Twenty-seventh letter: solitude

A Chapter by M.Kilani

Mark achieves his dreams, he pays the toll for that; solitude, it eats him inside out, while Brandy keeps him company from a distance

Dear Brandy,

I hope this letter finds you at well, I'm sitting to my desk with an empty page among piles of papers to work on, and the first thought that comes into my mind is why I'm writing you instead of calling you, better yet sitting with you, especially that we've been planing to gather again for months, with something wrong coming up to mess up our plans... but then I tell myself not to, I know many of my letters brings sadness and I prefer moments of joy in real life, I prefer keeping sadness on papers, although I'm not really sad, I only feel like writing another letter.

As you know I had brighter days, at least two years ago, when I was broke, careless and had no dream to accomplish, back then it was all about living the day, a day by day, and falling asleep with no worries at all, back then I used to stay awake all night because I was too happy to sleep, I remember staying all night talking to you about endless topics, some silly, others serious and a lot of times about your career, those were priceless days, not that this year didn't have any good days, even though we both had long hours on the phone in addition to my letters, and your letter as well.

Exactly a year ago my life started to change, a year ago we used to stay up all night, while I tell you about the people I met, how crazy they are and how you would love meeting them, I was happy back then, and you were happy for me, although I spent more time with them which made our calls shorter, when I look back at this year all I could think of is no regret... I don't regret a single moment, but I wish for one thing, if only you were there sharing those happy moments.

Exactly a year ago I met Amy, I was happy before I met her, I had my heart sealed back then, she came across my path just when I finally had my heart mended, and I was happy that I met her, I thought she'd be the one, I thought she would be the first to love me, but she didn't, not until it was too late, she might have been the only person how truly loved me, even for a while, I don't think she still does, especially I haven't seen her or talked to her in a while, I'm no longer a part of her writing, I knew this would happen, I somehow refused it, I don't regret it, for the first time I believe in destiny and how things are meant to be, while others aren't.

I'd lie if I said I don't miss Amy or Helen, but for some reason they drifted away, it's only a matter of months until they leave, and I still don't have much time for them, Amy still talks to me every now and then, but Helen, after all I've done to her, has pushed me away, I don't know why, I don't want to know why, but all I can say is... what a shame.

Amy thinks I found a new woman, if I did you'd be the first to know, but here I am, all alone again, even away from my friends, I don't see Leo, Sharon and Mark much often, Sharon used to call me to wake me up for work, to pick up work so that Leo would sleep, I don't see or talk to Leo either, even about work, I went for a drink with Mark few days ago, he also thinks he's being left out, and to be honest it's not a happy company when we both talk about what others have done.

I decided not to sleep tonight, I'm wide awake, and I don't know why, I just don't feel like sleeping, I'm reading a book by a fellow writer about being Bipolar and having MDD, I've never heard of MDD, Medical Depression Disorder, as I read more into his book I start to think that I also have it, but I laugh from time to time, then I tell myself it's my misfortune, my lack of time and solitude.

The business is getting better with Leo, I'm handling a newspaper all by myself, it takes a lot of hard work, but I'm proud of it, still for some reason I would like to run away, I really want to walk away from everyone and everything and start a new life, especially after our last conversation, you made it clear to me that no one can escape his fate, and that distance can heal a broken heart, I don't think my heart is broken, but I'm not happy, and only you know why, it's true that you help me through tough days, it's true that you cheer me up when I'm down, and I'm glad that I still can make you feel better with a phone call and that you can still do the same, but this isn't right, it's becoming addictive, more than alcohol and cigarettes, and one day this will change, not that I want it to change but it's bound to change, although I feel attached already, even attached to writing you more letters, and even if we promised each others to remain this close we can't stop that change, I've been close to everyone, and I can't stop them from walking away.

It's been days and I've been thinking of one thing among many things I've told you, you said that every living being on this earth will die alone, I accept that and understand it completely, but I'm already alone, and I believe it's unfair to live alone and die alone, I don't see much people lately, no new people either, and the thought scares me... living alone, it scares me more than dying alone, because it's a matter of choice, and it makes me question our dreams, are they worth that sacrifice, me working for 14 hours a day, you working for 8 hours studying until you sleep, but them again I think it is worth it, only for a while, I have accomplished many of my dreams, making the dream true isn't the hard part, the hard part is the aftermath, looking at all what you've gave away to accomplish one thing, wondering wither it's worth it or not, but one thing can clear that thought away, pride, and as you know I'm just like you, full of pride, and can't miss a chance to feel prouder.

I keep thinking that neither of us deserves to be alone all the time, I know you see some of your friends every now and then, and to be honest I envy you for that, maybe I'm being over dramatic, and I can't stop thinking of how we waste this time living alone instead of living together, and I mean everyone, but I still have hope, which is similar to infidel's prayers, I will not live alone forever, neither will you, not because of hope, but because I know that everything bound to change, nothing stays the same.

Brandy my dear, we are supposed to meet in few days, I really look forward to see you again, I'm not sure what are we going to talk about, but I'm sure it will be a good topic as usual, Brandy, your name still reminds me of the old days when I used to be a young spirit, sophisticated young man who know something about somethings, never spares a moment of joy, a free soul that wants to change the world, who's now trapped in his own dreams, his own reality, in this concrete paradise, between lines of the litters sent to Brandy.

I've been having many dreams lately, I don't usually dream as you know, I don't sleep much either but lately I've been having dreams and nightmares, and tonight I fear to sleep, but tonight I will pray like always, I'll pray harder than before, not only at 3:33am I will start praying the moment I seal this envelop, I will pray for this solitude to end, both yours and mine, I will pray for dreams to come true and nightmares to end, I will pray for success and I will pray for my heart to mend, tonight I'll drink brandy, I will smoke fine cigar, I will watch the dawn like I used to do and I will wait for a chance to make a change, until I see you my dear, be safe, be sane and be well.

Your truly,

Mark.

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