I'm Still Here

A Story by M.Kilani

It was the first rain of September, a month where he stopped to remember, the fire, the season, the madness and reason, as he aches from treason and the heavy muddied rain, he finally opened the half open door, he lost all hope but he had a pinch for more.

"You have left me" she told him, shouting and crying; "You're no longer the man I used to know, you're different, no longer I feel comfort around you, no longer I see you as a friend, I'll do what you wanted, I'll put an end."

"When was I ever a friend of yours?" instantly in anger he replied "If you could just get over you pride, and see things as they are, why is it always a war, I'm reaching for you now after I had to disappear, no reason for you to dread or fear, but you leave me no choice, as you always kill the rejoice, and leave me with nothing but answers for questions I've never asked, with more faces you have masked, but I'm still here, maybe not near, but I've been always there, even if I look like I don't care, I was always watching over you, despite all I knew, and all I don't, on your hair I was a knot, but you left me for time, and times; times of your madness times of your sadness and times when you were bored, never you thought that you're draining me old, and I'm still here, I reach for you as I talk, as you steal my air and leave me with smoke, and you still call me a lair, as you step on the desire, leaving me with nothing but your verdict, no emotion to regenerate, after all I have burdened after all I have done, at the dim of the night you say there's no sun, forcing me to disbelieve and you expect me not to leave, and you blame me for what you couldn't keep, blame me for all I have lost, blame me for your mistrust, you blame me for falling for you, although I warned you not to make me fall, now we're both about to lose it all."

He inhales more smoke, as he carries a broken mirror in his hands and wear it as a mask, he cuts himself, cuts his fingers and his face, he stands with no grace; "here's what's left of me, this is my true face, I am a defaced mirror, with pain on its edge, honesty I promised, and here's what I pledged, no hidden identity, no stubborn man behind this mask, no pride, no ego and no dreams, just a reflection and pain, that made me insane... and a white shirt stained in red, blood and wine, no longer I am divine, for nothing is anymore... nothing is sacred behind this door, I'm now all you have left me, shallow, cold, dark and full of rage, you throw me with a rock and you expect me not to rage."

"But you were one of the few I felt comfort with, now you're... awkward" sarcastically she said, "I just needed my friend."

"AWKWARD" he shouted, "I'm not awkward I'm in pain, I'm nothing but pain... nothing but your pain, it is what you left me with after all, you locked me in a prison without a wall and fed me nothing but your pain... how can I never go insane... and I cherished that... that pain, because it was yours, it was your last gift for me, and it made you pain free."

A tear ran down his blooded face, making the thick blood and dirt lighter, after he destroyed everything he made for her, after he destroyed everything made for himself, after he burned it to the ground; "And still you say I was your friend, still you say I was nothing more... why did you come and knock my door, when you know I wanted it to end, if I'm not your lover, were you my friend, if so why do tears now descend, why did you miss me on every day, why that I'm leaving you live in dismay, were you my friend? did you follow my dreams? did you even know what they were, where you ever there? and you say I was your friend, why my back you try to bend? why your pride you still defend? and why do you fear me, although you're not near me, why at night do I call your name, and why for this we carry the blame... I have seen the world in your eyes, until your eyes turn cold, until your soul turned old, and I made you once young, a line in every song, but you said I can't give you any more, have you even stepped inside the door, have you seen what I've built in your name, have you asked what I was willing to make, all for your sake... and you say a friend, like I was a roadkill that you passed by, and you still ask me to get back to where we were, how unfair! I can't see you without my arms around you again, without your blood running in my vein... I was handsome when you where by my side, not because of the appearance, but only because you reflected through my eyes, I was strong back then, invincible, although I'm weak and thin, and I had a dream... your dream of us travailing the world, experiencing something new every day... but now I'm all dismay."

"Yes you've been knocking my door for two weeks, for two weeks I was hoping you'd know why you were knocking my door... but I already knew you'd tell me the same... I knew you'd lash out on me once this door is open, even if I told you to go away, and the second you turn your back I offered you a truce, a new page, a new start, just as you want it to be... friends, as you say... but you kept lashing and lashing until your soft hands bled from that leather belt that was once around your well-shaped waist, all this time I was waiting for you to realize what's true, all went in vain... what a waste, instead of taking you in my arms I took a belt to the face... and you say a friend... how much longer can you pretend... I know you've meant me no harm, and I know you are not like this, I know that you are living in a mess... and I know you need me by your side... but I am afraid of what you hide... all I built is now destroyed... nothing is left but the void, and it was again left for you to fill... I'm still here... standing still."

Rain stopped as silence took over... there was nothing to hear but a tear... falling in a puddle of mud, and a drop of blood.

"Remember when you asked if I'm willing to give it all for you, when I told you that I'll go to hell and back just for you, and I did, I went to hell, you may never know but I did, and I'm willing to do it again and again, and I don't know why... no... this is a lie, I do know... I know because the second I saw you I saw the me in you, I saw it in your eyes the pure noble soul that I have been always fighting for, until I became you, and you became what was me, the homeless not the free, and I became you again, the agony and the pain, although I was captured I was always free... because of the you kept in me, and the me left in you... if only I knew, if only I knew you'd be swept away by another and that he'll break your spirit, if only I knew this day will come, if only I knew that I will die if you didn't smile, and if only I knew I will cause this pain, only by standing still, I would've stopped the time on that day, where we met at that noisy cafe and took you in my arms and whispered in your ears that everything will be alright... die... and disappear...to spare you from this ... and again you choose to leave, you choose to depart, like I was a disfigured piece of your art, when you can save me, from me, so that I'd save you from you and the world around, you still turn around and around, and I still welcome your return, because I'm still here..."

He tied himself to the wall, near the fireplace he built, in the room he imagined himself listening to music smoking a cigar with her entering the room shining with her smile, he tide himself with a long chain, after welding its end around his wrest, "I am still here, until you free yourself, and then free me, I'm still here... until you are willing to walk by my side, not in front of me and not behind but here next to my broken rib, I will stay... but I'll stay in fear, fear that you will never return, fear that one day I will be free, that someone else might take a hammer and break my chain, as I await for your return, I will stay, but I will struggle and bite the steel, I will run around in until I pull my shoulder out of its socket and scream, scream your name, not out of pain but to remind me why I wait, I will guard this ruin for you, and I will guard my chain, you can go now and be free, and mind not me, as long as it makes you happy as long as you can still laugh, you may forget this chapter, turn this page, only if it revives your laughter, that magnificent laugh that you make, it will always echo in my ear, go now, and don't worry about the comfort of the steel around my wrest, it will always remind me of you gentle touch the night you wore a dress and held my hand while the music played, when I couldn't even take my eyes off you to watch the band as music came from your side not their's, don't mind the scars on my face, nor the blood in my hair, the memory of you playing with them will ease the pain, don't mind the coldness of the place, I will always remember the embrace, it will keep me warm for many days, and the discomfort in my chest will be gone with what's left of your scent."

He stood up, and walked to wards her, he was stopped by the chain only steps away from her, she was about to say something when he touched her lips; "say no more" he turned around and laid on the ground, "you can go now, you can leave without farewell, and I'll sleep to dream of you, I'll sleep now for I have been awake for too long, and if this is the last time I'll see you, I would rather be here, live here and die here... in a place where you know how to find me."

As he fell into his sleep in his home of ashes he mumbled "I'm still here... I'm still here."

© 2013 M.Kilani

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Coyote Poetry

This is a amazing story. I wanted to know more.Could add flashbacks to the reason why for the chains and reasons for the struggle. I like the use of friendship to save him. Artwork and tale held me to the last words. Could be expanded to a very good book. Always a pleasure to read your outstanding story. Thank you.
Coyote