Sunset

To my grandma, whom I shared my precious years with

And so painted the sky
The color of fiery red
But I painted the ocean
The color of calming blue

I also added some colors
Like a hint of energetic orange
And a splash of yellow happiness
To even out the conflicting scene

I added a pinch of harmonic green
A dash of strong brown
And a little bit of misery black
To make the view a little bit inviting

Now I know why you loved sunsets
It represents all the colors of life
And emotions you tried to hide
I just wish I was able to see it with you one last time

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing poem my friend.
"I added a pinch of harmonic green
A dash of strong brown
And a little bit of misery black
To make the view a little bit inviting"
I loved the above lines and your words. Danced to a perfect ending. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[JayG]

Bear in mind that you did ask, and I’m pretty dense, so I will misunderstand—especially if you let me.

• And so painted the sky

Based on the rest, it should be; "And so I painted the sky."

One thing that didn’t track: Throughout, the theme is the speaker painting colors that they want there, not what they see in the sky. But then, those colors somehow are seen to be those someone unknown saw?

Personal view: Make it about this person, as the protagonist views them, not a recitation from that person. For example:
- - - - -
I painted the sea in blue of the sort
that sunset brought to your eyes.
Your hair limns clouds in ginger hue,
their centers in shades of laughter,
- - - - -

Good poetry? Naa… just a quick example of a couple of things you might take into account as you write.

First, It’s 100% about the one who’s loved, not how the speaker feels—though in reality, it is. So the colors mentioned must be, in some way related directly to that person. I used ginger hair because the biggie of sunset is orange, and who wants hair that’s seen as orange—worse yet, a face that is? 😆 So I darkened it to red at the cloud-edges, and cheated, coloring thei centers metaphorically, in laughter.

I used prosody to aid the flow. Alternating lines are a 4 feet/3 feet repetition, because while the stanza isn’t rhyming in construction, a bit of structure help involve the reader by providing a background beat.

If you’ve not read the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less traveled, you should. What he has to say about the flow of language is something poets and prose writers should both take into account.

Hope this helps.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Ted Kniffen]

A beautiful poem BH and a lovely reminder of the special relationship you had with your grandma. Every time you read this you will think of her ... just as any of your readers will be reminded of their grandmas and smile.

Well done