Twenty-first letter: Same old fear

Mark is reconstructing his life, making changes for a better future, Helen and Amy might not be a part of it, but he hopes they will.

Dear Brandy, 

I hope you never receive this letter but I hope you are at well, I promised myself not to write you again, since Amy started to write her letters it was easier for me to let my emotions out through her writings, Chronicles of Nyx have spoken many words I couldn't dare to utter, they gave me something to look up to, something worth lingering in time, and a lot of pride, but I have a feeling I will be excluded of her stories for a while, this has already started, I don't feel bad about it, at least I don't have to worry much about Amy,  I now know she can stand up to anything, I know, even with her addiction, she will make it and become someone of a great matter and strength. 

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop myself from writing this letter, I wanted my story to end in a way I've never predicted, I wanted the story to end along with the last letter I've sent, but it hasn't, it keeps going on and on, dragging me to my pen, paper, brown envelop and a rusty mail box, telling a story of secrets and lies, obvious to everyone, but none is mine.

One reason that I stopped writing you was Helen, of all women I knew Helen was the only I didn't write a poem in her name, I've never described her beauty in words, instead I told her how I see her, because I know poetry is my curse, and I did not want to put her name in the list of the forgotten ones, Helen, descendent of gods, named after Helen of Troy, the only woman I dare not write a poem about nor to, although she had second thoughts, although we feared for Amy, although everyone warned me against taking that path, yet Helen and I used to see each others at least once a week for the last few months, in addition to our gatherings, maybe that meant nothing, but it felt good, it kept me going through the tough weeks; almost two hours over a cup of coffee and endless laughter, where most of the times I hold my tongue not to sweet talk her, but many times I failed, even when all eyes were on us, my tongue failed me many times, I even tried to make it sound normal by making complements about other women around, but saved her the best.

Leo has asked me recently to rejoin him, a full partnership after he put his blood in the business we started, after I drifted away and went on my own path he asks me to walk by his side again, an honer and an offer I can't refuse, after all I'm fed up with these 14 hours of work all during the night, and I can't keep giving the best of my efforts for those who do not appreciate it; it's about time to take the leap of faith, time to follow the dream and live it, this time I must prove that I deserve the trust Leo has in me, he risks much to have me by his side, and so do I, but it's worth the risk and effort, Sharon on the other hand seems to be happy, not as before but she seems to be content about her life, it's been almost two years since her and Leo got together, and for those two years I couldn't be but happy for seeing them together, I wish I could be happy as they are.

Mike is still acting weird, but I won't worry much about him, because that's how he is, now that he got over the fact I went from Amy to Helen, he started to show some respect, as if he snapped out of it, although I rarely see him sober lately, but he claims to be happy with his new friend; funny how Mike despised me for that while other thought of it as an act of courage, but all that is in vain.

Brandy you know well that no one can fool me, and even if someone did you know I would make the best outcome of that trick, I'm done being polite, I'm done with doing what's right, it's time for me to do what I want regardless to its labels; right and wrong, I will treat people as they deserve. 

Helen and Amy were supposed to leave in the summer, I told Helen that we should have fun until that time comes, no emotions and no strings attached, we were doing very well until last night, we are still doing well I guess, I hope, no I wish, Helen told me that they will be leaving very soon, leaving for good, I can't deny the fact it hurts me, I can't deny the fact that nothing much happened between us makes it easier, but it's not easy at all, I will miss them; Amy and Helen.

It's ironic how we go after things and people we can't have and when we're close enough we step back, many times I was close but I stopped myself for many reasons; moths ago Amy made it clear that she still has feelings for me, it was a chance for me to fix things, but I was already hooked on Helen, although I couldn't have her in respect for Amy, moreover I couldn't have her because she stopped me once, every time I got closer that thought emerged and made me withdraw my hands and move a step back, in addition to the idea of the departure and her secret; there's a secret behind Helen, I know everyone's secret but hers, I made assumptions based on warnings and her actions, but for some reason I can't believe them, I'm not sure whither it's my desire or intuition that makes her look divine in my eyes, but what difference would it make, she's leaving for good soon, even though Amy finally stood up her feet, she needs me no more therefore she released me, gave me permission to be with Helen, but it's too late now, and Helen's sadness about the soon to be departure makes it hard to look at the bright side.

I have just called Helen,  she told me they may not be moving soon, she said they might leave for a month then get back, but she's still not sure, I told her I'm writing you a letter, I know she doesn't care much about that, and I know she'll read this letter along with others, she says she has no secrets, maybe this is her secret, maybe this is what scares me, after all we are the same when it comes to this, and I know it scares people being clear and honest, it scared many of the people I know, but I never thought it would scare me, it's funny that I'm not only afraid of this secret matter, but this also keeps me interested, it makes Helen mysterious and interesting, maybe we are alike, after all we share the same fear.

It's Ironic how my fingers rolled the disk just before sealing this envelop with my nicotine stains fingers, somehow it sounds like destiny or some supernatural powers made me leave it unsealed, I don't even have a post stamp to send this letter so it would remain on my desk until tomorrow morning, I still hope you don't read this letter Brandy, I still hope no one does, I told Helen that I will burn this letter and write a new one, but I couldn't, just like this letter I can't change the past, I can't rewrite it but I can continue writing in different words, words of hope this time, although I'm not a man of superstition, but some how I have a feeling this are going to turn out well,  some things are already going well, but they are going to be better, deep inside I know that,  and for that I would pray, same time every night, knowing that prayers does not change god, it only changes him who prays, and I will change and change things a long, to the best. Until then be sane Brandy, be sane and be well.

Yours truly, 

 Mark.

Author's Note

Reviews are welcomed

Reviews

[B. Maaitah]

Marc Dearest,

Hope you are as alive as I've always known you... your letter never made it to the post mail, but I traveled north, to the address where the past letters have been coming from, in the hope of, finding something that I lost, or in hope of finding the the parts of me that were only reflected by you... you were out for work, and your neighbor was kind enough to let me in using his spare key which you gave to him for cases of emergency, although you already live on nothing but caffeine and nicotine, what emergency could need intervention more than that! you have been caught up in everyone else's mess, and neglecting yourself, or maybe you feel accustomed to living unhealthy that now it's only natural... well, after I got in, I instantly knew where your writing desk is, right there covered with empty beer bottles and overflowing ashtrays.. and I found the letter... and despite you stating you wish me not to read it, I knew that you wanted me to, so I did... you've always been quite the narrator... your letters, always felt like eternal stories to me, stories most of which I have lived, and relived through your words... I never heard you speak of a woman like you did with Helen, sometimes, life is simple, but most often it's rather complicated... most of the time, it's not either a yes or a no, but a swinging in between, and that's pretty much how it's been with you and Helen and Amy, the three of you have been living in shade of grey... and that can be blinding sometimes... but I'm glad to know that in between this grey shadow, you all managed to make your own rainbow of memories... that the three of you will carry, no matter how much distance or time would separate you... I've grown to like Helen and Amy, as I view them from the window you have painted me on the wall of these letters... your friendship and connection to them, has become an extension of your soul and your being...
and i'm confident, you have imprinted their lives, in a way that only you can... as the man you are, is memorable in every way... so fear not, relationships and friendships may come to an end, but memories of joy, excitement, passion, desire, and love fire, are immortal and imperishable...

what is life, if not intense, and what are events if not to leave a great impact, on our constitution of a being... so yes, my dear... you have all the right to claim optimism and to express it... you have the right of seeking happiness and dreaming of it...

As for Leo, your road companion, and old friend... he's one friend to be proud of having, and seeing that you two still find your way to each other no matter how further one of you may drift, is a standing proof, of the strength of human interpersonal relationships... how it can, if we wish it to be, withstand time and space... transcend beyond fate and place...

I got a sweet sensation of writing to you from your own desk, with that old pen that I once gave to you... and having the scent of your leathery perfume enriching the air around me, giving me a lungful of a masculine feel... I won't be mailing you the letter... I'll leave it here, between your work papers and poems...

I'm afraid I'll have to leave now... or I'll miss the train back home... I sadly, could not see you or greet you, but I feel like I have, as I got a glimpse of the life you have here... and until the day comes where we will meet again, like old times, Stay True, Stay You..

Yours
~B

[Coyote Poetry]

A very nice letter. I like the personal feel of the thoughts. Giving history of what is going on with people near. Thank you for sharing the excellent letter.
Coyote