The Cemetary

And introduction to Kassie herself.

To Save Kassie

Chapter 1

 

            Eight years old with brown eyes shaped like tear drops, Kasandra Jensen had seen her fair share of what the adults called “life.” She had experienced things most people twice her age had rarely heard of. Attending yet another funeral, this particular graveside service seemed to be simply the next step in the child’s complicated existence. The small group sat in the far corner of the cemetery in a sort of long semi-circle. Kassie observed that the group’s members were dressed in dark clothes and wearing their best shoes. The sun was shining through from the other side of a small grove of trees just to the west, leaving an assortment of oddly shaped bright spots on Kassie’s favorite yellow dress, just above her knees. She smoothed the wrinkles in the fabric as she looked around. More trees and some just-budding bushes were scattered haphazardly around the grassy area where they were gathered. A sweet smelling row of lilacs periodically wafted its scent their way. To Kassie, the most distinct feature of the cemetery was its many headstones. They were all so different. Some were large and ornate, bearing carved images of animals. Those were Kassie’s favorites. Others were even larger, adorned with landscapes and birds, or more subtle trees and bushes. Mixed in with the all of those were the small flat stones, with just names and dates. A good reader, the best in her third grade class, Kassie knew she still did not understand all of the big words on some of the stones. Earlier that week, Laura had explained to her that each headstone represented one person who was buried right there beneath it.

 

            A gust of lilac scented breeze brought Kassie’s attention back to the service for a moment. Everyone listened to the preacher solemnly, all reverent. Kassie was tired of just sitting there and didn't care much for acting reverent. She wondered why they all had to gather at the cemetery anyway, they had just come from the funeral where, of course, they had all been sitting…reverently. Neither did she understand why people always seemed to cry in the cemetery. After all, her grandpa had told her that when someone died, they went to heaven to see their other family who had already passed. He had told her this grand story about how when you closed your eyes here and died, you opened them somewhere else, surrounded by all of the people who loved you that had passed away before you. If that were true, wasn't it okay to die? Still, everyone seemed so sad. Was she supposed to pretend to be sad, too?

Author's Note

Honest reviews always appreciated! i need to know whether this chapter does enough to pique curiosity about my young herione..

Reviews

[J. Randall Dodd]

kim,

i like this. a few things though. i'm guessing this is her mother's or father's funeral. i'm leaning towards her mother's because of the introduction of "laura" a female comfort figure...maybe acting in the place of a mother figure.

if i might suggest, a more detailed description of the relation between laura and kassie. my guess is an older sister, but not sure. i might also suggest a bit more description of the types of just-budding bushes ( maybe azaleas, or something; anything to help me visualize more.) also what made the shapes "odd" on her dress. this may be an area to expound. one more thing, and this is simply for sound, which may be strange, but in the fourth sentence "a group" might sound better than "the group".

overall, good start. i like :)

sincerely,
jr

[KimLott]

Hey all, thanks for the sincere reviews. I'm catching the underlying theme in the comments and hope to have a re-write up in a week or so.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors!

Kim

[Doreen]

This is a young girl attending a funeral, though there is much description of the sun and the trees and not much detail on who's funeral she's attending or how she feels about it. The fact that she's wearing yellow doesn't feel right. It's not easy to do, and yet, there is an advantage to writing in first person for something like this. It would feel more intimate to the reader, and shed more thoughts on how the protagonist feels about the funeral and being there. Only a suggestion.

You have a talent for writing, that is clear. You have a way with clear imagery and descriptions. But to answer your question, it doesn't pique my interest yet; I wasn't hooked. There aren't enough questions to make me wonder, "Wow, what's going to happen next" (I hate to sound so blunt, I'm not intending to offend). I can see this as being a diamond in the rough. Don't give up.

[mcg03002]

This is wonderful. I love what you are creating in this story. It's also great that you are keeping the chapters very short and manageable. That reminds me of the way that Dan Brown writes.
One comment: I think you need to hypenate lilac-scented.
I'm gonna read chapter two now.

[A.Lee]

This is good so far. It holds the readers interest and leaves me wondering what exactly is going on and what will take place.

[Ruth]

Really good sweet, I like it a lot:) Honestly, it keeps the interest and leaves intrigue:) xx

[Natalie]

My honest opinion is that this is written in a very "adult" voice. It seems distant. To get us into this character you need to show us her viewpoint of everything and only throw out casual clues as to the solemn nature of the event. A child this age is quite egocentric. She knows what she likes and dislikes, and that's all that really matters. She probably doesn't know what lilacs smell like (unless someone told her) so again that's taking us out of her head and into the narrator's head. She would only know that her eyes were shaped like teardrops if "Grandpa always said" that. Etc.

There are a few lines that seem off. For instance, someone "twice her age" would still be pretty young. Also, if she's going to yet another funeral, she has probably seen headstones before last week. You are right that she'd be fascinated by them and have favorites. They would probably be her main focus the whole time that they were in her line of sight.

The facts that you don't mention whose funeral it is, that she is wearing yellow and no one is hovering over her makes me think that it's not someone important to her. No matter how many funerals she's been to, if it were a parent she'd at least have a feeling that "this one was just like all the others".

As far as where the story is going, it's too soon to tell but i expect it to be a very character driven story. A child who is numb to death at 8 years old is likely to feel that there is no stabilty and have trouble trusting anyone because she knows they will abandon her (in death) eventually. Perhaps the story is about temporary happiness being preferable to reliable pain. It's a huge concept for an 8 year old though.

So keep working on it, and I'll keep reviewing it as long as you want me to.

[Mike Espinosa]

This is a good start. A bit short for a first chapter, but that's probably just a me thing. If I recall, you wanted to see if the reader could see a backstory. I can see a close family, an older family, with many members dieing off. I, too, imagine it to be one of the parents who died. But if that was the case, then I don't think Kassandra would be so nonchalant about the loss of her mother or father. Even at 8, it would be heartbreaking.

I like the way you captured the young "boredness" of a kid at a funeral, or any religious event. The logic behind the celebrating comment is great, one that I hear from all ranges of people.

Overall, you have a great concept going, but if you're looking for foreshadowing or backstory, I think you need to be more direct. It might just be me, but I didn't get a strong connection with any backstory on my first read-through.