Twentyth letter: tearing down the walls

Mark digs into his past, thinks of his future and live his today.

Dear Brandy,

I hope this letter finds you at well, this is the last letter I'm writing you, I knew that this letter is to be written soon, it's not a coincidence that Amy started writing her Chronicles of Nyx, I always knew that everyone was reading my letters, I knew that they used to walk to the mail box and read the letters before you receive them, I wanted them to know, it saves more time and effort, it saves unexplained actions and emotions, so this letter should start like this: 

Dear Brandy, Leo, Sharon, Helen, Amy, Mike and Robin,

I hope you all receive my letter at well, I really do, it was and still is a great honer knowing you all, you have been and will always be the closest to my heart, but this is the last letter for you to sneak upon, yesterday I have reached rock bottom again, and I couldn't get up without thinking of you, and without help from some of you, although others didn't care much, or at least acted like they didn't.

Today Amy stood up to her feet, she have shown bravery at its peak, she finally confided her fears, she took me to a journey to the long forgotten past, the one I've been hiding from myself, and now it's time for me to tear down the wall, time for you to know me for real, since I've seen the deepest of your souls the darkest of your sorrows and the ultimate of your fears.

I'm writing this letter under the rain, I have always loved rain, nothing can ease my worried mind like a cigarette under the rain, perhaps that's because rain keeps people indoors, it kept those b******s in, except for me, ever since I was a child I would always run out at the first of rain, I would play for hours alone, and enjoy it because I was alone, I have always been a loner, I was different as a child, no one have ever understood me, I always looked at life from a different point of view, and that wasn't of ease, every one would pick on me, call me names and in few times fight me, I had no friends as a kid, and the only child hood friend I had is now miles away, and even him I have somehow lost.

I was always older than my age, pain made me older, I have seen in my childhood what no grown man can take, I have seen vice and sin, I have seen the worst of men, and through those years I kept fighting for my own, on my own, I have never left home without a weapon, and never went home without blood on my clothes, all that just because I was different, because I refused their sins, I was a pure soul roaming the city of sin, all by myself, no brother no friend and no father to stand by my side, my friends used to walk away just to stay out of trouble, so I've let them go, even when I saw them under the threat of a gun or a switch blade I used to walk away, because they did, and damn I have seen horrible things, and my brother was young, he is always young in my eyes, I had to protect him as well, and my father was too busy providing us the bite of the day, I had to teach myself how to survive on my own, even a pure harmless soul needs weapons and strong arms.

I was always of a good soul until that day, I never thought a man could steep that low, I have seen men marks of teeth at the back of my head, I have many wounds of many stories where I left with blooded hands and pride, but I never told anyone, I have always fought back, I was never afraid of what is to come, because I knew I could always sense their corrupted twisted desire and stop them even before they think of it, until one day a man of religion, claimed to be a friend, have approached me, I wasn't afraid, I didn't run, I dropped my guard for a second, because I trusted him I trusted his religion, until I saw it in his eyes, it was 3:33, I remember that because as he reach for me I hit him in the face with my watch around my knuckles, that watch didn't work since then, and since then I have turned evil.

Yes I'm evil inside, or at least used to be, I was addict as well, addicted to drugs, women, and drinks, I used to enjoy all vice and sin, somehow I used to defy god, I hated religion, I hated goodness in men, until there was time I was called after a villain called two-face, I used to be calm and peaceful, so calm it would scare people away, sometimes nice until I feel threatened, then I would unleash a beast of hell on who ever stands in my face, and I know how to cause pain on many levels, physical and emotional, and I made many men bleed and cry, I used to love the smell of blood and the taste of tears, it has always made me feel I'm in control, ever since I would never spear a living soul of pain, just so that everyone would fear me, experience the amount of pain I had, it felt good knowing that I wasn't the only one in pain, I was dark, ominous and soulless, always on guard ready for another whiplash from the person next to me, I never let anyone close enough to call a friend, until I met Robin, at first I used to enjoy her pain, even if I didn't cause it, until one day it really made me sad, I was never sad before, I used to empty my stomach every time I see her cry, she has touched the human in me, she has reached for the beast, released the man inside, ever since I have changed to a better man, I've forgot all my past and all my sins, I have gained peace, or at least that's what I thought, Robin wasn't as innocence as she looked, even though I helped her she had her eyes on another man, and I was clueless, I was a fool, still I helped her because I owe her for finding the human inside, ever since I couldn't trust a woman, nor a friend, I had many friends at that time, but they were around for their own reasons, some for my strength, some for my fame and success, many for my money, many for laughter and others for wisdom and advice, I knew all their reasons to stay, therefore I didn't take any of them for granted, I was back stabbed by many, but I didn't care because I never needed anyone, until I met Leo, my soul brother, he was just like me, we share a lot in common more than love for coffee and cigarettes, more than a vision or a dream, both of us had troubled past, both of us went to the city of sin and back, both of us were strong.

Mike was a soul that needed to be saved, he used to roam around Leo, I knew Leo is of a good heart because he was saving Mike the way I was saving Robin, some how I regained faith in men, found me a real friend, Mike, and a brother, Leo, we were three fools roaming earth looking for kicks, we all were heart-broken we couldn't trust women, until Sharon showed up, she was the best thing to happen for the three of us, although Mike knew Sharon later, but she was the missing light we needed to shine, until she got with Leo, he kept most of that light to himself, we didn't envy him, we didn't feel bad for that, we were glad she became his, he needed such a good woman, but Mike and I needed our own as well, so I went from a woman to another, with no strings attached to any, I forgot the names of many, because I was drunk most of the time then, until I met you Brandy, for some reason you kept me balanced, kept me away from sin, maybe because I wanted to find peace, and for quit long time I did, you have stopped me from avenging every woman I could hurt, it was the easiest thing to hurt a woman, especially after Robin, but you saved me from that, speared a lot of souls my hatred and speared my guilt.

Then came Amy, I was attracted to her pain, I have always been attracted to pain in a way, I felt that I could save her in order to repay the people who have saved me, in order to repent, but she didn't want to be saved at the beginning, so I let her go, perhaps she'd find her own redemption, and now she did, I couldn't be more proud of her, she proved me that everyone can be strong if they were pushed in the right way.

Last night I was in anger, never felt so much pain and pressure in my life, I called Mike and he didn't answer, he was out with Helen, Amy and Leo, I hate to be ignored, I was just calling to check on him, and the fact everyone was out having fun while I was stuck in this bloody poor lit office killed me, and for some reason Helen stopped to care after I told her of my jealousy, maybe she was testing me, but for some reason it hurt, I've never felt that way, I was furious until she called late at night, everyone felt my anger, except for her, even Amy asked me what's wrong, which was Ironic, exchanging roles, but I couldn't tell her, I didn't tell anyone, but I felt that Helen is having second thoughts, I would understand if she did, but I'd appreciate it if she tells me, after all it's not easy for both of us, we have a lot to go through if we want things to work, I don't think I can take another heartbreak, so if she did it's better now than it becomes too late, and so she did, Helen and I are again friends, which was weird that she told me right after I finished writing this letter, and just before putting it in an envelop.

It stopped raining now, rain was soaking my cigarette, nothing feels better than a cigarette under the rain, I've been popping pills like candy to ease my stress but nothing worked like rain, it washed it all away.

Dear beloved, some of you might think that after this last letter I would run away or change, perhaps be ashamed, but I have nothing to be ashamed of, through this journey I have walked, stopped, reached for the stars and fell to my knees, sometimes with other many more alone, yet I stood up, this journey will go on, I will not change, not for the worse, but I will only stop saving lives, I'm done waiting for someone to save me, and it's the last letter because it's time to move on time to start a new chapter for all of us, time to tear down the walls, I know exposing worries, memories and fears might change the way you look at me, but I would remain the same, perhaps feel a bit better around you, I always feel better around you, the only fear I have now is losing you, from now on my prayer will not only be for Brandy, it will include Leo, Sharon, Helen, Amy and Mike, and it will include a curse upon those who have hurt each and everyone of you, so my friends, be safe, be sane and be well.

Yours truly, 

 Mark.

Author's Note

Reviews are welcomed

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A beautiful letter. I loved your series of letters. The letter is personal and we can express real emotion with the ease of the pen to the paper. Thank you for sharing the outstanding letters.
Coyote