freezing rain that poured from the sky. He loved the stinging feeling it left on his arms.  He headed home lazily, taking a short nap on the bus. His sister woke him up at their stop and he left the bus and walked home.

 

            That night, he had the same dream. And these dreams continued every night over his break. One night, while dreaming, he decided to stop running. He spun on a dime and ran back towards his pursuers. Seeing him running towards them, they drew their weapons and readied themselves. A sharp stab awoke him from his sleep and he looked around the room, there was no one. He felt an intense pain in his stomach and looked down. A line of blood trickled down from the exact area he had been stabbed in his dream. He freaked out, and nearly blacked out from how scared he was. “What’s going on here?” He asked into the dark. No answer, as he expected. He feebly attempted to return to sleep, but knew hat he’d just have that damned dream again. “What am I going to do?” He asked himself warily. He had no idea what to do or who to tell. He decided on telling absolutely no one.

Reviews

[FicWriter]

I agree a little with Ragnarok. Considering what's happening - his hellish dreams that are actually hurting him in real life - the descriptions and the chapter overall are of insufficient length. However, the idea is extremely intriguing and you certainly have potential as a great writer. Keep it up!

[O. Ragnarok]

This was.... interesting. All in all, though, if I had to describe it in a single word, I'd say it was rushed.
A good friend of mine used to say that good writing can be described as "show, not tell." And you seem to need these words of wisdom. Three paragraphs is hardly enough to convey what I feel you are trying to get at here. I feel like each one should be its own chapter, and explain a lot more. Show me how Michael feels, don't just tell me what happened. As it is, this story is just a random list of events. A concept, more than anything else. As that, its a little cliche, but what isn't these days?
But I have to give you credit for trying. "...he walked out of the school and into the freezing rain that poured from the sky. He loved the stinging feeling it left on his arms." This line was a good attempt, but there was over-abundant redundancy there. Of course rain would fall from the sky, where else would it come from? The second sentance wasn't bad, but It felt like too little, too late.

[Christine T]

This was really good!
XD

[puppetmaster]

Omg, wow. I really enjoyed reading this. It's really interesting. I wish there was more to it lol. i was really getting into it. I always say what I think, especially when I think it could help. But right now I can think of nothing that should be changed. It's really good. And I hope there will be more to read. I'm curious to find out how Michael will handle the stabbing, and the fact that it happened in his dream. Will he change his mind about telling someone? Lol idk, this is just stuff I think about. Anyway, it was great, really. I really liked it.