Twenty-sixth letter: Disbelief

Life brings Mark to where the story began, despair and regret bring him to his knees, a fight he had with Brandy was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Dear Brandy,

 

I hope this letter finds you at well, I’m writing you this letter with deep sadness, yearning and regret, I never thought I’d write you again, especially after your visit to town and our long phone calls, but after your visit many has changed, you already know some of them, but since our last conversation more has changed, or at least now I can feel that.

 

I still owe you an apology, maybe more than one, but you know how bad I am with that, and you know how I try to fix things instead, but sometimes I end up making them worse, hoping time would fix it for me, I guess that sometimes a man gets carried away when he feels like he should be having his fun, gets blind to see the damage he’s done, but I don’t want to make things worse with my letter, I don’t want to dig what happened, I don’t want to talk about it, although it still hurts, among all the letters I’ve sent you this one hurts me the most, it’s like everyone and everything is taking a turn hitting me, it feels like what I’ve done is coming back at me, every wrong action others made is effecting me now.

 

As I already told you before everyone was founded by your presence the other night, they finally figured why I’m attached to Brandy, some thought we were lovers, others thought that we should be, and since then everything has changed, and I’ve just realized that, on that Mike was the first to ask he thought something should go on, Helen and Amy changed, they were backing away, Sharon was friendly like old days, and Leo was observing, few days  later Leo knew, his reaction was good, but there was a sense of fear, he saw how it damaged me before, I think he was afraid of that.

Life is still hard, harder than before now, last week I had someone to call every night how’d make this life look perfect, even though it isn’t, but few words were good enough to ease the weary heart, but now I’m all alone again, working harder than before, working as long as I’m awake, without any breaks not even on weekends, except for today, I had the first break in three weeks, and I went out with my friends, I haven’t seen them in two weeks, still, their greetings were cold, since they met you their greetings became cold, except for Sharon, I believe she’s the only one who hasn't changed, she’s the same person I know since the day I met her, which is good, but this awkwardness with others bothered me somehow, none of them has been calling, some of them didn't return my calls.

 

Last Saturday I had few free hours after work, earlier that day Leo and I had a long serious talk about work, we cleared things out, and were doing fine, but on that day we were supposed to hang out like all days,  but we didn't, I tried calling others, some said they were busy, others didn't want to go out, I was mad that day, and I needed a friend, I even called Mike and offered him a drink, I needed a drink, I wanted to call you but you were upset, so I took the road, I drove more than half way to your town, took a turn when I remembered our last talk, and how upset you were, I ended up alone outside the coffee place with back to the door, the place was crowded and full of strangers, I felt that I was the stranger.

 

I’m tired Brandy, tired and sad, it feels like all the sadness I've been avoiding is hitting me right now, I haven’t felt this sad since a friend of mine died five years ago, and I’m so tired that I can’t smoke, for the first time I find it hard to smoke, maybe because I’m smoking a lot lately, and I might be running out of breath, maybe I need a break, maybe I need a drink.

 

I miss whiskey so bad, the other day I was drinking tea and Mike said that I’m drinking it like I’m drinking whiskey or wine, he was right, I drink everything as if I’m drinking whiskey or wine, I was saving you a bottle of each, still saving them, but I don’t know how long I can fight this temptation to drink.

 

It’s 3:00am right now, I’m looking at your photograph wondering if you’re still awake, writing this letter with shaking hand, holding my lighter with the other and a cigarette between my dry lips, having a flashback of the first letter I wrote you two years ago,  despair was my motive then, look how I ended up now, in despair again, with the same old guitar, and coffee instead of a drink, today I took that guitar off the café’s wall, I played till a string broke, and out of anger I ripped off all its strings.

 

Brandy, this is the first letter I write you and still feel down, I actually feel worse after writing it, it has passed 3:33am, I've just lit the cigarette I was saving, I wanted to make it the last cigarette before I sleep, but I’m still awake and I know I’ll smoke another one, although I’m suffocating, I know smokes can’t ease the weary heart and prayer did not help either, for once I had no belief, I've lost belief, belief in prayers, life, mankind and myself, still I prayed so hard, and while I was praying I remembered the faces of all I thought to pray, and I realized that if all these prays were not answered, if they still pry for you, if they still pray for me and if they still pray that you forgive me then why should I believe anymore.

 

Here I am now two cups of coffee which were enough to make sober along with endless smokes, but not enough for me to awaken, for I was never asleep... more cigarettes, more flames, more sleeplessness and disbelief.

I don't know when would I write you again, and I'm not sure you’ll read this letters, I'm not sure if you'll ever talk to me again, but I'll always write you… like the very first letter I've sent you I end this one... be sane and be well.
Yours truthfully,
 Mark.

Author's Note

Reviews are welcomed.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I love your writing. You write with a veteran pen. Always a pleasure to read your word. A excellent letter. I like the series of letters. To me letters are more personal and we can keep forever. Thank you for the excellent letter.
Coyote