Blue Puzzle Piece

The chaotic mind of an autistic writer

It’s sadness...
The deepest blue that leaves you heaving
That heaviness that weighs and stops your breathing
Gripping
Ripping
Stripping
you down until you no longer stand...
It’s sadness
that makes the tears heavy in your eyes
Racing
pacing-
thoughts that keep you awake at night
Numbers
Words
And random things
Questions
Facts
to wondering
Lay awake
lost thoughts to take
Give way to anger that takes the breath away
Burning
Raging
Pacing weight- hammering heartbeats turn sleep to wake
Ticking
Clicking
Humming
Thrumming
Whistling
Clapping
Churning
Turning...
The noise is
shaking,
ticking,
taking
away the calm that keeps you pacing
Flapping,
turning,
spinning
lost and shaking
Unfocused words left for the taking
Its order
Routine
And stringency
Give no favor to chaos’s company
Rigid lines that one must see
Give comfort
Structure
Certainty...

Too soft
Too cold
Too warm
too hot
A single touch is the hardest spot
Withering
Rasping
Wrinkling
Grasping
Scraping
Raking
Pinching
Staking
That feels too hard
This feels too soft
Will the pain ever stop?

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

"ten minutes till Judge Wapner" the mind always racing, always contradicting, always expanding, always contracting....
i can only imagine the pain....my niece is autistic....i know she is aware of what is going on...i just wish she was given the gift of communication....she knows about 20 words, but speaks in fragments...
frustrates her greatly.

j.

[annalysiar]

I was diagnosed when I was two.
May I ask: how old is your niece...
I was taught in a stringent manner that borderlines cruel. I learned that I was different and that it wasn’t okay for me to be different. I learned to keep my frustrations and differences to myself
Your niece has the gift of communication.., we all do... perhaps you should learn her language to help her learn yours...

[jacob erin-cilberto]

she would be around 47 now...

[annalysiar]

How is holding up

[jacob erin-cilberto]

still needs constant watch...but seems happy as she can be...

[annalysiar]

That’s always good. Happiness is good

[Thepensiveplayer]

Excellent poem! Each word in every line reminds me of how we can be trapped in our minds at times. To me, it's akin to a mental maze that constantly leaves us in a daze. I believe it takes a certain kind of will power to break out of any emotional rut we're in, but its not always as simple as that. Sometimes we need assistance from the right people willing to share and heal our pain. Nicely done!

[annalysiar]

You’re kind thank you

[barleygirl]

This is brilliant writing & I'm very impressed with how you capture the way an obsessive mind does all this meaningless repetition of various things (I call it "grinding"). The best part is how you present lists of the different types of distractions, often using rhyme or wordplay, yet you break up the one-word lists after six or seven. If you went on longer, it would feel too repetitive. You've hit on the right amount of repeating, broken by a reprieve so the reader's eyes don't glaze over. Also, the words are well-chosen for the way they sound together, as a constant background drone to life. I am bipolar, so much of this applies to me when my mind is racing in a manic way. I think you've captured it brilliantly & palpably! I love it when a writer SHOWS some mental or emotional situation that others may not understand & therefore fear or put down. Knowledge & understanding are the ways to conquer fear & discrimination. (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[annalysiar]

Thank you very much for your kind words.
I was going for that: to paint how my mind races and just doesn’t stop at times. Thank you for your understanding as well.