Chapter 1

I hear nothing, but the sound of your laughter, I see nothing but yours eyes and your smile, I feel nothing but your touch, I taste nothing but your lips. “Sinead” someone shouts, I recognise the voice but it is not yours so I ignore it.
All of a sudden, I feel hands on me, shaking me; my name being called over and over again. But I don’t want to open my eyes, I don’t want to lose you again, but you start to slowly fade as I’m bought back to reality.

I lie on the ground, I can’t move anything but my head; everything is a blur. I hear the sound of a gun being shot in the background, I then realise where I am, the Falkland’s. I look down to my stomach, to see blood oosing out of it. Someone hands move to the place I’ve been shot, putting pressure on it, pain sears through me, I scream out. As soon as I scream, I start to violently cough up blood. At that moment I was sure, I was going to die.


I still remember the first day I met him; he had me interested with just one look. He was tall, dark blonde; blue eyed and had the most handsome face I’ve ever seen. He wasn’t exactly the skinniest of men but I didn’t care, he was perfect to me.
It was a Sunday night, he had just finished work, and I walked up to meet him by a petrol station. When I got closer I could see a figure leaning up a wall with one leg up against it, he looked so chilled, not nervous at all, whereas me I was a nervous wreck. I whispered to myself “Come on Sinead, stop being a wimp, men like confidence!”
As I got closer, he turned his head and smiled at me, making me go weak at the knees. He strolled towards me and said “The names Tommy” his voice was angelic, all I could do was smile and say hi, I lead the way back to my flat.

We walked in silence but it wasn't awkward at all, it was like we have done this before, it felt right. 

Reviews

[Scott Mou]

The level of detail you put into this story is good, altough i would have liked it to be longer for a whole chapter but it was good. The differentiating names are good as well

[Kimberley]

Thank you and once I get some more ideas in my head, I shall make it longer

[Catherine Frain]

The first paragraph should be able to draw me in when I first start to read this chapter, but it hasn't. The word choice is dull and kinda boring. A more interesting word choice will be better and it will draw in your reader. Also once an Idea ends, change into a new paragraph or when someone speaks.

Examples in the actual text should be like:

I still remember the first day I met him; he had me interested with just one look. He was tall, dark blonde; blue eyed and had the most handsome face I’ve ever seen. He wasn’t exactly the skinniest of men but I didn’t care, he was perfect to me.
It was a Sunday night, he had just finished work, and I walked up to meet him by a petrol station. When I got closer I could see a figure leaning up a wall with one leg up against it, he looked so chilled, not nervous at all, whereas me I was a nervous wreck.
I whispered to myself, “Come on Sinead, stop being a wimp, men like confidence!”
As I got closer, he turned his head and smiled at me, making me go weak at the knees.
He strolled towards me and said “The names Tommy” his voice was angelic, all I could do was smile and say hi, I lead the way back to my flat.
We walked in silence but it wasn't awkward at all, it was like we have done this before, it felt right.

[Kimberley]

I'll have to change the first part, I was thinking that it was a bit dull to be honest, but I wanted to get other peoples opinions. Thank you for the feedback.

[Lowesy]

Right ok,
1st paragraph: The first sentences based on the 5 senses, it's a bit tedious to list them all and say over and over about how she sees nothing, hears nothing, tastes nothing, etc. (Missed smell by the way). This needs to be pulling me in, hooking me but it isn't. At the moment it's difficult to get over the slow repetitiveness. Starting sentences with, 'All of a sudden' is also quite cliché and not really suddening. And on the same lines, you've used, 'But' twice in the same sentence.
2nd paragraph: This should be fast paced; intense and confusing (just like how the character should be feeling). Saying you're in the Falklands is too sensible. Screaming should be in the air, smoke should be blocking out the sun, explosions, debris, the pops of gunfire, the smell of burnt hair and flesh, young boys shouting for their mums, superiors shouting their orders, etc. At the moment its all to structured. Describe the pain but don't look down, because you're too weak to. Say there's someone leaning over you, shouting for a medic, blinding pain is burning your abdomen, etc.
3rd: You've now gone into a story about how they met... despite her dying. This should be saved for when she's recovering maybe, or before she's shot. Otherwise it’s just confusing and doesn't make sense. I can understand a brief flashback, maybe she starts to hear his voice or smell him as she's dying but a whole story is too much, I think. Also, I'm confused on three things: First, why are they meeting at the petrol station; second, how come she doesn't know his name; third, it appears that they've just met, why is she taking him back to her flat already?
General points: you need to tighten up some sentences, some words are dispensable. For example: '...to see blood oosing out of it', you don't need 'oosing out of it' and oosing is spelt oozing; and '...pain sears through me, I scream out. As soon as I scream', don't need 'As soon as I scream'. You also use the word, 'I' a lot. Oh and last point, I promise, '...all I could do was smile and say hi', hi should be capitalised and in quotation marks, as it's a quote.
Hope I helped :D

[Kimberley]

Thank you for your feedback, I'll definitely improve this story, its not my best, its actually one of the first ones I started writing. and the first part is like the prologue but I need to make it longer and the second part is the first chapter, I'll have to put that in there to stop the confusion.

[Silent Wolf]

Nice start so far! Can't wait to read more!

[Kimberley]

Thank you, I'll be sure to put up more soon.

[Silent Wolf]

You are so very welcome. :)