heaven

"And he said some day I hope you get the chance. To live like you were dying ..."
Ana murmured as she drove. She sighed ton herself as she changed the station on Pandora.
Anything to keep the inevitable from her mind. Her heart raced with anticipation as she drew closer to her destination. Of all the times for this to happen... She sighed again to herself as she thought about the past couple of years... They haven't exactly been good. Diagnoses. Issues. Problem after problem. Her mothers...life.
her littler sister and nephew. Her husband...that was a whole other can of worms.
Ana shook her head as her chest throbbed in pain, demanding that she rest. But Ana continued on her journey. She would go if it killed her.
Her chocolate brown eyes closed for a brief second as she recalls the many deaths in the family: four tias, three tios. A great grand mother.
People who has raised her when her mother couldn't...
And now her husband. The tears were there.
Though they couldn't fall...
Ana sighed as she pulled up to the hospital. Maybe because it was his time. Maybe he wants to go and be with his wife...
Every step was so heavy...Ana wanted to turn around and go home. She wanted to pretend it was just a dream like she did with grandma...but no. With a stomp of determination. She made it through those automatic doors. And to the room where she saw him more frail then ever. More lifeless. Lost.
between this world and the next?
searching for his wife.
I wonder...
he sleeps. does he even wanna come back.
"Talk to him, mija..." Came the raspy voice of Aunt Bea, his oldest daughter....
My great grandfather had been alive well since 1920. He's seen history, fought in war, lived through world shaking times...with my great grandmother... he watched his family grow, and he buried a child. Perhaps...
I stood at his bedside, chest aching for how lost he was... was it his impending death? Or his old age. I wondered as I touched his hand. My great grandfather, Santos the first, jolted awake and he looked at me, but he didn't see me... he was looking beyond. To another place....to another time. I listened to my aunt try to tell him that it was me, Annalysia Paz. But he still didn't see me... to this day I cannot decipher what he was trying to say, but he called me Paz, his wife, my great grandmother... and he kept on saying he was sorry.
The sight brought tears to my eyes... what was he sorry for? For giving up? For their lives? For not dying first? Before I knew what I was doing, I took his outstretched, shaking hands, and i gripped it as he gripped mine, still speaking....gibberish, Spanish and English at once. Pleading... lost... I told him it was okay. I told him to rest. That I was there for him...
I was scared. I wanted to cry, leave, I wanted to wake up from the nightmare. I would be a little girl again, sitting between my great grandparents, eating grapefruit and playing cards. It would be thanks giving and I would sneak into my great grandmother's room, where my great grandfather would give me cookies and cream puffs... I would be helping with buenellos on new years...

"Beep Beep Beep." I stood next to my grandmother as we watched the monitor count his heart beats. I watched it race, then completely slow down. The moments dragged on, ten minutes felt like three hours. My heart was pounding. I felt dizzy from the anxiety... my great grandfather didn't speak. He didn't reach out to me. He didn't open his eyes, as his children told him that they loved him....as they cried, and held one another...
"Beeeeeeeep....." the sound was muted to my ears. I felt the pain. The heart break. I felt the tears, but I didn't let them fall.... I willed myself to wake up, but I didnt. I reached and touched his hand...and it was cold...no sign of life. No more Christmas or thanks giving or new years... no more grapefruit or cards or helping to build things... no more funny stories or jokes... I would never hear his voice again...

Reviews

[alifeacoustic]

Loss never gets easier, no matter how many times we taste it. Seeing a loved one lost, not knowing if it would be better for them to stay or go, is a truly unbelievable position to be in. Sometimes selfishness wins and we think we want them to stay because we can't lose them, and sometimes love wins and we know their suffering will end. But it doesn't mean we love them less. Whatever we feel at these times, just feeling shows they are loved.
Nicely written.

[annalysiar]

Thank you I'm in an emotional shock. There for writers block. Horribly. I'm sorry... But thanks anyways...