Thirtieth letter: Around the sun

Mark writes Brandy to thank her for his early birthday gift, but he goes a bit further than that

Dear Brandy,

I hope this letter finds you at well, although my letters are being delivered few days late, and I know we talk a couple of times before you get them, yet it still feels right to send you these letters, they keep me alive, at least on papers.

IThank you for your phone call and the early birthday gift, they have made my dull day at the office less miserable,  it was the nicest thing someone has ever done to me, and they meant a lot to me, especially that all I got was few greeting cards, few phone calls, a chocolate bar, and a new shirt, a birthday at the office, it was a rough evening I tell you, more over a rough day, the second the clock hands hit 12:00am I felt depression drowning me, I forgot why, but it was after our phone call, and all I thought of was "if I don't get home tonight" the night before was really harsh, work wasn't easy at all, and my co-workers made it worse.

Among the few things I got I had a small party back home, my brother and two sisters brought me cake, I wasn't expecting any, although I was hoping for it, especially that I'm always arranging parties for my friends, but surprisingly the only one who was able to surprise me was Leo, by dropping by my office, along with Sharon and bringing me a chocolate bar, he dropped by for business, I know that very well, and I know it was Sharon's idea to make such a nice gesture, a five second celebration followed by a 10-minutes-business-meeting, nothing is wrong with that, but... it wasn't what I expected.

Amy and Helen sent some cards, it was nice of them to do so, I thought they've forgot, but they didn't, they are good friends, I'm glad I had them as friends, I thought I loved them more than that, but I think it was an attempt to escape, not that I love them less right now, but... things are better the way they are.

I spent my day without any cigarettes, it wasn't easy, but I managed, and I'm writing you now without smoking, I'm not trying to quit, no, I'm only cleansing my body, at least during the day.

A weird thought has hit me many times; what if I was never born, how would lives of others be; would Leo follow his dream of making his own company, or would he do it without a partner, or support, would Sharon meet Leo and find her solid ground, would Amy unleash herself and become the writer she is today and would Helen control her anger and become the happy person she is now... would any of that happen if I was never been born at all... I truly don't know, and I don't care either... what's done is done.

Brandy my dearest, you once asked me for a proof, I gave you many, but none was enough for you, I can give you more, I want to give you more, but would it change a thing? If it would I will go to the seventh gate of hell and back for you, but you yourself said it won't, still I didn't give up, I never did, it's I'm still revolving around the sun but I can't get any closer, I'm being put in an orb which you made, and it's a first for me, I don't know what to do... what would you do if you were in my place? This is the only path I couldn't pave, still I try... 

My faith is fading, although my feelings are getting stronger by the second, and I am afraid, terrified and lost between my mind and my heart, I feel like I'm being led to something that I already know, and that scares me, if it was unknown I won't be afraid, but according to what I see, I fear the end, so I'm asking you; what would you do if you were in my place? Be reasonable, for I have denounced reason, even when you made it clear before my eyes.

Should I change myself? And if I did what would that make me? I'd be a creation of another person. Should I lie? Base everything upon a lie? Or speak the whole truth? The truth would hurt more people than me, I have nothing to hide, nothing to fear for, nothing to lose, except for people I choose to keep.

It's is a quiet cool night in July, and the clock is striking 4:43am, an ominous number as I've been told, I'm staring into my golden watch and thinking of how endless this minutes feels, full of regret for what I said, it might be the truth, but I chose not to believe it, I refuse to believe that two and two is four, and old man once told me that “In philosophy, or religion, or ethics, or politics, two and two might make five, but when one was designing a gun or an aeroplane they had to make four."

I apologize Bradny, it wasn't my intention to hurt your feelings, I chose five because four will hurt you.

I pray for you tonight, stronger than ever, I pray for you in the name of everything holy, and I pray for strength so that I could make you happier, especially in your distress.

Until we talk again Brandy, be sane be happy and be well.

Yours truly,

 Mark