Twenty-third letter: Anywhere the wind blows.

Mark feels stuck as his life seems to fall apart, he finds hope when reading the letter from Brandy, sends her back a letter to thank her.

Dear Brandy,

I hope my letter finds you at well, I hope you are doing well, after walking home on Christmas eve I walked into my room almost wasted, I couldn't notice my clean desk at start, but I felt some warmth in the air, your perfume felled that empty place with life for a while, I didn't know it was you at start, not until the next day when I found my clean cup of coffee and a clean ashtray, it was the kindest thing someone has ever done to me for a long time, not even my closest friends have done something alike, I walked towards my desk holding my coffee, sat down and lit a cigarette, I had a slight headache for drinking much the night before, it was a night to remember if you ask me, I haven't felt that alive in ages, but somehow it didn't end the way I wanted, I don't feel bad about that, but going home alone knowing everyone else but me will go to sleep and wake up to find someone to tell them "good morning" brought me down, for few hours I was as alive as I used to be, even though some were not comfortable with that, but for few hours I was happy, and I know it's because of all the drinks I had.

I reached for my last letter, I wanted to finish it with words of happiness before I send it to you, but it seems that it wasn't meant to end happily, just like all other letters I've sent, I saw a clean desk and tidy papers of mine, and your letter, I hope it was the unease in the air that made it sad, I still can sense sadness in handwriting, so I hope it was only the depression that fells the place that caused you that, I can imagine how you got in to my place and how you've asked my neighbor politely for the key, I wasn't at work that night, if I knew you would visit I would have asked you to join us for Christmas eve, I know you had to go back home and spend your time with your family, but it would have been great if I saw you for a while, at least my friends would finally meet Brandy, and then they would know what a great person you are, they have read your letter, and I believe it gave them a slight image of that.

You are right about the intervention, I do need one, and I consider this as one, especially that no one else would do that, at least not my friends nor my family, but this intervention that I need is not for coffee and cigarettes, I need it to quit drinking again, not only because of my health, but also because it made others a bit upset, at least Helen was, and I'm glad she said that, although she made me worry for whole day before telling me, the effect of alcohol is gone now,  and I have been working for 24 straight hours, I can't see that everything is fine, it was perfect until last night, Helen and I had some misunderstanding, I would love to tell you about it, but I can't, I don't want to, and I don't even want to think about it, but I've fixed things somehow with her, although we haven't talked about it, and I'm planing to do that, I can't leave a loose end, and I can't handle the idea of us being slightly mad or upset of each others.

Poor Amy is not doing well, her addiction started to effect her, although she managed to quit for a long while, but she got back, I blame myself somehow for that, if I kept my part of the deal we made that would have gave her the motivation to stay clean, she also left her job after suffering trouble in it, these troubles didn't help her quit and actually forced her to try anything for a kick or just to forget work pressure, I'm not better than her; I rush to my drinks whenever I can't have laughter and good company, Helen is a combination of both, but with the lack of my time I still can't see her much, I try to see her and others as much as possible, but it's still not enough, even Leo, my partner, we hardly talk and even if we got a chance to talk it would be about work, Mike on the other hand has got himself into a relation he does not need, and his drinking problems are worse than mine, but he claims to be happy, I know he's not, but I can't help him this time, funny how he told me that I'm becoming an alcoholic again! Sharon, well Sharon is Sharon, always calm and beautiful, she still gives Leo the support he needs, she's more mature now, a true lady that anyone would envy Leo for.

I haven't thanked you for your letter Brandy, although I feel like my life is falling apart, your letter made me look at my life through a different perspective, like I always used to do, it was the Christmas gift I've never had, to think of it no one has ever made me something good, not even the same people I've been good to, I don't ask nor wait for anyone to do me anything, but your letter means a lot, your visit meant a lot.

Brandy, I have been thinking of death lately; what if I die now, what would this change, what imprint would it make, and even if my death made a change, it won't be a change in my life, it would be the end of it, and this living-dead life I'm having, this time I feel things will not turn good after hitting rock bottom, nothing is going well lately, I tried not to state that, but I couldn't lie, I feel denounced by god, humanity and the devil as well, it's like a conspiracy against me with everyone involved in it, I feel that my prayers will never be answered, and fate is not giving me a break, no one can give me a break, although I ask that from no one, I haven't met anyone new lately, I'm drifting away from the society, I'm always by myself, even if not alone, my mind is always busy I can't communicate most of the time, I can't live wild any more, I can't live as if there's no tomorrow, if living is a sin even that I can't do...

I can't help but to wonder what caused you this sadness I sense in your letter, but something tells me it is your man, I hope I'm wrong, and I hope things are fine between you too, I hope my burden would distract you from your sorrow, although I think it bores you somehow, you have enough to deal with and the last thing you need is another letter from me, and for bearing with me Brandy I will always pray for you, among many others, I will pray, and I will pray for myself same time as always 3:33am, maybe one day I will break free, maybe one day I will go anywhere the wind blows, ironic how I have that engraved on my lighter, I had it made along with Helen and Amy; Anywhere the wind blows...

Tonight after I finished praying a memory of our calls ran into my head, just before you hung up the phone after one of our long talks, you whispered goodnight Oniisama, I would love to write you more in this letter but I have to go to work, I still haven't rested yet, my work is the only thing left for me now, but until life decides to change for the best... be sane Brandy, be strong and be well.

Yours truly, 

 Mark.

Author's Note

Reviews are welcomed.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good letter. I like he thank her for her letter and friendship. A lot was put into the letter. Life and problem came alive in the strong description. Thank you for sharing the excellent letter.
Coyote