Twenty-ninth letter: unshouldering burden

Mark decides to take off some of the burden off his shoulders, which is replaced by another with the absence of his father

Dear Brandy,

Although I saw you last night, although we've been talking a lot, although I know you're fine, but I still hope my letters find you at well, with all my heart I hope your burden would unshoulder you, and I know your path is becoming more clear a day by another, yet I wish you would find your golden shore, be as happy as you were a while ago, and find the peace of mind, at least on my behalf.

I have to admit that I admire your strength, even though I've been counting the nights you cried, and I find them many, but still you manage to laugh, that itself gives me hope, adds more to the hope you said that I give you and gives a reason to live.

You already know what I have come to, many troubles with family, many troubles at work and many farewells, I'd say it makes life a drag, but mine is one already, for the time being for sure, but I know it will get better, sooner or later it will, even though the absence of my father made things harder than they ever were, since I got back home I'm having more duties and responsibilities, I'm not complaining, but no one understands what is it like, no one believes it when I tell them I have no time.

Until the night before the last I was drained out of life, drained out of energy and out of hope, all that didn't matter, because I was fed up, and I know myself well; I make moves when I get fed up, and so I did, I've decided to quit my job, it's only a matter of a month and I'll be free of this corporate slavery, at least to some extent, I'd still be working with Leo, although it's not easy, such a work is very demanding, not only effort wise, but there is some social responsibility for me to handle, it doesn't scare me and for sure I don't think it would tire me, but I know that I'm only hours away from a month in hell; divided working hours, few extra work days, family, and lack of friends, I know what I'm facing, and I know it will be hard, I've lost so much weight thinking of that, my back is now hunched more than ever as you saw, my heart is weary, my face is pale and my smile is simply gone, but all of that was nothing comparing to that time when I heard you cry over the phone... especially after the limited options you told me about, especially after one of them in particular, I have to admit that I thought of it over and over, it kept me sleepless for many nights, still I couldn't give you a response, and I don't think I should, not until your path is clear.

With all that you have been through, you were stunning last night, you were still glamorous as always, radiating with life, although I saw sadness in your eyes, but the world was pale next to you, the world is so pale next to you... And you were right; black hair makes you look sharp, but your coxcomb-red hair makes you look more alive.

Few days ago I've been talking to Amy; Helen and herself have left the country, I haven't seen them in a long time, I only got half an hour to see them at their farewell gathering, I felt like a stranger there, all my friends were there, everyone, Leo, Sharon, Mike and few others that you don't know, but I couldn't join their enthusiastic cloud, I went there straight from work and got back to work after that, we would've had many great times, but I had to take my own path and test my limits, which I've recently reached.

Mike is still the same Mike I've always told you about, he doesn't care and for sure doesn't feel obligated to even tighten our friendship, I don't see Leo at all lately, everything is being done by the phone, and we only talk about business, there's nothing else to talk about lately, at least from my side, you have seen how quite I've became lately, I saw Sharon few weeks ago as you know, saw her again at the farewell gathering, she's more mature now, but still fun to accompany, I've been seeing my friends from the university, they drop by every now and then, good thing I still have them, especially that they drop by after I finish work at midnight, it makes things easier.

A flashback just came into my mind of one of my oldest friends, his name is Noel, we are friends for more than 10 years, we were very close that people thought we're cousins or brothers, that friendship faded away the second he attempted to kill himself, I thought he was too weak to be my friend, or at least that's what I told him, but to be honest the thought of him being dead scared me, I've always wanted to die whenever life got a bit hard on me, and I thought to myself back then; what if I actually did it, what good would it do, what would happen to others and what if there is hope for me... Back then it was the right thing to do, I saw Noel a month ago, his life isn't perfect, but for sure it's better than before.

Many times you made me think; why don't I take a long break from everything, leave this night shift work, stop working with Leo and just enjoy my life, I'd lie if I said that I don't want to, but I can't, not after what I've been through, not after the many friends that I've lost and not after I regained hope, although it looks so easy, well somehow it is, since I'm quitting one of my two jobs, and leaving the other isn't hard either, there's no shame nor dishonor in that, but then what? 

I don't want to make this letter longer, so I'll leave tomorrow for tomorrow, it has already passed 3:33AM and like that other night I had the same good feeling after I prayed for you, I felt like you were still next to me, Brandy my dearest, out there there are many who pray for you, including myself, I have taught many people that prayer; "May tomorrow bring us the best of yesterday, may our smiles infect others and may god bring us more joy in our lives more hope, more cigarettes, more coffee and in the night more blessing and more of Mark's beloved brandy."

Until I see you again; be safe, be sane and be well...

Yours truly,

 Mark.

Author's Note

Reviews are welcomed.