The one that made it

A little story I made one night for over a year ago

The one that made it

As the sun was standing high in the city it was packed with sound and movement, it was lunchtime at this hour. The high buildings and all the smoke made it almost impossible to see down to the streets, even the gardens and parks was hard to see.

But there; a small area that wasn’t covered in smoke and noise, a quiet little part that was just a little pond and a red bench. 

A lone old man was walking with sturdy feet past the bench but suddenly he stopped as he saw a little bag of seeds sitting there on the bench. He walks forward and picks up the little bag, as he does this a lone little duck appeared, the little duck moved slowly in the water as a little stream of blood was coming from its wing. It looked at the old man, almost with a tear in its eye. The man looked back at the duck and started to slowly bend his knees to come a little closer to the water, the duck continued to swim towards him.

As the duck was at the edge of the pond the man took a bit of the seeds that was in the bag and stretched forward, the duck looked into the man’s eyes with its head on the side. The duck moved its head forward to the man’s hand and gently opened its mouth to eat of the seeds, as the little duck put forward his tongue more blood was sipping out of the side in the mouth. The man starred at the duck when the blood covered the whole side of its body, he put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a little napkin. He took out a little more seeds and as he feed the little duck he moved his hand with the napkin very slowly so it would not be startled. The duck stopped eating and moved its head in the direction of the napkin; the man froze with his hand and thought the duck was going to bite him.

Instead the duck leaned his head at the napkin and closed its eyes

The man threw away the remains of the seeds and started to put his hand under the duck to pick it up and clean it. The duck just leaned at the napkin and let the man put his hand under the water. He lifted his hand and the duck came out off the water, the blood was dripping down and made little rings in the water. The man held the duck and gently moved his hand with the napkin to the duck’s wing, the cut on the duck was deep and a piece of the bone was sticking out. He carefully pushed the little ducks head so it leaned at his other arm, the man took the napkin and formed it around the damaged wing. He moved his now free hand to the duck and held it with two arms; the duck tried to move its head up to look at the man but it wasn’t that strong, the duck closed its eyes and laid its head at the arm again.

The old man sat himself down on the bench with the little duck still in his hands, he looked around him as people was running to the left and right, the sky was filled with dark clouds and high noises from everywhere. The duck now breathed slower and slower and its head slide down from the man’s arm, the man braised the ducks head with his hand and the duck opened its eyes. A single tear fell from the man’s eye and said; its okay now, you’ve made it.

The duck closed its eyes.

Author's Note

Feel free to comment

Reviews

[FocusedAmnesia]

This made me go "awww" when I came to the end. What a sweat old man, and the poor little duck. Nicely written.

[Detective Watts]

Really good
100%
Sad and hopeful.

[J. R.]

This was a very touching piece, brimming with genuine emotion.

[Eo]

I agree with the rest of the comments, this piece was very touching and among the best that you have posted here on this website.

[Dutch Jr.]

Touching, very touching. The concept was that genuine love still exist in the world, and the setting was a perfect microcosm of today's society: a big city, full of busy, narcissistic, apathetic individuals, with a small park, with an old man that, in a way, represents hope. The old man rescuing the duck was a great scene to capture that. With the way it comes together, it almost sounds like him meetng the duck was fate, the way the bag of seeds is sitting there, then the duck comes along. Nice write.

You storytelling was good, but I caught a few nit-picks (spelling, grammar, the lttle stuff). "As the sun was standing high in the city it was packed with sound and movement, it was lunchtime at this hour." The thoughts on either side of the somma can stand as complete sentences, so a comma cannot join them. Either replace the comma with a semi-colon, or split them into two separate sentences.

“The duck now breathed slower and slower and its head slide down from the man’s arm, the man braised the ducks head with his hand and the duck opened its eyes.” I certainly hope this is a typo, because the word “braised” means to cook something…lol. I think you meant “raised.”

Lastly, when the man says “its okay now, you’ve made it”, I would put that into quotation marks. It’s counts as dialogue. Overall, this was a nice little piece. I enjoyed it.

[Kristoffer Kindh]

Thanks, I fixed the beginning

[E. L. Foley]

I liked the opening, but I think that " It could be seen as very stereotypical but is it something that we have learned it is not to blame a book by the cover," might not be best to put in--if the narrator isn't confident, it makes it harder for the reader to invest in the setting.

And I loved the old man taking care of the duck--it was sad and sweet. An nice little piece, here.