Twenty-fourth letter: Save some time for dream

Mark is being hunted by dreams, Deja vus and nightmares, his only chance to sleep at night was spent in restlessness, and for first time he digs into the past.

Dear Brandy,

 

I hope this letter finds you at well, this is the second letter I write you today, but you will not receive the first, for some reason it was mixed with the office papers and I couldn’t find it, it’s probably discarded by now, I think that’s better, and I believe that happened for a reason, it feels weird writing you a letter during the day, I’ve switched my night shift for once, although I’m not a morning person but I feel good somehow, although I’ve spent a restless night after I left office 8 hours ago, I started my day by vomiting, it wasn’t easy with empty stomach, I don’t feel like eating lately, it’s not easy for me to eat when my mind is busy, since I decided to stop drinking I can’t help but to think and over think, last night was full of dreams, nightmares and deja vus, some were a relief , others aroused my worries, because the deja vus I had were about dreams I had before, it’s hard to explain but it’s like foreseeing the future, and I can tell it’s a good one, a happy one, but the present is just sad.

 

Writing you letters is still my only resort, although I’ve lost an unfinished letter but I still feel like writing you more, I felt a slight comfort but it wasn’t enough, even though I talked to Amy the other day, she helped me much, but it wasn’t enough as well, half solutions never worked for me, it’s not that Amy didn’t help, but in her chaotic presence I still have millions of questions that Amy can answer, but I dare not to ask her, she has all the right answers to all wrong questions, I can ask Helen as well, but we’re not talking much lately, she's still avoiding me, but still, there’s only one question that would give me all the answers; what happened to us? I dare not to ask it because if I got the answers I would ask more question, and they would all start with “what if” that’s a place I don’t go to, the crazy world of what if, it changes nothing and I despise the word “if” both in future and past, I replace it with when.

 

I try to be realistic, I try not to interpret my dreams and visions, I always keep them for myself, and often forget them, except for one, I had it months ago, just when things between Helen and I started having feelings for each other, I can’t call it a spiritual awakening, but it was a euphoria, and parts of it are coming true, I’ve dreamt of Helen and Amy in their country, and I was visiting them, I felt disoriented at start, ten they introduced me to their friends, we had a party of some kind, everyone was under the effect of intoxication except for me, I told Helen I’ve been clean for a long time and I can’t get back to drugs and drinks now, she handed me a bottle of beer and everyone dared me to chug it, and so I did, everything started to feel good, I was offered pills and many drugs and I said no at that dream, until we went outdoors and stood on a hell under a tree, the sight was breathtaking, Helen handed me a handful of pills, told me to trust her and take them at once, and I did, she told me to wait for it, I didn’t know what she meant until a breeze passed us by; it felt like being touched by an angel, with both Helen and Amy standing next to me, “anywhere the wind blows” Helen and I whispered at that moment, it was sunset, I can never forget that image, and then we had a camp fire in that dream, their friends and I made a circle we laughed for hours, until it started to rain, we were under effect of drugs and we started to sing “purple rain… purple rain” we danced until sunrise, then I woke up to a phone call from Helen, I told her about that dream, she felt happy about it that day, that dream revisited me last night, I want to be there that is for sure, but I’m not sure Helen still remembers that.

 

I know I favor Helen over Amy, not that I hate Amy or don’t love her, but there is something different about Helen, Although they are identical but I can tell the difference between them, I can read through them, I may not know much about their past or how they are when I’m not around, but I can see their hearts, and they are different, but so much alike, I know they are not perfect, I know I’m not perfect too, but I can only see the goodness in them, I only see the goodness in all those I keep close, or at least try, but I don’t think they’ll treat me the same.

 

I went out with the rest of my friends, Leo, Mike and Sharon just like the old days, Sharon called me after I saw Amy and asked me to join her and her friend, Tina, who happens to be Mike’s companion, the four of them were together and I felt like a stranger among them, but it’s fine, I will get used to that, Sharon told me she read my letter, which explains why she called me in the first place, I can’t believe they still sneak to the mailbox and read my letters, I know Mike and Leo don’t but everyone else does, after all it’s the only way I communicate with them clearly, without interruption, but it’s not the same, it’s nothing like having an actual presence, I feel like I’m not even in the same country they’re in, although there’s not much of a distance but I feel they are far, perhaps I am, although there’s a further distance between you and I.

 

Brandy my dear, I don’t want explanations, I don’t want excuses for what others do, I don’t want attention, care nor love, I’ve never needed anything, I never had an actual need, all I have is desires, and now my only desire is to be happy, or at least less miserable, and if that can’t happen I’ll pray, I’ll pray my mind will accept all my losses I’ll pray my heart will bare all this misery and heartache, I’ll pray for everyone else’s happiness, and I’ll pray their happiness will shine on me, and of course Brandy I will pray for you, every night my prayers get longer, that’s not good if you ask me, if I was on the right track I’d be more thankful, I’d be thanking god instead of asking him, but I know that day will come, I might be a dreamer, but my dreams do come true, it still feels weird writing at such a time, it’s almost noon now and time for me to get back to work, all I can tell myself and you Brandy is to save some time, save some time for dream, ‘cause your dream might save us all.

Somehow I'm glad you didn't see me the other day, somehow I'm glad many don't, my hair became so long that grey in it now shows, it even shows in my long beard, my wrest watch is loose, my face became pale, I still wear those army combat boots everyday to remind me that I survived worse situations, ironed shirt and oversized coat to fit my tall arms, black shades to hide my tired eyes and dead skin of my fingertips made by typewriter instead of a guitar, I don’t know when I’ll be writing you, but I always will, because I know things will never be perfect and I know I’ll search for comfort in blank pages, so until my next letter be sane Brandy, be sane and be well.

Yours truly,

 Mark.

Author's Note

Reviews are welcomed

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the letter. Like I told you before. Letters are personal and we express real thoughts and life. I like the feel of real life and thoughts in the letter. Thank you for sharing the excellent letter.
Coyote